RAPE

Houzer--

I've had some Rape Crisis training and while I'm not an expert, I'm not completely floundering, either.

Obviously talking/confessing to you that she was raped has stirred up some very ugly feelings and memories for your girlfriend.

Unfortunately for you, she doesn't feel innocently loving and trusting right now. A piece of the past that she tried to bury has emerged from the grave, rotting and festering.

What can you do? Listen. Explain that you are out of your depth, but that in your mind rape does not take away virginity (providing that you really believe this).



Once liberated, skeletons don't fit back into closets--and you shouldn't try to shove them there. You also shouldn't try to assume the burden for counseling all by yourself. Your friend needs to talk to women who understand date rape.

http://www.rainn.org/counseling-centers/

These are not people who counsel crazies. Rape Crisis counsels people (men can be raped too) who are coping with life while carrying some very confusing, crippling memories.

Encourage her to call.

Make it very clear to her (providing that this is true) that you don't see her as damaged or defiled. You'd love to be the Knight on the White Horse and slaughter the guy who gave her pain, but this isn't the sort of world where you can tell the cops, "This creep was really a dragon, y'see."

She's going to have to sort out what happened to her at 15 before she can move forward. You aren't a monster for wanting your kissing and cuddling back, but I think you're a grown-up with enough integrity to help her trust half the human race again.

Good luck to you both. Hold your dominion.

thank you so much, ill def give her that site. I jsut dont wanna keep bringing it up, so do u have any suggestions on how to tell her to call?

Houzer--

Tell her that you've been worried about her; that you really, really, like her (or love her) and that you've felt completely helpless about giving her anything but support in working through her problem.

Tell her that you've done some research and that these peole are are some of the best in the world about helping rape victims (repeat victims work through what happens when a girl/woman's control is taken away.

This link may help you find words:

http://66.216.123.69/RTC/Impact%2Bof%2BRape/Common%2BReactions/

Good luck.

houzer911- I want to apologize to you too. I think that I had gotten the wrong impression from your first few posts. I perceived it that you were upset that she was not a virgin, and that your relationship would not be the same because of it.

Anyhow, I think that Noddy has given you some wonderful advice. If you really care for this girl it is important for you to listen to her when she wants to talk, but know when to back off when she is feeling uncomfortable about discussing the issue. Just be there for her, and you will do just fine!

First, let me say don't ever EVER second guess that someone has been raped. Yes, there are people who say they have when they haven't but it's far more damaging to someone who has survived a rape to be asked "are you sure?". Yes, she is sure. Whether you define it as rape or not, she feels raped and that is more than enough.

Noddy has some wonderful advice. Her resources are good and I suggest you check them out so you can present them to your friend.

I prefer to use the term "rape survivor" because that's exactly what she is. She is a survivor. And even though something despicable happened to her, she needs to know that she is not a victim. She DOES have control over her life and power to change things, even if that one act left her feeling like she doesn't.

Rape survivors have a lot of feelings that they associate with their rape. Many feel like they are no longer worth what they used to be worth. They feel as though something has been taken from them. Many feel like no one will understand and lets face it, unless you've been raped, you can't understand what it's like to be a victim.

It's like me saying I know what it's like to held at gun point. I can tell you it would be scary as hell and would scar me emotionally but I can't tell you exactly how it would effect me now or in the future.

What your friend is going through is normal. She probably has no idea how she will deal with this in the future and is trying to get through today. She doesn't know how this will effect her in the future. She is probably angry and confused in ways she can't even express to you yet. She may not know how. She may not trust you that much (not your fault but just a product of rape).

How long ago did this happen? If it was recent, she may still be in denial that the whole thing actually happened and by talking about it with you, it makes it real. While she cannot keep this bottled up forever, maybe she just isn't ready to talk to you about it yet.

Be gentle and tell her very simply that you understand she has been through something traumatic and when she is ready to talk to you about it, you will be there for her. Give her the information Noddy provided and explain that should she need someone to support her through this, you will do it. Tell her that there is no pressure to talk about details. Don't ask about details.

All in all, the best you can do is what everyone else said and that is to offer her your shoulder to cry on and a safe place for her to be. There is no doubt in my mind that she is having trust issues with men. You need to let her know you are not threatening in any way. Come to her as a friend, not as a guy. Give her the resources to help herself. Don't force her. That will only reinforce the fact that somehow she is damaged and there is something wrong with her.

Tell her that it might be helpful to her to seek a support group to talk with people who have been where she is but if she isn't comfortable with it, that that is ok to. Perhaps she will seek anonymous support on the internet or a crisis line.

Your relationship will never be the same. Her life will never be the same and neither will yours. You miss the way things used to be but I am sure she misses the life that was taken from her more.

Good luck. I wish no one ever had to go through this.

Re: RAPE


Something that might help you both is to read a book I read in my 20's. It's called "I never called it rape" by Robin Warshaw. Here's a link to amazon.com where this book is on sale for $10.40.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060925728/102-5458450-3408102?v=glance&n=283155

This book helped me a great deal to understand why I was doing some of the things I was doing. I was raped at the age of five by my step-father but I blocked the memory of this until my late 20's. When I was 18 I got raped again, but thinking it was the first time, my response was to go out and become quite permisquous. I thought, "Well I guess I don't have anything to "keep" anymore, so what's the point?" For years I thought I was nuts because I was doing the exact opposite of what hollywood portrays rape victims to do. Then I read this book and saw that 40% of women who are raped do exactly what I did. I was raped two more times when I was 20. The fourth time I never called rape until I read this book.

What had happened was I had been out drinking with some friends. When we got back to the house they went to the downstairs apartment to smoke some pot. They invited me to come along but I said no and went upstairs to my apartment and went to sleep. About an hour later I heard this loud crash (the sound of him kicking my door open) and then next thing I knew he was on top of me. I never said no to what he was doing. In the course of just a couple of seconds I decided that I had no control over this so why fight it? I would only hurt me more to do so. So I didn't fight, but I didn't want it either.

This book provided the insight I needed to understand that this was indeed rape. Admitting it was the first step for me to overcoming it. I hope this provides a little insight into your situation. I really recommend reading this book.

i told her that the way i see her hasnt changed and that i will always be there for her to talk to, and suggested she go speak to sum1, and i gave her the site u guys gave me. She told me didnt wanna speak to anyone, so i stopped at that and said, whatever you feel is best for you, but im always here to talk to. So idk if i handled that right, should i nudge her more to speak to sum1?

I think you did the right thing. You let her know that you are there for her. Don't push her. Once she feels completely safe in discussing this with you, I am sure she will open up.

Houzer--

One of the ugliest aspects of rape is that a woman/girl is deprived of control of her own body. She's treated not as a person, but as a thing.

Your friend could not control her rape--but she can control the speed at which she works towards recovery.

Taking charge would be very wrong. Just being there for her is much harder--but being there is the right thing to do.

ya and i def will be, but i just wanted to make sure that i shouldnt keep on nudging her to go speak to a counselor of some type.

No, don't bug her about it. She will talk when she is good and ready. You might think it's time but for it, it isn't time. Keep resources available for her but don't ask her if she's ready. If and when she talks to you about it, knowing that she did on her own time will mean volumes to her.

Like I said before, nudging her to go to see someone could be the nudge she needs to go but it could also (and more importantly) be saying to her "You are defective. You need someone else to fix you." and any control she has regained could be shattered. Rape suriviros are unique. It's more than post traumatic disorder.

Give her what you have, tell her that you will support her and let her come to you.

Houzer, It is good that you are so caring and concerned for her. You definately need to let her come to terms with this when she is ready. Don't nudge her. Show her she can trust you to love her anyway, regardless of how she feels. She'll come around eventually. It just may take her some time. Support her, believe in her, and don't give up if it takes longer than you think it should.