RAPE

houzer911- She was 15 when she was sexually assaulted. Yes, raped. A fifteen year old cannot legally consent to sex. I think that she would be better off if you left her alone. If you find her past, which was not her fault, something that you just can't forget, she would be much better off with a guy who has a lot more empathy than you do. Move on, and do her a favor!

she came to me about it though, it only bothers me because i see it upsets her...

houzer- What she needs is a friend, someone who will accept her, with her past, and empathize with her. She shared something with you that she could not tell anyone else. That tells me that she thinks a lot of you. Do you think that you can be the person that she needs right now?

I completely agree with Phoenix here. If you can't handle what happened to her and accept her for who she is and not what has happened in her past, then do the right thing and get out of her life.

It really doesn't matter if she lost her virginity to rape or consent, does it? The point is it's her past! Are you going to hold her past against her because you don't like it?

If you can't stand the heat, move to Alaska.

wait a second, guys. i don't think houzer has formulated any kind of a dismissing opinion or judgment on her past. he seems to be genuinely confused and wanting to help someone who he thinks might not be dealing with what he thinks she should deal with. he seems confused and reaching out for help/advice. at least it seems that way to me.

houzer, i don't have much advice for you. other than remaining the one that she can talk to about this and support her if she decides to deal with it and respect her need to withdraw and be on her own a bit.

She needs you as a friend. No matter what happened, she is confused and something from her past is upsetting her. She needs to figure it out, and find a way to move past it. She may need to see a professional.

You are right. The romantic relationship can not be the same now that she has opened up to you. She's got things to do, and it is not a rejection of you, it is simply where she is at as a person.

Give her the space and acceptance to explore this. Let her go if you can not be a friend to her - above and beyond any romantic desires.

good luck.

dagmaraka,

Well, in his last paragraph up there it seems he is the one having a problem dealing with this. He says he doesn't know if it was rape, etc. I hope he is just concerned about her feelings about this and won't let it be a problem between them.

Nice to see you!

Don't worry, thats what I got from your post, too... and I mean, anyone in your position would be fretting about what to do, of course! What to say or not to say, you want to help her but not make an issue out of it, but still be there for her though - et cetera - and you cant talk about it with anyone else, either ...

What can you do? Not much ...

Let her take her time ... Dont put her on any guilt trip about her change of mood (so to say), in being less affectionate now, because any pressure, apart from not being kind, is also going to backfire, I'm guessing ... but try to make sure she knows she can always talk about it with you, if she wants ...

I mean, if there's such a sudden change, then obviously she's grappling with something, so if she can get the feeling that she is secure with you, and that being with you helps grapple with it rather than make it harder, then thats going to benefit your relationship as well of course...

"Secure" meaning, literally, safe; as well as free to talk, or to react in perhaps different ways than you would ideally have wanted, because of how that experience has affected her...

Mind you, this is a bit of a tightrope. Perhaps she really doesnt want to talk about it, at all, or not with you, perhaps she wants to deal with it - whatever it was - later, or by her own, or not through talking - and then you keeping reminding her that you know, you're there for her about this if it is a problem, is just going to stress her out. So, tricky.

Especially since it doesnt seem quite clear what happened (yes, legally any sex under 16 is illegal, but, yeah, real life is more complicated..). Perhaps she was pressured into sex (rape), perhaps its more that she feels she was trapped or cheated into it. In any case, if there's any chance that you're giving off the vibe that you think it's a problem for you - you know, that you think less of her for not being a virgin anymore or something (this is the vibe Phoenix perceived and reacted to I think) - then that would be something to strenuously avoid. Making her feel guilty about it in any way (even if you don't mean to, at all) will definitely make things worse and yes, result in less affection.

But at the same time, you're also not going to want to just blithely ignore that she told you something and seem indifferent to it... tricky, yes. Leave as much as possible to her, without making her feel you dont care either way, dont be judgemental in any way, make her feel secure ...

Others I'm sure will have better advice. In the meantime, good luck...

idc whether she had sex or not, and what she did. I never said i couldnt handle it, thats not an issue, i told her im here for her and wed get through it...idk why everyone jumped to that conclusion.

Im just more confused about whether i should encourage her to go to the police or speak to a counselor or just let it be.

Well, of course, if you're a young person, you fall in love, and for whatever reason your girl suddenly stops being affectionate with you, then you're going to be upset, it's only human. I don't think anything Houzer said went much beyond that!

Its a toughie, Houzer, because its only normal that you feel a bit confused - perhaps even a little hurt or lonely, if she suddenly stopped being affectionate with you - but you're gonna have to put that feeling aside for the moment ... and not bother her with it now.

You seem to know where it comes from, in any case, its good that you know - and to be mostly concerned about how to do the right thing for her - so you could be on the right way! Bottom line is that the better she will feel (about herself, about this, in general), the more chance that she'll be open and affectionate with you again too..

(PS: Dont ever think that you can solve her problem (for her) though ...)

you can merely show your support, i think. decision what to do with her experience will have to be upon her ultimately.

How old are y'all?

na the affection i can deal with, that is def not too much of an issue anymore now that i think about it. I know i cant make it better FOR her, but should i encourage her to speak to someone or talk to specific people?

houzer911,

Ok, first, let me apologize to you because I thought this was bothering you because she is not a virgin. So, please accept my apology.

When did this happen? There is a statute of limitations on rape (usually between 2-5 years I think). If it's been longer than that she won't be able to do anything legally.

But, I strongly suggest you get her to agree to some counseling. This is a very serious issue and if she does not get help with it she can continue to suffer the consequences of the incident until she deals with it.

Be her friend. Comfort her. Make her feel safe. Above all, make her feel safe with you. This is hard for a woman to recover from but a man that will not push her about it can be her greatest comfort and encouragement.

I will say a prayer for you both.

Romance is for the birds, anyway. Love happens between real people who deal with real life.

If you require a virgin to go through your first sexual climax with another person, Houzer, it would be best to understand that about yourself, and figure out how to act with your friend, than to just somehow disappear on her, or alternately, make her feel completely horrible at a vulnerable age.

Rape is a complex subject - though people throw definitions at it all the time, the word 'no' being the usual key. But, past whatever you call it, people's participation in sex varies, and certainly varies wildly at such a young age as your friend.

Please, whatever you do or say, do not make her feel dirty. She isn't. I think it best if she have some counselling, and not by counsellors who just tell one to lead a pure life.

You could mention it once, mention what the possibilities are (gauge her reaction to see when to shut up already), and then ... leave it up to her ... her choice. Her decision.

(is my two cents...)

Ack!

I realize on rereading what I said that I sound as if your friend had actually enjoyed and fully participated in the sex that she would somehow be dirty. Not according to me, she wouldn't.

haha i have no idea what osso said....but ok! yaa idk we'll see what happens, ill let you know

Ah, just read it slowly.