My, our, relationship problems

Sounds like she wants to go

I don't measure a successful relationship by how long it lasts but by how well each person was treated. People live much longer now and often times things just wear out.

I want to add that she says I am a great person, a great father and that she loves me for who I am and what we have done, but she is not in love with me any longer. We have a long wonderful history together, but I guess on my part, I kinda failed her. I'm tired and need to sleep. I can give more info tomorrow when I have time.

I feel for you man.
Sometimes life just f*cking stinks.
And there is sh*t you can do about it

married__nj--



Reputable marriage counselors don't decide what is best for couples or individuals--they help couples and individuals decide what they really want.

You really want your marriage back.

Your wife isn't all that sure that she wouldn't be signing up for "Same Old, Same Old".

What the neighbors think isn't important. What the counselor thinks isn't important. What you wife thinks is very important.

You are full of good resolutions, but what--aside from the shelf--have you actually done?

1) You are assuming (under the circumstances) that there is reasonable pleasing of Mrs. married__nj.

2) When you ask "what--aside from the shelf--have you actually done", I would askyou, Noddy24, why you would not consider the following as meritable accomplishments?

Mrs. married__nj says:

He is a great person
He is a great father
She loves him for who he is
She loves him for what they have done
They have a long wonderful history

married_nj--

If you're such a great guy, what possible reason (aside from insanity) could she have for wanting to leave you and be Single Again?

Your version of the decline of the marriage has a great enormous gap.

Leaves more to read between the lines

Sorry, been away a while. Noddy...Her specific reasons...
-I have not followed through on what she wanted to do to the house. Get this for the house, do that, remodel this. Not that I did not let her, we discussed it and we never followed through.
-She let me do things that I wanted to do that she did not or she went along with something that she did not want to do, but she did not say no even if she did not want to. Did that make sense?
-She says I did not validate her. Support her in starting her business or saying good job to this or that. Sometimes I may have and sometimes I may have not. I have help her with her business, I guess not like she expected me to.
-She says sex is lousy. I ehmmmmm to early. This seems like a physical problem which I need to work on. I think she can help with a physical problem just like if I broke an arm or something. Yes/no? I bought supposedly a good book about this which I am reading learning about my body.
-She likes to be pursued. Guess I'm too wrapped up with being home or being available for the kids while she is off working until 8,9 sometimes past midnight.

I offer to try and correct all of these things like I was giving into her every need to keep her and our relationship alive. Like I was wimping out. Is this wimping out?

All these things are just to detailed to jot down like this. Earlier this week I said to her why don't we just take a break from each other. She just moved her business, which now she has someplace she can stay. She already moved out most of her clothes which she has been doing anyway. So she is staying there, coming home so she can get the kids on the bus. Doing some stuff then she goes back to work, comes home to see the kids after school then leaves again. I see her in the morning and sometimes when I get home from work. Maybe this will help us both. She did she she misses companionship which I give her when we are in good moods to each other.
Today, on my hour drive home from work, I thought to myself...F this, F her. I can find someone new that I can be more compatible with. I don't need her. Why am I going through all this crap. Sometimes these changes can be for the better. Jeeze, I even now have a prescription for Xanax. And I'm usually a very calm person. I get the shakes sometimes and anxiety attacks. Why should this be happening to me? I almost want to say the F with it all and get divorced to end this torture. In the past in my heart I wanted to much to keep her, now I almost don't care. It would really be ashame that we split up, especially for the 2 kids. I never envisioned I would be in this situation, we would be together until the end. Fantasy I guess.
Your turn. I have more to rattle off.

I really hate to say this, but it sounds like your wife is plain tired of being a wife and mother.
From what you're saying, it seems that she has abandoned your children as well.
I'm sorry to see anyone go through this and my heart goes out to you.

You've had ample time to make a pretty serious dent in that since you last posted. Did you? Or do anything else that clearly demonstrated you're a changed man, other than announce good intentions? (Not sure I still think you should; just looking for clarification.)

What is it exactly that you're trying not to say? You are anonymous here, you know.

It's impossible to waste time learning about yourself. This isn't something she should have to help you with, like a broken arm, no. This is your time to be masculine, not needy. It's also something you need to fix, whether you save your marriage or not. Sexually satisfied women seldom stray... but...

I won't pretend to be some kind of therapist, but as a kid I'd fire the first bullet before leaving the house to make sure that wouldn't happen. Perhaps you're a little under-sexed, but that's nothing you can't take care of yourself, either. Suffice to say; learning how to please your partner in the bedroom is paramount, so don't stop trying till you figure it out.
Don't we all? I doubt there's a man or woman alive that doesn't like to feel sexy. My guess is; it's still 10 times as important to a woman though. You have to make an effort to notice the little things (Hair highlights, new shoes, etc.). Practice paying attention on any woman; and watch her face light up when you notice something she did to feel sexier.

At this juncture? Probably. F your pride, that isn't what I mean. I mean there's nothing sexy about a wimp. Take a look around at all the A-holes with fine women on their arms. It defies logic, but consider who we're talking about here. :wink: Walking the walk you talk is important, but so is being a man. You were a man when she met you, not some cowering creature afraid of being left alone. Find that man and then improve on him.

It does sound like you need to start worrying more about you than losing her. Take steps to improve yourself, for your own sake, and see if she notices. Splitting up may already be a fore drawn conclusion for her. Come to terms with that and find yourself. Until you find peace and happiness from within, it's unlikely you'll find it with her... or anybody else for that matter.

Whether it's your wife or anyone else; the best way to attract someone is to be attractive. Do what you can to make the most of your appearance. Focus on a time when you were terribly happy, until you feel that way again; then show it. Put the past behind you and make sure you can be proud of your present and future. Set time aside specifically for worrying, and leave the worrying in a drawer when the time's not appropriate. Never forget you were born with 2 ears and only one mouth for a reason. When listening; listen. Ask pertinent questions to fully understand what you're listening to. Point out a pretty feature, rather than state a woman's pretty. There's probably books on this kind of thing that make my babbling look childish, so you might want to check one out. In my opinion; the path to attracting a better partner is through developing a better you.

Good Luck Married_nj. You sound like someone who deserves some. (Even luck favors the prepared mind... trust me... I play a lot of poker :wink: )

Great post Bill.

Montana--

She's visiting the kids twice a day--including that very hectic Top Of The Morning & Off To The Bus Chaos.

married-nj--

Occom Bill and I think alike here.

I'll point out that you asked for advice....and then vanished. Have you been doing the same sort of "I'll just put it on my back burner" actions in your marriage?



Perhaps this describes the point (with or without the Xanax) that your wife reached last month.

Noddy
Yes, she visits the kids, but kids need their mother more than just to be shuffled to the bus and a kiss good night.

There are several things he mentioned that brought me to feel this way, including the fact that she wanted him to do this, get that and so on.
She started a business where she's working into the night, while she has kids at home.
It also sounds to me that if she leaves him, she has no intentions of taking the kids with her and that gets the red flags going for me.
Then I'm thinking about what he said about her not liking something a counsellor had said to her, so she didn't go there anymore. This sounds like someone who isn't willing to see her own faults.
The fact that she pretty much moved out and left the kids as well really bugs me.
So she's there for a bit to get them on the bus and is there for a bit at night before they go to bed, so I'm wondering where her priorities are.
I know every marriage has problems, but when I walked out on my man, I took my son with me and I would have never dreamed of leaving him behind.
I would really like to hear how the kids feel about it.

On that note, I'm thinking there may be more to the story. Maybe she was doing everything at home, including taking care of the kids, so she got fed up, started a business that consumes all of her time, got an apartment so that he could do everything at home for a change.
Who knows what her reasons are, but I still can't shake the fact that she has basically abandoned her kids to seek out her freedom.

Just my opinion of course.

Montana--

I had a next door neighbor who held down a full time job, visited her kids twice a day (and made sure they had clean clothes and three wholesome meals) as well as being the Primary Caregiver for her own parents, both of whom had severe medical problems.

Her kids benefited from staying in the family house and the familiar neighborhood and school.

Changing the subject, I think married_nj wants absolution and absolution is not my department. Heroic motherhood is.

Thanks for the food for thought, Noddy. I truly understand what you're saying. I'm just thinking about how her leaving effects the kids. Kids take things very personally and I know if I was one of her children, I would feel abandoned.
She started a business that consists of long hours, so that in itself already took most of her time away from the kids. This alone must have been difficult for the kids, so her literally moving out must be at least somewhat devistating for them. I know it would have been for me if it had been my mom.
I could see her working full time and still having plenty of time for her kids, but she's working until 9 at night, so there's no way she can work 12 hour days and have eough time for her kids, even if she was still living at home.

Anyway, we all have different opinions and that's what makes us all unique :-D

Slow down folks. Before we go patting Mrs. NJ on the back we should consider that we're only aware of Mr. NJ's shortcomings because he freely disclosed them. The fact that he's said virtually nothing to demonize his wife or blame shift is indicative of character in my book. While I wouldn't be surprised to learn Mr. NJ has low-lighted his shortcomings by a little, his relative candor leads me to conclude he's being pretty straightforward. I would be no more surprised to learn that he's actually absorbing more blame than he deserves. While Mrs. NJ may well be the veritable victim in this equation; it's equally possible and not even all that unlikely that her frustration has led her to stray into an affair. With the available info at hand, I feel unqualified to pass judgment on either… and my suggestions reflect a default assumption that neither is to blame. It's quite likely they simply grew apart and any seemingly damning details are simply the unfortunate side-effects of a love that's atrophied. If this is the case; assigning blame is as irrelevant as it is counter-productive to either reconciliation or civilized demise of their marriage. That they remain civil in the face of all this unrest is indicative to me that both are probably decent people who'll do what it takes to handle things civilly, regardless, for the sake of the children. I wish it so and wish them both the best of luck.

Bill
I'm hearing you and by no means am I placing blame on anyone. I read everything he said from the beginning and thought about it for a while before I responded.
The reason I responded the way I did is because I've seen several situations like this one and it rings some bells.
I was tempted to mention that it sounds to me like there may be an affair involved, but Mr. NJ didn't give enough information for me to go there.
I'm simply giving my honest opinion on this because I've seen so many situations that are very similar or exactly like this one.
So, for the record, I don't blame anyone and everything I say is stricty my opinion.

I know your response wasn't directed at me, but I just wanted to make sure it was clear that I wasn't blaming anyone.

Always good to see you, Bill :-D