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Husband's porn activity...am I a prude?

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Thank you for reading. My husband and I have been together for 9 years, we recently got married in October. We are young 29 and 30. He looks at porn 3-4x's a week online. He does not hide it. He says he likes it. he enjoys it. It is natural. All men do it. I feel it is a bit much. This morning I looked at his history and there were around 100 sited he went to last night while I was sleeping. I don't think this is normal. Is there an addiction here or is he normal? I looked at some of the sites and I was embarrassed he watched such things. I don't know what my feelings are. Honestly...I'm confused. In 2000 he was having a party at his house. His housemate suggested everyone go to a strip club. I wanted to go. My husband said he would never go to one of those places..I talked him into it. Well, when we got there I was overwhelmed. Literally women's vagina's in you face. I left...he stayed. He liked it. Just a little insight into his personality. He is truly kind and sweet. He is a very progressive man..very liberal. I was a woman's studies major in college and he always supported me. So, I am wondering how my husband who is so wonderful and progressive is searching porn for hours a week on end.
His porn surfing really got started when we got highspeed. He never had magazines movies etc. I am not a prude..at least I don't think I am. Do you think I am? Any suggestions?

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HI,

From another mans point of view i am also young 23 and married. Now it sounds like it might be a bit much but on a good note if he is not sleeping around on you than it is kinda ok but everyone has their diff opinions. As a man you want to see or want things that you do not have it is kind of like a fantasy in a way some of the stuff you are embarrassed to watch he probably watches and says that is awesome. But then again ask him who he would rather be with and it would be you because no one wants a porn star/slut as a wife or in any type of relationship. As far as the strip clubs alot of men love them because you get to see something diff naked but you can't touch it and you know you know she's not going home with you she is doing it for a paycheck. My opinion on strip clubs is you never go with your spouse it never leads to anything good. All in all no you are not a prude just have a talk with him and ask him to cut down a little bit that it makes you feel uncomfortable if he will then good if he won't and it bothers you that bad then you will probably have a problem but you can't hide from it all men like porn if they say they don't then they are liers.

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I don't know if you are a prude or not but you seem to have some sort of idealized image of your husband based on his political views.

What does being a liberal or progressive (or not) have to do with any of this? If you are under the impression that being a liberal/progressive means that people believe the same things about porn as the more extreme feminist groups (i.e. that any/all porn degrades women, etc..) then you'd be mistaken.

IMO, this is just an area that the two of you need to discuss openly.

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Quote:

...am I a prude?

Sure . . . if ya wannabe . . . can't be all that much fun, though . . .

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Pssst! Hey Set, If she dumps her hubbies porn I'll split it with ya!

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Cool beans ! ! !

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I answered this on the other thread you started.

I doubt that this is his first dabble with porn. Just because you didn't see the magazines or movies doesn't mean they weren't there.

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If you have a healthy sex life, than you are probably prying into things you don't want to know about. Checking his history is a bit invasive unless he invited you to do so.

If you have an unhealthy sex life, than you probably have a legitimate complaint and reason to snoop for the cause of it. There are worse ways a partner could fill the void. If he isn't secretive, perhaps there's just a communication issue regarding your mutual wants and needs.

I would caution you not to reveal what you learn to your mutual friends, necessarily, since all things sexual are generally considered a very private matter.

You indicated that the high speed access is relatively new; perhaps his new found porn access is just a novelty that will soon wear off. I know a lot of men (including me) who got no sleep the night the cranked up the WWW for the first time, for that very reason. :wink:

Thus far, you've written nothing that would lead me to believe you are a prude. Good Luck.

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I kind of do think being progressive and liberal has an influence on lifestyle. But, perhaps not with porn.
We committed to being vegetarians until we could either kill our own or buy organic meat. So as not to support an immoral and painful industry. We shop at second hand stores first. So, as not to support excessive consumerism and waste. We try not buy from big chain stores. So, as not to put local stores out of business. We have volunteered for Habitat for Humanity. So, as to give families mostly women and children new lives. We volunteered full time for three years doing Americorps (the domestic Peace Corps). So as to support local non-profit groups with the environmental and health care issues. We donate money to a well researched eviromental organization, to help fight the cutting down of Oregon's rainforests.
So, by him surfing porn sites, he is supporting these sites. There must be an imbalance of monetary power. The women most likely don't get most of the money.
So, that why I was equating progressive/liberal with not supporting internet porn. By writing all this...I realize this may be nieve.
I'm just saying someone who refuses starbucks and surfs porn 4x's a week seems a bit out of character. Or is it not? When it comes to porn is that a whole different ball game? Does the president of Habitat for Humanity surf porn? I guess he probably does.
Anyway, back to the question. I'm wondering if surfing 3/4x's a week is a lot..for a 30 year old man?

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Only three or four times a week, is that what you mean?

You better check for a pulse . . .

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limitlessbliss wrote:

So, that why I was equating progressive/liberal with not supporting internet porn. By writing all this...I realize this may be nieve. I'm just saying someone who refuses starbucks and surfs porn 4x's a week seems a bit out of character. Or is it not? When it comes to porn is that a whole different ball game?

I'd wager that if you joined in an"adult" forum or surveyed the people that run them and a sizeable number of the available porn sites you'd find that most of them also identify themselves as either "liberal" or "progressive". Most of them would probably roll on the floor laughing at the idea that that other progressives think their sites are somehow in conflict with progressive ideals.

Quote:

Anyway, back to the question. I'm wondering if surfing 3/4x's a week is a lot..for a 30 year old man?

Unless there is something else to the story I'd say he's slacking... Wink

Wink

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Its quite normal what he's doing its not harming anyone he's not doing it in front of you, yet you still have to 'snoop' which would be quite hurtful to him and make him feel like hes doing something bad should he find out especially when he has already told you upfront he looks at it....whats the big deal??
It appears to me you just have an over active mind, stop brewing and winding yourself up over it as really there are far worse things he could be getting up to.. :wink:

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3-4 times a week seems reasonable; especially since he is not hiding it.

If it bothers you, you need to consider why that is so. What - very specificially- bothers you about it?

It does seem like you put your guy on a bit of a pedestal. I could be wrong, but that is what I have picked up from the little you have posted.
If that is the case, maybe it bothers you to have the shiny image of him brought down to our more human and blotchy level. Do you see this activity as his as a negative trait?

Lots of wonderful, progressive, kind, beautiful men enjoy porn in moderation. Many of them do not allow it to hurt their lives. If everything else is going well, I would chalk it up to an enjoyable diversion for him.

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limitlessbliss wrote:

The women most likely don't get most of the money.

Darling, a close friend of mine works on an internet porn site and trust me, these girls are not hurting for money. They make incredible money. Money most of us won't ever see. Just to take their clothes off.

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They could make better money takin' my clothes off . . .

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Setanta wrote:

They could make better money takin' my clothes off . . .

I'd do it for free.

(Did I just say that outloud? ****. My cover is blown.)

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Let's just hope The Girl don't see this . . .

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"If it bothers you, you need to consider why that is so. What - very specificially- bothers you about it? " This is what I need to get figure out.
I guess I do find it odd..that he looks soo much. Looking at porn everyother day seems excessive and obsessive. Last night...I went for a jog. I didn't want to be home when he got home. I didn't want to be around him. This sounds crazy..but it's true. This is not healthy. I understand that I need to change my point of view. I need to open up and be cool with porn surfing. But how?
If the scenario was switched..and I was looking at porn everyother day and only having sex with my husband only 1x a week. I would feel unbalanced...and wonder what the f**k is wrong.
But he said he doesn't feel that way. So somehow, I need to become cool with it. I guess I just need to loosen up.

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Setanta wrote:

Let's just hope The Girl don't see this . . .

"The Girl"? That sounds bad.......

Should I gear up and arm myself?

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limitlessbliss wrote:

I understand that I need to change my point of view. I need to open up and be cool with porn surfing. But how?

Maybe you do need to compromise a little here but maybe so does he. You never need to be totally ok with it. You just need to either accept it or don't accept it. Coming to terms with something is different than being all gung ho about it.

limitlessbliss wrote:

If the scenario was switched..and I was looking at porn everyother day and only having sex with my husband only 1x a week. I would feel unbalanced...and wonder what the f**k is wrong.
But he said he doesn't feel that way. So somehow, I need to become cool with it. I guess I just need to loosen up.

He wouldn't feel that way if he was having his needs met. Because men and women look at porn in very different lights. Most men don't have the problem with it that women do.

I think before you "loosen up" you need to discover what's got you so tied in knots. Are you jealous because he is enjoying other women? Hurt because you feel betrayed or cheated on? Angry because he is doing something he swears he is morally against? You need to pinpoint what's got you so pissed. Otherwise, this is going to turn into a "You don't trust me!" issue with your man...and eventually, after pulling back and fighting over the same thing with no resolution, you will convince yourself he is doing things he probably isn't doing and porn will be the least of your worries.

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