shewolfnm -
You and everyone have been helpful thus far, it is certainly nice to hear others views.
Yes he has a townhouse, so it would require a new loan of some sorts.
He and my son get along great and I don't think he is intimated by his father. We don't communicate much at all. I mainly deal with his wife, my son's step mother so I don't think that is an issue.
I understand that it is a big step but after 4 years what are you afraid of - thats the part I don't get. At least now the cats out of the bag and he knows where I am coming from. I do want to TALK FACE TO FACE about more in depth issues such as what the hesitation is etc. But I am giving him time to chew on the whole concept a while.
also remember I am just asking for a plan really, if he told me that lets plan on looking next year for places and in the mean time get this paid off and fix up the townhouse to sell that would put be at ease.
Bottom line I guess is all I can do is share how I feel with him, he'll make a decision on whats right for him...That's a much easier thing to type then to actually believe...
eoe wrote:But she has the greatest reason of all to insist on knowing where she stands with him. She has a child who she must consider above all else, including the boyfriend or herself. I can remember feeling the need to address this very same issue with guys in the past and my reluctance about it, not wanting to appear desperate and end up scaring the man off but having a kid, she has a damn good excuse to be as bold as she needs to be.
Having a child to consider, you just don't have the time to waste with men who aren't on the same page as you.
I totally agree that the situation is important to bodemette, and that it is quite rightly a priority in her life, but don't you think that this would have been one of those times when it is only right and proper to have started this whole discussion on a one to one, face to face basis, rather than by an email, out of the blue?
Personally, I would have felt hurt that my partner had chosen to go this particular route.
Bodemette, I'm sorry if I am a little blunt in the way I state my case, but I am just giving my honest gut feeling.
You seem like a really nice person, but I think that you need to work on the communication aspect of your relationship with your man. The fault may lie with you, or him, but probably it lies with both of you.
Plain talking is obviously required, as you need to know where you stand, and quickly.
I wish you well, and hope that it all works out well for you. You need to know, one way or the other, and the only way is to talk it through.
Lord Ellpus,
I don't take offesne at all, everyone has their opinion and I am not sating the wya i handles is was the correct way. Unfortuntely I cannot go bacvk now...
We do have a wonderful relationship and can talk fact to face about anything. However being that I did not want this to get all emotional and off topic (letting my emotions take over) I choose to do it this way. It was important that I choose my words correctly here and sometimes in the heat of the moment you say tihngs you don't mean or start getting defensive if you take it the wrong way, know what I mean?
I wanted to avoid all of that, get the just of it out in the open, give him time to think and they have talks here and there to follow up.
Its not like we do all of our communicating this way, I do see your point though....
Sorry...I forgot to use the spell check
I have been thinking about this situation and I have an idea that worked really well for me and my husband when we had a huge problem that had many aspects to it.
We had to do something similar, but no where near the same as you.
we had to move, with a kid, involve other family members, readjust our finances and our personal space all in less then 3 months.
Some of those things are hwat you are facing now, so maybe this suggestion might work for you.
To quickly sum it up, my husbands father died and he decided he wanted to live with his mother to help with the empty house feeling. He was desperate for this to happen and quickly.. Mind you, I had just given birth to our child 4 weeks after his dads death.
What we did was break the entire situation up into subjects.
1) - Housing.
How we would deal with the apt we were renting, and how we would help pay MIL for the space we would have at her home
2) Our child.
Would it be beneficial to HER to live there? How well could we parent? Would it help us financially to parent her there. What were the schools like? Could she have her own room
3) Finances.
What can we save there? How much will it cost? Can we move on quickly..
etc, etc, etc
My point is, maybe you could draw an outline like this as well for you and your boyfriend and discuss each aspect of this situation instead of trying to untangle the whole ball of wax in one setting?
Just discussing..... lets say... getting a home together WITH OUT the idea of your child with you, or anything else for that matter, may help your boyfriend NOT feel attacked and pressured.
One day at a time, talk about one part of the situation and hammer it out as best you can with out throwing in other problems?
Does my rambling make sense?
Does your boyfriend want to get married? Does he want you and he and your son to share your lives together?
Tiptoeing around it like this indicates that you know that this may not be where he's at with you. Have you two discussed marriage in the past?
Yes, I wonder too how much the two of you have spoken about the future. What sorts of things does he see for himself and what sorts of goals are important to him - I'd want to know these things. Do they conflict with a future which could involve you, your son, and marriage (or simply life together). Are you really clear yet about what you need/want for the coming years? I know nothing can be black and white, but it feels good to have a plan ( like you said). Just to know if there is a possibility of moving forward together.
Sounds a little bit scary. What has been the general tone of your relationship thus far?
I'm really hoping things work out for you in the best possible way.
He says's he wants to spend his life with me and that he has no doubt that I am the one for him. He does want to get married and he knows that I am ready when he is. I have not bothered him about the whole marriage thing as I feel that he will propose or whatever when he is ready. I certainly would never want him to feel forced to propose, how awful would that be.
Only recently did I kinda go - Geeze its been 4 years, We really have to figure some things out.
I have yet to talk in detail about the EXACT hesitations, but am using my recent email as a starting point to many face to face talks in the next upcoming months.
shewolfnm - thats a great idea, I think I will try that !
Dump the creep! Life is too short and there are too many fish in the sea.
And if you insist on spending your life with this loser, not only should you insist on marriage but you should also insist that he adopt your son as well.
