Asking about "where we're going" gets him upset - why?

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I hope someone has words of advice for me. Here's my story. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. 3.5 of those we have been living together. I do have an apartment I keep close by for when I have my son with me. (I share custody with his father) Other then that I am pretty much living at my boyfriends. He knows that it is really hard keeping to places. His place is not big enough of all 3 of us

I wrote him an email today as I did not want to but him on the spot doing this face to face this is what I said.

"I did not want to put you on the spot with this so thought email was the best way to approach it. We have really never talked about what our future holds and it is coming on 4 years. I am not necessarily talking about marriage either, really just what you see for us in the next year or so....

Tyler is getting older and I really need to start thinking about making different decisions about where we live, or at least have a plan of something to work toward. I really love living with you but it is SO EXTREMELY HARD having to go back and forth between places all the time. Its really as if I don't belong anywhere or at least that's how I feel.

Depending on where your at I need to start looking at different options for Ty and I in the next coming year.

I am only trying to express where I'm at right now so I hope this doesn't make you mad, take some time, and when your ready let me know where your at so I can make plans accordingly..."

He is really mad at me, I think he feels threatened and that is not the plan at all. I do think though I am entitled to know where we are going, was I in the wrong. We never fight and have a great relationship. I hate feeling like we can't talk about something. Does he just need time to cool down. I don't it - HELP

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It sounds like he needs time to cool down and to grow up.

I think your question is entirely legitimate and I think it's cool that your son is the number one priority in the decision that you make. So many women make idiotic mistakes about that.

If I were you, I'd move back to your own apartment for a while.

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Bodemette--

Welcome to A2K.

Silver lining: At least you know personally how your son may feel shuttling between two homes.

I agree with Boomer. Your question was not out of line.

Unfortunately, his response indicates that he likes his love life just the way it is. A more conventional relationship would be more domesticity than he wants.

Good luck.

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Bodemette, is he mad because you sent him an email about it? Or mad because you asked?

I think that you both have a lot of growing up to do if you feel the best way to talk about the future is through email.

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Your boyfriend has had it easy-breezy all of this time and doesn't want his boat rocked but your primary concern must be your son. If your boyfriend doesn't understand and support that, he's not a FRIEND after all.

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Good for you for keeping your son #1. Don't lose sight of that.

You did right in asking your question. Why didn't you speak to him to his face though? You are living with this man, have been with him for nearly 4 years, and are sharing your life with him. Why is it difficult to speak about important things?

I think your bf is being immature. He is not thinking of you. He likes things the way they are (without those messy complications of real life to consider).

People tend to take what they can get until you tell them, and show them, that it is not acceptable. Be strong and don't be afraid to ask for what you need. A good guy will work with you and consider your needs; as well as his own.

Good luck.

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I think I understand why she sent the email instead of a face to face talk.

Sometimes things are best addressed at a distance - it allow you to then discuss it in a more intimate matter.

Mr. B and I have been together for 20 years. Not too long agon we hit a rough patch and we were not communicating well. I sent him an email, he sent one back, I wrote again.

He came home that night and we didn't discuss it but the next day, he sent an email, I sent an email...

In a couple of days we could talk again and things have been better.

Sometimes face to face is just too emotional. When you commit things to print you (maybe it's just me and Mr. B?) tend to think things through a bit more.

I can really understand how writing adds a bit of "oomph" in such circumstances.

I think bodemette handled this delicate question very well. I hope she comes back and tells us what's up.

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Good points, Boom. I hope she comes back too.

I understand in a lot of ways. I've been known to write long handwritten letters to the special guy in my life. Sometimes I give it to him, other times not. Mainly it helps me to see what I am feeling, and be able to pick out what I need from him. Kind of like preparing for a discussion/negotiation. It helps to seperate the wants from the needs; the facts from the emotion. I can get fiery and demanding; which really doesn't work with this guy. Communication can be a tricky business. Ups downs and all arounds.

Looks like I may have fallen into the trap of judging someone elses behavior. My apologies.
<shutting up now to watch how things go>

Smile

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Re: Asking about "where we're going" gets him upse

bodemette wrote:

He is really mad at me, I think he feels threatened and that is not the plan at all. I do think though I am entitled to know where we are going, was I in the wrong. We never fight and have a great relationship. I hate feeling like we can't talk about something. Does he just need time to cool down. I don't it - HELP

I think you got some fine responses from the wimmins but.. as a guy I can see where he could feel threatened (or at least backed into a corner).

When a woman says "what's in the future for us??" what the guy tends to hear is "Where's the damn rock!?!". lol

From day one we're bombarded with images and the idea that we're supposed to spring the question on an unsuspecting woman whilst sitting quietly in some dark resturant - that's what we're told is the "romantic" thing to do.

Now, when faced with a question like "what's in our future?" the guy basically has 2 options. He can bail and say "nothing!" or he can pony up and dump the hollywood scenario and ask you to marry him. So much for the whole romantic thing...

For most guys I don't think many other options ever come into mind. In your case another option could be that you both move into a bigger place that could accomodate your son as well. YOU may have to be the one to raise that option (if that's what you want...).

I'd agree that you are entitled to some inkling of an idea so that you can make plans for yourself and your son. It's a tough subject for a guy to discuss though.

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Email might work for some. I'm afraid I would take it as "State your intentions, or boogie."

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Men!

Bah!

I kind of understand your position as I was not really the .... ummmmm.... marrying kind but when kids are involved I really think stating your intentions is serious business.

If it hadn't been for Mo I would probably have suggested that long walk, short pier to Mr. B.

Kids get attached to people.

When those attachements are broken it can be a frikken nightmare for the darlings.

I have been there, done that, thrown up, thrown up again, lost sleep, lost more sleep, lost even more sleep by staying up all night crying in the shower where nobody could hear me, sought therapy and taken enough Prozac to know what I'm talking about on this point.

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Thanks!
Thanks Everyone....

I wrote the email because I knew if I was face to face it would come out wrong and I wanted time to really think about what I needed to say. I have no problem talking with him, he is my very best friend.

We did talk a bit that night he feels as if he is losing me but completely understands where I am coming from and does not blame me and that this was his doing. (not completely sure what that meant) I did not approach the issue any further or ask for answers as I know he needs time to think.

He has been married before 6 or so years back and she cheated on him after only 8 months so I know marriage for him is a touchy subject. He knows I want to eventually get married but I am fine with getting a place together for now and giving him a bit more time.

I can see how re reading that email it sounded a bit like "wheres the ring" but I did not mean it that way at all. Adam and my son are close, they get along well, our relationship is great - it is just time to take the next step which in my mind is combining our homes or at least planning for that.

I think I did the right thing by telling him where I was at, even though it was via email. I have made many decisions in the past based on my needs (I had my son when I was only 18) Now it is time that my son is first - he deserves a home not a part-time apartment. I will follow thru with MY plan and start looking for places. Hopefully adam will come around but if not maybe some apart time is what we need.

Anyway, thank you all for your advice

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Bodemette--

Thanks for the kind words--and good luck.

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I think that writting email , with such a touchy subject is a GREAT idea instead of plopping down at the dinner table with subjects like this that require time and usually grant an initial knee jerk reaction.

Best stay out of reach of the knee. Laughing

Bod-
Are you paying on 2 places as well?
You pay rent on the apt you use when you have your son. Are you also paying 1/2 rent or utilities in your boyfriends place as well?
That would hurt anyones pocket book.

If he is having a hard time chewing on the subject you gave him, maybe pointing out the financial burden you are carrying might help him understand too that you are not chasing the ring/marriage.

Besides that, if you can decide on a place you guys can share with enough space for your son when he is with you, you may get a WONDERFUL place since you wont be financially strapped to 2 apts. The possibilities are endless.

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Hi shewolfnm
shewolfnm -

No I am not paying rent at two places, he takes care of his mortgage. However, I do buy the food and household stuff for two places which is kind of silly so I would certainly safe money by not having to keep two places livable.

I did hint that between what he pays and what I pay, getting a place together would not be a stretch by any means. I also thought he may be worried about using his equity in his current home towards a new place if it dosen't work out. I have not got around to saying this to him yet but I will - if this is his concern I would be more then glad to sign a legal document that says, this much is his - does that make sense?

I hope that he decides its time to take the next step, I just don't know the reasons behind his hesitation. I plan on asking him after a while.

UGG the drama....lol

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Ooh, I don't know so much about the email thingy. Maybe men and women think differently on this.

If I received such an email out of the blue, I would....

A) Immediately think that it was some form of ultimatum, inferring that the blame somehow lay with me for not sorting it out sooner.

B) Feel a bit pissed off that the matter had to be formalised in writing, rather than raised in normal conversation.

C) Some form of deadline was being issued.

I would feel that I had been relegated to some form of business problem that you (Bod) had decided to solve.

Knee jerk reaction or not, I would be much more prepared to listen and discuss the matter during a face to face informal chat. Things could then be firmed up during subsequent chats. This approach would run a medium risk of an initial knee jerk.

The email approach would certainly receive the knee jerk, and probably result in either a badly worded and emotive knee jerk reply, or several hours of simmering and brooding before actually venting face to face.

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So, there's a male/female difference here. Keep in mind she was writing to a man.

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so, he bought his house? he isnt renting?

so for him there are other 'problems' to consider.
A new home loan, leaving his original home, refinancing.. etc.

yeah

this is a loaded situation.
How does he feel about your son?
Have you two really hammered that situation out or has it been pretty hush hush as well?

Im asking, ASSUMING it hasnt been worked out to well..
he may be undomfortale with the idea of sharing his home with the possibility of your sons father being in the picture.

He may be intimidated by the thought of a child all together.
ANd then, he may just have felt really blindsided , like L E said, at an email.

I wish i had more to offer in the support and advice area.. I dont truthfully know how I would handle that if i were him or you..

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I think writing it down is a good idea....and then talking to him about it. Don't just send and run.

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But she has the greatest reason of all to insist on knowing where she stands with him. She has a child who she must consider above all else, including the boyfriend or herself. I can remember feeling the need to address this very same issue with guys in the past and my reluctance about it, not wanting to appear desperate and end up scaring the man off but having a kid, she has a damn good excuse to be as bold as she needs to be.

Having a child to consider, you just don't have the time to waste with men who aren't on the same page as you.

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Asking about "where we're going" gets him upset - why?

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