I recently started dating a new girl to the area. She's 25 and I'm 31. Both of us have just come out of 5 year relationships, except in my case I was married for two of those. We've been on 3 "dates", the 1st out to dinner, the 2nd over at her place and the 3rd round at mine. I really like this girl, and I am sure she likes me. However, when I told her on our last date together how I felt, and that I wanted to spend more time with her, I really didn't get the response I expected. She didn't flat out reject me, but gave me a answer somewhere along the lines of "I don't want to rush into anything, as when I've done this in the past it usually ends just as quickly". I'm assuming she means the men she's dated in the period since splitting with her long term partner and meeting me. She also made an interesting comment about not "pissing anyone off" as she's new in this country.
I haven't slept with this girl, and I've told her the reason I'm not pushing in this area is because I respect her and think she's worth making an effort for. I'm just wondering if I made a schoolboy error in telling her how I felt and what I wanted so early on. I did bump into her in a bar the next night and we had a bit of chat, but we both played it cool. She had plenty of giuys around her, so I just left her to it. We never made any definitve plans when to hook up next, so I'm just wondering how I should play this now. Do I just leave the ball in her court and see if she calls me. Or do I leave it a few days and call her back and try and organise something.
I think you might have showed your hand a bit early. She may have taken your profession to signal a 'change' in the relationship--like sex or exclusivity--possibly one or both she's not ready for.
OR, your remark may have thrown cold water on her possible thrill of the hunt...
It wasn't a fatal error, IMO.
I'd:
1) Nix the professions for an extended period of time.
2) Call her, be nice, carefree; not mentioning the comment you made...
3) Ask her out to a well-defined place, dinner or a movie--not at your house...
4) When you take her home, note if she asks you in, or not. (This may be a clue as to whether or not her feelings have changed... and what her intentions are)
a) If she asks you in, she may desire increased physical activity.
b) Some women find it icky when a man talks about sex, in lieu of just going ahead and going for it. It is better to me when passionate kissing naturally culminates into nice, slow, investigatory intimacy.
c) You have to be secure enough to hear a "I'm not ready" in this case, or respond in a healthy way to non-verbal cues that she doesn't want to proceed.
At any rate, as disgusting as the truth is: Most people love the challenge of wanting the other person to want them. Giving a verbal proclamation so early many times takes away the challenge.
It always turned me off when a man asked if he could kiss me. Can I do this? Is it OK if I do that? Takes the electricity out of it.
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sozobe
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Mon 14 Apr, 2003 10:49 am
(For the record, and to bolster the general concept that you never can tell, I've always thought "can I kiss you?" was incredibly sweet and a big plus. And didn't preclude electricity at all)
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Slappy Doo Hoo
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Mon 14 Apr, 2003 10:52 am
First of all, you made a HUGE no-no by telling her you wanted to see her more after only a couple of dates. When you said that, you put her on the spot, and took away all the challenge and mystery for her. Obviously a girl wants a nice, honest guy, but you gotta play it cool for a while...make her want you, not by wearing your heart on your sleeve. Don't tell her anything like that for a while, wait to see if you can get her to say something like that first. One thing women want is a confident guy. Don't appear like you have no life other than dating her. Don't worry about it turning into a relationship or not...it is too soon for that, and things will fall into place. All you did was put pressure on her. Concentrate more on just having fun with her for now.
Anyway, call her. Don't wait more than a couple of days. Don't wait for her call, it may never happen. Doesn't mean she's not interested, it's just alot of girls don't like being the aggressive one. Ask her out again, but be casual about it. Just say something on a positive note, like "I had a lot of fun with you, let's get together again!"
If that doesn't work, you can always resort to stalking and prank phone calls.
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Sofia
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Mon 14 Apr, 2003 10:52 am
True.
We are wired differently.
Just to make it impossible for the mins!
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Slappy Doo Hoo
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Mon 14 Apr, 2003 10:55 am
I've never asked a girl if I could kiss her.
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Sofia
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Mon 14 Apr, 2003 11:00 am
Didn't think you were the type that would.
I always thought it was stupid, and not manly.
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sozobe
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Mon 14 Apr, 2003 11:07 am
I guess part of it is context -- one I'm thinking of was a total macho, would beat people up regularly (but only if they were racist skinheads ), big muscle wrestler guy, who I was thinking was TOO macho and I wasn't too sure about him. Then he asked, in a really sweet, shy way, and I was a goner.
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Sofia
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Mon 14 Apr, 2003 11:14 am
sozobe--
Your guy sounds very nice. Admittedly, my comment was based on another in a multitude of my hang-ups. I'm sure there are manly men, who are Askers. And Asking situations which were heavenly.
Just not for me.... Like crooked teeth and stringy hair matted to forehead and comb overs and min shorter than me and...
It is amazing I ever found date-ables.
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slam
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Mon 14 Apr, 2003 11:20 am
Yeah, I was thinking I played my hand a little too soon. What can I say, maybe I got caught up in the mood of the moment, maybe It was the alcohol. Whatever, it's done now. Just for the record, We've been pretty intimate, and I've never been one taking the spontaneity out of things, so it's not like I say "can I now put my hand there..." With every date, we've progressed a little further. Funny, on the 2nd date I stayed over at her place (the weather was lousy, she took pity on me) and she let me stay on the condition I slept in the spare bedroom. I thought it was cute and I have to say, I had (and cotinue) to have a massive amount of respect for her.
She knows I have a busy schedule, plenty of stuff going on outside of "me and her", and a whole bunch of friends. To be honest guys, I didn't think I'd put a foot wrong so far. When I met her in the bar on Friday (the night after out latest date) she introduced me to her friend who immediately said "Oh, I've heard a lot of nice things about you". But I don't wanna get tagged with the "Mr Nice" label....
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sozobe
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Mon 14 Apr, 2003 11:26 am
Oh, pshaw. I mean, if your goal is one night in the sack and then tootaloo, then worry about this stuff. But I've only seen girls complain about someone being "too nice" if the issue was just that they weren't attracted. Then if the person is not nice, the issue is that they are not nice. If the friends are saying they heard nice things about you, that's good.
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Sugar
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Mon 14 Apr, 2003 11:28 am
If you want to call her, then just call her.
The world is full of rules and people are full of rules. No one knows what they're supposed to be doing or what the other person wants them to do. So, everyone just sits around and waits for something to happen and we forget what it was we wanted.....
...and then we die.
Do what you want. If it doesn't work out, move on.
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Slappy Doo Hoo
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Mon 14 Apr, 2003 11:38 am
That was definitely a good sign that person at the bar said that.
As far as the "nice guy" label...obviously girls want a nice guy, they don't want to be with an a-hole, but they don't want a pushover either. There's got to be some "game," or "mystery" to you. Like sofia said about the thrill of the hunt. Think of it: you've got nothing to lose by playing it cool for a while, but you've can lose a good thing by putting her on the spot. Anyway, it's already happened, so there's nothing you can do now...just don't bring it up.
And according to the poll, call her, and stop dwelling. Maybe next time you won't have to sleep in the guest room.
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Sofia
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Mon 14 Apr, 2003 11:45 am
Slam--
Sounds like things are going very well for you.
I digressed into your sex life, because I'm obsessed with sex. (kidding.)
Anywho-- I'm with whoever said call her.
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Slappy Doo Hoo
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Mon 14 Apr, 2003 11:46 am
Sofia, stop kidding us.
You're not kidding.
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Sofia
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Mon 14 Apr, 2003 11:48 am
He's right.
I'm obsessed with sex.
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Slappy Doo Hoo
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Mon 14 Apr, 2003 11:56 am
We all are.
Nice sig, sofia. That movie's hilarious.
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jespah
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Mon 14 Apr, 2003 12:16 pm
Go for it. Call her. And like it's been said, be cool about it. Nothing too intimate. Just, hey, let's get together.
And then see what happens.
Best of luck to you.
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slam
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Mon 14 Apr, 2003 12:33 pm
Ok, so the general consesus is that I haven't completely blown it. I just get the feeling that I'm the one doing making all the effort here. It would be great if she called me and said hey "let's get together". I'm just curious as to how long it would be before she contacted me if I left the ball in her court. Which is one of the reasons why I started this thread in the first place (and BTW, thanks for the responses, your advice is V.appreciated)
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Slappy Doo Hoo
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Mon 14 Apr, 2003 12:43 pm
You're the guy. Suck it up and make the effort. Yes, it sucks sometimes, but that's how a lot of females are...they don't want to make a huge effort at first. No, you haven't completely blown it, as long as you didn't scare her off. Like I said, if you left it in her court, she might not call you, but that doesn't mean she's not into you...she might just sit and think "why hasn't he called me...oh well."
You could leave her with "call me later" on the next phone call if you really want to test her out though.
), big muscle wrestler guy, who I was thinking was TOO macho and I wasn't too sure about him. Then he asked, in a really sweet, shy way, and I was a goner.
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