Asleep in Church

Asleep in church

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church.

"Reverend," he said, "I have a problem - my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.

"And who pray made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.

"God!" Mrs. Jones cried out as she was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice.

As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mr. Jones poked his wife, who yelled, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"

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Marital sex


The three stages of marital sex:

Honeymoon sex: This is where you have sex three or four times a night.

Vacation sex: This is where you have sex, ten, or twelve times a year.

Oral sex: This is where you stand on the opposite side of the room from your spouse and yell, "F**K YOU."

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Too much skin


A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting here with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, sweetie, If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging rose garden."

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A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying "T-G-I-F"
He smiled at her and replied "S-H-I-T"
She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering "S-H-I-T".
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T".
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, T-hank G-oodness I-ts F-riday; get it?"
The man answered, "S-orry H-oney, I-t's T-hursday

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An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship, "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, "Was that one word or two?