Talking about secrets really WORKS

Hm. I have my doubts about telling your wife/hubby about an attraction to someone else when it isn't an issue in your relationship. Most people don't take well to that and then feelings of jealously and suspicion take root. Those feelings aren't so easy to get rid of and the person then begins looking for signs to validate the feelings.

No, I don't agree with you that you should spill the beans about all your dirty little secrets. Some, yes. This one, not so much.

I agree with Bella

I too was concocting this very same plan, already our minds are becoming one!

(I love that movie.... )

Yeah, me too...and then when you find out that the murderer was also the victim -- that was great...wait...what movie are we talking about?

Shrek 2

Well now Bella, exactly when is an attraction to someone other than your chosen partner NOT a big issue??
I can understand and sympathize with not WANTING to let the cat out
of the bag. However keeping the cat IN the bag may just be because you are getting a little too much of an ego boost or a kick out of someone being attracted to you and vice versa.
I realize it might sound unorthodox, but think about it. Think of all of these years, so many of these unhappy marriages, so many divorces. Hardly anyone can stay in a committed relationship anymore.
Maybe honesty IS the best policy. Specifically if the two of you can do something about getting to the bottom of what needs you may have
that are not being met. To just tell them - Oh by the way I am
really intensely attracted to Mr. X or Mrs. Z .... is NOT what I had in
mind. Getting to the bottom of it, getting honest with YOURSELF, and
with your life companion about what attracted you. Nothing
superficial like "Oh he has a great butt, you could park a car in the
shadow of his butt" Nothing glib and silly. I am talking about a sincere,
honest and heartfelt effort to maintain a monogamous relationship.
A dedication to work out ALL of your feelings between the two of you
seems to be a necessity. Whatever most people have been doing for
the past 30 to 40 years has NOT been working.

I can see that there appears to be absolutely NO sincere nor serious interest in dealing with this typical everyday issue of ongoing relationships.
Frankly, this is very disappointing to me. I have always found that the members of A2K or, back in the days of Abuzz, were open to discussion
and disection about anything and everything. AND as a matter of fact, what I posted was a tidbit of information shared with me (and wisely used by myself and my partner) by one of the most highly respected (PhD) family therapists here in NE Florida. I was not angry to hear about an attraction, in fact, I WAS very curious and interested in the root of it, where it's basis was. Generally, it was always my partner who got the attractions rather than I, but it turned out that "being needed" was an extremely important aspect of my partner's life. And, I being very much
my self sufficient self, didn't give much of a chance - so I learned HOW TO ASK FOR HELP, how to cry on the shoulder, how to be a more vivid
partner - for my partner - and for our relationship.

When IS it a big issue?

I think what's being said here -- and I agree -- is that sure, it's normal to be attracted. No big deal unless it's acted upon (and for some relationships, not even a big deal then, but that's not what's being discussed).

I take it for granted that my husband is attracted to other women, I just don't want to know about specific situations.

To be more precise -- I don't think that there is anything that needs to be addressed about the fact that attraction occurs unless it is acted upon, and I trust him not to act upon it. Attraction in and of itself is not a problem that needs to be remedied, IMO.

I agree that amorous temptation can be brought into perspective by mentioning to your spouse that so-and-so seems like a delightful person.

Of course if your spouse would be threatened by the idea that s/he is not the only Love Object in the universe, this is both unkind and counterproductive.

You ARE right about a spouse /significant other whose ego might be easily upset - but I still honestly believe that in the LONG run - this will be an "ego soothing practice." Being straightforward, honest and
direct about any occasion of temptation, I do believe will actually not only make your partner feel more secure & grounded knowing you, knowing that - yeah you're human, but becoming more and more conscious & aware that your level of committment is REALLY for certain AND on solid
ground; which would surely take the sting out of any momentary ego issue. As well as serve to decrease any temptation or attraction YOU
may feel toward a person, someone who is perhaps flirting with you,
and you (to your dismay) find yourself liking this attention just a wee bit too much. It may force you to look at your relationship, checking that your needs are being met. For a person who is so insecure in their relationship that just being honest about something like a momentary attraction to someone other than your partner/ spouse - I personally would feel more reassured that my spouse isn't harboring any flirtations hidden away, like a secret little flame. Secret little flames have a tendency to burst out and surprise people. I WANT to know. Not being able to
tell me if or what might be lacking in our relationship can't make for a very stable future for the relationship. Sooner or later, "harmless flirtations" CAN easily grow into full blown affairs, perhaps over nothing more than having an argument & leaving it unsettled for several days. These are moments when a person may act on a foolish, little, harmless flirtation. When it may be, all that is needed is for both persons to feel more secure in the knowledge that IF you are tempted - you would want to talk about it first and foremost!! To dissect it. To see if there is anything missing in the relationship, something that one of you needs and isn't getting. More romance, more private time together, more sharing deep confidences with each other. I think this is how relationships grow stronger & better. It's a trust-building way of handling a BIG issue in most peoples relationships that I am aware of. One or the other half of most relationships is generally ridiculously jealous, which then massively overshadows the individuality their partner needs, just like the need for togetherness, each partner's need for individuality has to be equally met. Otherwise, personally- I begin to feel suffocated ... jealousy is just bad business for a relationship over the long haul.