Overgrown my husband?

vera979 wrote:

He lost it because he is not good at it and not doing a damn thing to become better at it.

Don't hasten judging someone. You are disregarding your husband. Are u mad at his unemployment? Do u often have comparison between your husband and your friends' husbands. Be empathetic. Maybe your husband is having difficulties but he doesn't want to make u worry. Remember that Hardly do men share his problems with others even his wife.

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It amazes me though how the advise is always
"talk to him, tell him how you feel".
I did talk. Not once. And I mean talked, not argued or accused, nothing like that. He simply doesn't see what is my problem exactly. He doesn't want to see i think , because to acknoledge it will be painful.
And yes I do compare him to other men. And there are several people who told me that I could have done better, i could have a better man.

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Vera, we say talk talk talk because 99% of people don't talk before they come on here and complain about their awful spouses, and 99% of the time the spouses have no clue something is wrong.

And Vera, if you've done the talking and he refuses to listen and you are still miserable, you need to do the walking. If you are so unhappy in this marriage as you tell us you are, there isn't much choice on what you should do, is there? Are you asking us to ok you leaving your husband?

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vera979 wrote:

It amazes me though how the advise is always
"talk to him, tell him how you feel".
I did talk. Not once. And I mean talked, not argued or accused, nothing like that. He simply doesn't see what is my problem exactly. He doesn't want to see i think , because to acknoledge it will be painful.
And yes I do compare him to other men. And there are several people who told me that I could have done better, i could have a better man.

Ok,you've talked. This is good. Have you attempted to seek councilling?

Are you even of a mind to try to save your marriage? It is sounding very much like the majority of the problem lies with you and your perceptions and needs. Have you made him aware of the severity of your feelings?

People say talk to him, tell him how you feel, because as Bella says, the majority of people that come in here haven't done that yet. And you haven't exactly been forthcomming with pertinent information. We're getting it in spurts in response to advice/questions.

So what's the whole situation? Don't be afraid to write 4 - 5 paragraphs.

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Questioner, you are right. This is NOT the whole situation. I guess I was afraid to write 4-5 paragraphs cause i figured nnone will read it if it was too long Smile

))))

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Trust me, there are alot of people here with 3-5 PAGE problems. 4 - 5 paragraphs is nothing, and those of us that take this section of the forums seriously will happily read, digest, and offer advice if asked.

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vera- If you are writing a long post, please break it up into paragraphs. If I see a long post that is in a block, I pass it by.

I think that if you really think about what is happening, get a clear idea in your mind about your situation, and write it down in a logical fashion, it might be very helpful to you, even if no one else ever reads it. The fact the we have people here who are happy to help, is a bonus!

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Ok I will break it up into paragraphs. Of course af one of you guys mentioned its "Just my side of the story". I'll try to be honest objective though. Otherwise what's the point of doing this.
I really do need to get to the root cause of the problem that I am having. I think the twist (if I can call it that) in my situations is that is it subtle, it's not black and white, it's not all that terrible like some other couples have where there is abuse and all that kind of stuff.

# 1. Him: I'll start with positive: Generally nice person, kind and caring in his way. Cooks well. Never has conflicts with my parents or anyone on my side of the family. Nice and friendly with my friends too.
Reasonably good looking. Has enough friends, wouldn't call him very private or introvert or anything like that. Traveled quite a bit.
Negative- Like I mentioned before. Not motivated, I'd say lazy. Not exciting. Not enthusiastic. Not a very good father at all. At the moment out son stays with my mother. Was there for a month and maybe will stay another month there, so my husband didn't call my parents' home a single time to enquire how our son was doing. It is only me who call every day. Does not read books!!!!! His English is bad and he always embarrasses me when he speaks English. Would never take me to a restaurant unless I really really ask for it. And if I go without him complains I waste money eating out. a list could go on and on. But as you already know my main compliant is that he is not trying to better himself, never strives for anything plus he stops and prevents me in many ways to achieve my aspirations.

#2. SEX. Some friends ask me. Could sex be a problem here. Maybe he doesn't satisfy me. If we talk about strictly physical aspect of it. It has never been an issue. It has always been pretty good no complaints here and no furtherer discussion. I do not believe sex is a cause of a problem in our particular situation.

# 3. Other men. I do have a couple of men who would want to have serious relationship with me. I know both for many years almost a long as I know my husband. I do feel particularly attracted to another person.
I think I might be in love. I did see the difference of the kind of man I could have been with
He has everything I'm looking for in a man. I have known him for years too, the difference is , I think he knows about my feelings, he has some feelings for me, and yet it seems he is playing with me creating uncertainty between us so I cannot guess if he indeed interested in being with me or not..He just hints that he would want to be with me, but always says " It's my biggest wish to be together , but understand that under the circumstances (meaning me being married) we cannot" or something of this sort. Seems like he is just playing, that's all. I can't figure him out.

# 4 Dilemma. I do have a child. Do not want to do anything that would ultimately harm my son. I am a woman and want to be happy with a relationship with a man I love, respect, look up to, want!!!

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Excellent info! Ok, let me break it down a bit if I may.

Quote:

Negative- Like I mentioned before. Not motivated, I'd say lazy. Not exciting. Not enthusiastic. Not a very good father at all. At the moment out son stays with my mother. Was there for a month and maybe will stay another month there, so my husband didn't call my parents' home a single time to enquire how our son was doing. It is only me who call every day. Does not read books!!!!! His English is bad and he always embarrasses me when he speaks English. Would never take me to a restaurant unless I really really ask for it. And if I go without him complains I waste money eating out. a list could go on and on. But as you already know my main compliant is that he is not trying to better himself, never strives for anything plus he stops and prevents me in many ways to achieve my aspirations.

All of this information points to a man that does not care about his obligations. Whether they be to his job, to you, or to your son. This is red flag number 1. A marriage is about meeting the needs of your spouse, out-giving them if you will. That this is not being done (or, apparently, even attempted) then that is a truly bad sign.

If you wish to salvage this marriage (and you may not) then I would strongly urge you to seek the advice of a marriage counciler. And make sure your husband goes along as well.

Quote:

Other men. I do have a couple of men who would want to have serious relationship with me. I know both for many years almost a long as I know my husband. I do feel particularly attracted to another person.
I think I might be in love. I did see the difference of the kind of man I could have been with
He has everything I'm looking for in a man. I have known him for years too, the difference is , I think he knows about my feelings, he has some feelings for me, and yet it seems he is playing with me creating uncertainty between us so I cannot guess if he indeed interested in being with me or not..He just hints that he would want to be with me, but always says " It's my biggest wish to be together , but understand that under the circumstances (meaning me being married) we cannot" or something of this sort. Seems like he is just playing, that's all. I can't figure him out.

This is another rather large red flag. This tells me that you are obviously not happy at home, and that your husband is doing nothing whatsoever to earn your love. If he were, you would not being so inclined to have these thoughts so strongly.

Best advice I can offer is as I said earlier, seek councilling. If that doesn't work, or if he refuses to go then you've got a serious disfunction in the marriage, and it may be time to call the lawyers.

Best luck.

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vera979 wrote:

# 1. Him: I'll start with positive: Generally nice person, kind and caring in his way. Cooks well. Never has conflicts with my parents or anyone on my side of the family. Nice and friendly with my friends too.
Reasonably good looking. Has enough friends, wouldn't call him very private or introvert or anything like that. Traveled quite a bit.

These are all good reasons why you married him and it's good to remember those reasons when things get tough.

vera979 wrote:

Negative- Like I mentioned before. Not motivated, I'd say lazy. Not exciting. Not enthusiastic. Not a very good father at all.

This struck me. Was her ever a good father or has he always been lousy? And you only have one child, right? Perhaps, he just doesn't know how to be a dad. Kids don't come with instructions (as you know) and maybe he seperates himself from his son because he is afraid of doing something wrong. It's happened before. Ask him about it.

vera979 wrote:

Does not read books!!!!! His English is bad and he always embarrasses me when he speaks English. Would never take me to a restaurant unless I really really ask for it. And if I go without him complains I waste money eating out....plus he stops and prevents me in many ways to achieve my aspirations.

I know plenty of people who would rather have their fingernails removed than read a book. There is nothing wrong with that.
I am sure his english has never been great so if it didn't bother you before, why now? Ask yourself why it would bother you. Most likely a little thing that has added up over time and now it bothers you to no end.
Maybe he doesn't think spending money on over priced food is a wise thing to do. This too is not unusual.
And why would he stop you from aspiring? Is he strapping you down? Belittling your dreams? What could he possibly be doing to hold you back?

vera979 wrote:

# 3. Other men. I do have a couple of men who would want to have serious relationship with me. I know both for many years almost a long as I know my husband. I do feel particularly attracted to another person.
I think I might be in love. I did see the difference of the kind of man I could have been with

He has everything I'm looking for in a man. I have known him for years too, the difference is , I think he knows about my feelings, he has some feelings for me, and yet it seems he is playing with me creating uncertainty between us so I cannot guess if he indeed interested in being with me or not..He just hints that he would want to be with me, but always says " It's my biggest wish to be together , but understand that under the circumstances (meaning me being married) we cannot" or something of this sort. Seems like he is just playing, that's all. I can't figure him out.

Well, I was looking for that reason why suddenly all these things that your husband has always done are bothering you now and here it is, in black and white. You are looking for them. A reason to get out of your marriage. You have NO business messing around with this guy, emotionally or physically, which is probably why he hasn't been straight forward about his feelings toward you. He is probably uncomfortable with the fact that you are married. Stop this insane infatuation before it gets out of hand or leave your husband.

vera979 wrote:

# 4 Dilemma. I do have a child. Do not want to do anything that would ultimately harm my son. I am a woman and want to be happy with a relationship with a man I love, respect, look up to, want!!!

Let me spell this out very simply. L-E-A-V-E You have already decided what you want and that is not your husband. Your child is going to be emotionally damaged if you continue to live like this. Kids know. They see. Get out and start this life you think will be so much better. Maybe it will be. But maybe it won't. I think you've decided. Now do it.

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Yes, Bella is, as usual, correct in this. Having an uncaring bum for a father is, in my opinion, worse than having no father at all.

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YOU PEOPLE ARE AWESOME. I APPRECIATE YOUR OPINIONS AND ADVICE!!!!!!!!!!

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I am wrong three times a year. This was not one of them. Very Happy

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@vera979,

Hi Vera

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@vera979,

Hi Vera,
I have a similar problem and I am at the point when I`m not sure whether I should take it seriously.
I have been married for 2 years now (dating for 2 years before marriage) and things seemed to be going well between me and my husband. We had a good sexual relationship and he always took a good care of me. He never really proposed to me, the situation lead us to marriage, but it didn't really matter at that time because we were dating and we were happy. When we met we were pretty much at the same intellectual level with similar views and interests. But for the last two years I have completed my Masters degree, accountancy qualification, have grown in my career and my salary substantially increased and I feel like there is more to come in my career and education levels. But my husband is still at the same educational, financial and intellectual level as two years ago and does not have any passion for progression. I feel that I`ve started to have doubts if me and him are actually a good match for making a family. He has part time freelancing job here and there ( security guard, boxing instructor ect,). His income is inconsistent and he keeps saying that he`ll eventually start his own business to guaranty monthly income but this has been for 4 years now without any changes. He`s pushing me to have kids now,knowing that we will be on 'surviving' financial situation if I go on maternity leave and he will have to take care of rent and everything else by himself. But he is ok with that. He says: We will get trough things just like everybody else. But my problem is that I don`t want to get through things, I want the best for my children and my family and not just surviving.
As I grow intellectually I feel like we are growing apart as we have nothing to talk about and don`t spend much time together because we`re too busy with our own things. The only thing that holds us together is sexual relationship, convenience and attachment. Apart from that there is nothing else that me and him share together.
At the moment I feel like I want to walk away, but I am not sure whether I`m over-dramatizing things and I'm going through a stressful times or it is something I should start worrying about.
If anyone has any thoughts please share.
Thank you

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