Well I just came across this thread, CL, and read it all. First off, if you are not ready to see a therapist for any reason,
you darn well don't have to! Therapists cannot always help, given the particular stage you're at.
Second, your feeling you want to address your memories and then shutting down and not wanting to talk about it at all is
very common in cases like ours. Almost
every person who has repressed memories goes through this
cycle in very similar ways... they want help, then they want to completely forget about it.
So know that this cycle is OK and even to be expected. You are not unusual and you are not to be blamed for it.
Chai Tea is just not familiar with this process and takes it personally. That's OK. I can't tell you how many people I've annoyed and disappointed over the years with my own wanting to deal with it and then wanting to shut it down.
Third, I had many years of repressed memories and therapy myself for severe childhood abuse, and I can tell you therapy is not necessarily the answer for your problems, because it certainly was not FOR ME.
After 7 years of talking to a therapist about my own repressed memories, I was told (by this same therapist) I'd "made it all up" due to "shitty therapy." Frankly I was worse off after this than if I'd never seen a therapist at all.
But there are things you can do. Most important, I think, is to remember to be kind and gentle with yourself. It always helped me to try my best to comfort the part of me that still felt like a helpless little kid. You probably have a part like that too. Be kind to her.
Also remember you are not by any means alone. There are thousands upon thousands of us who have gone through the same process. We can understand. There may still be some internet boards where you can talk freely about this stuff when you want... then NOT talk when you want.
You are in your twenties, yes? I am now 44 and I can tell you I am through it, over it, and free. It was not by any means easy, but in many ways I'm a better person today than I would have been had the abuse never happened. And I never dreamed I'd be able to say that! My own twenties were VERY difficult!
You can also read about repressed memories and how to deal with them whenever you're ready. My favorite book on the topic is "The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. Check your local library for other books, too. After all, they're free.
Allow yourself to shut down. Allow yourself to remember. Your body and your heart knows what you're ready to remember and what you're NOT ready to remember. You can trust the process, honest, even when it feels like you're really out of control.
PM me when you have your next crisis... it will come, and you will make it through it OK, and when you're done with it, you'll forget for a while. It's all OK. OK?
Also, CL, I'm writing all this not just for you, but for the other many, many people (women, mostly) who have repressed memories and are just as frightened and confused as I ever was. I hope lots of people read this and are helped, even just a little bit, but what I've written.
