I think you are referring to psychosis. Given your wife's history of mental illness and drug use, I hope you offer to get her professional help. I understand the social stigma of seeking counseling for yourself, but sometimes the pain of stigma is more imagined than real. It seems harder for men to overcome their fear of stigma than women but seeking professional help should not be seen as a sign of weakness.
Back to your wife... has she had other psychotic episodes during your five years together or were they all in the past? She might be under a lot of stress now because she's unhappy in her marriage and it's possible it's all cascading down on her to the point where she can't cope.
You really are in a situation that, IMHO, is too much for you to handle alone. Talk to your parents, talk to us, talk to a professional, but please - keep talking.
I cant stop thanking you guys coz you really give me some good point of views
Well her only psychotic episodes were when she hears these voices. I think she actually suffers more than she admits to me. I prefer to think that she has learnt to live with her disease but maybe thats not the truth
She used to go to a pshychiatrist for a number of years,
but when I met her she had stopped going.
SHe has never mentioned that she needs to go to counselling while she has been with me so I took it for granted that she does not need to. Maybe she actually does?
I have to admit that sometimes I feel very tired of this whole situation and wonder if this break up thing is actually a good thing for me. Now I know this sounds very selfish but I feel exhausted. My moods are currently going haywire - one moment im happy - the next im depressed. Wherever I go or whatever I do I just think about the stuff we did together. But then remmber her lying to me and get angry again. (I caught my wife lying to me several times in the past )
A lot of folks who need counseling -- particularly those with psychosis -- don't even realize that they need it. So, in retrospect, relying on her to say when she needed treatment might not have been wise.
Consider this analogy. There are plenty of diseases out there that either have few symptoms, or the symptoms are hard to pin down, or might be confused with something else. Take the flu, for instance, it generally just looks like a really bad cold, with digestive issues. You could easily say that (what turns out to be) a case of the flu is just a bad cold, and the digestive issues are explained away by claiming that you ate a bad clam or whatever. But in the meantime, it's not a cold, it's not mild food poisoning, it's flu, and it's potentially lethal. I'm not saying that it would kill you but the flu should be taken seriously as in getting bed rest and all of that.
Hence she had or perhaps has what we'll call the flu, but she thought it was just a really bad cold. She felt she was functional. She thought it was no big deal. And so she soldiered on. Don't underestimate the power of denial.
I am not saying that you should have known. I am sure that you are not a doctor. My only suggestion is that, knowing her history, it makes sense that she could potentially be in denial about a setback. Since you are not under the influence of psychosis, it would be up to you to push her to get treatment. Not all warning signs can be seen and I am not blaming. I am merely pointing out that, in retrospect, full reliance on her judgment in this area appears to have been somewhat misplaced.
But that's all water under the bridge. Now is the present, and you are also to be concerning yourself with the future. If you are to reconcile, you will have to come to grips with the fact that she may very well be ill again, or may become ill again, and it will be up to you to help her get treatment. It's hard to convince an adult to get medical attention, but psychosis does things to one's judgment. She may very well be (or become) as impaired as if she were an alcoholic on a bender. Someone has to take the reins, and it would have to be you. Are you up for that? Not everyone is, and it's no slam on you if you aren't.
If you are not to be together, then you will have to face up to the reality of getting yourself situated financially and socially. This means, selling or dividing assets, moving, perhaps getting another or a better job to make ends meet and/or keep you in your accustomed lifestyle.
Or, if you are unsure, and are going to go the trial separation route or give it one last college try, you will still need to work on financial issues, in order to assure your own possible independence if you end up needing it. And, you will need to work with her on her health issues, even if that means driving her to the doctor's every time. No half measures. You either work on your marriage, or you don't.
I am sorry if the above seems harsh. It isn't meant to be. All I'm saying is, inertia is not what will work right now. Something is going to change, and you can be swept along with this tide, or you can do some of the sweeping. Do at least some of the sweeping. You will feel better no matter what happens with your wife, and she may end up feeling better, too.
I do not think that this is harsh .
Right now we are talking only through msn .Im not pushing her to make a decision or something although when i asked her she said she has still not come up with any conclusions
I aaked her what bothers her in me. She continues to insist that there is nothing wrong but I asked her to think about it.
Regarding her psychosis I also suggested she should start seeing an expert again although she does not agree
I also suggested that she changes job to a more stable one where we get to meet each other more often. She disagreed with this as well. I have unusual working hours but i have lots of free days and a very good pay for here. So me changing jobs would probably be a bad idea
I am not trying to enforce her to do anything but am just laying down what I think should better our relationship
I would appreciate your comments , if you think im moving in the right direction or making matters worse
I think yuo really nedd to quit all communication for at least a couple of weeks.
If she is trying to sort her head out she needs no interuptions, taking her back a few steps each time.
Give it a total break, for maybe a month if you can, and as you say a break may do you good as well,as you are exhausted.
I think that's a good idea, mg, it might be good to let it lie for a little while and see what happens.
Okay I will try not to log on the chat program so she has no possibilty of talking to me. The setback I have is that she forgot the keys to the house so she has to come home very few days, when im at ome to collect new clothes.
BTW I still think she is/was having an affair because all the signs point there. I guess she would never admit it though. But ive been thinking that maybe she actually wanted to be caught . Is that a possibility?
I don't agree with cutting off all communications, she is haveing a tough time and I think the best, if not only thing you can do is make it clear that you are there to help her through this. What you should spend time thinking about is whether you want to continue your marriage. She needs to build a foundation to fall back on when times are tough. You say that you thought she was cured from her problems before you moved, but who of us can say that their hardest problems are ever truly cured, esp ones whos roots are from childhood.
Offer her your support and do it in a way that you can ensure anything you give her will not be fake in any way. The worst thing you could possibly do right now is help her recover with false hopes. Decide before you go any further whether you will be by her side reguardless
Deler wrote:I don't agree with cutting off all communications, she is haveing a tough time and I think the best, if not only thing you can do is make it clear that you are there to help her through this.
Sounds to me like she may be partying. He has needs as well, and they will most likely be met with some solitude.
CM, man, I'm right there with you. I have been where you are my friend. It is a ridiculous roller coaster ride of emotions, but it does heal up after some time.
My wife professed her love for me for months while she was having an affair with a man I completely trusted. The one biggest different between my story and yours is that my wife stayed at home, and all but begged to keep our marriage together.
At some point you need to find out for certain what your wife is doing. I say this because NOT knowing will eat at you, and will make the option of fixing the marriage non-existant. Trust is a fundamental part of marriage, and right now you have none for her. And until she either comes clean or explains her actions to your satisfaction, you won't be able to trust her.
I can't emphasize enough how destructive that will be. I wish I had more advice to offer you. You're not alone in what's happening. Please remember that regardless of what you feel, it isn't the end of the world, and there is life afterwards if things come to that. Best wishes to you mate.
My wife called today and said we must meet to talk. I am very busy for the next 4 days so I asked her what she would like to talk about. SHe did not want to say it on the phone but I said I know what she is thinking anyway and she kinda agreed that she does not want to continue this relationship
So thats it folks --- Im soon going to be seperated at the prime age of 29
, after barely a year and a half of marriage.
Can someone lose love so quickly. She continues to insist that when she married me she was in love .
So I have all these questions in my head about whats really happening. I guess I will never know. Right now I knwo my life sucks but I guess IM still in shock as im acting like nothing much is happening. Im not looking forward to the time when the BIG sadness will descend on me
Hey, it happens. I know people who didn't even make it to a year of marriage. It's just something that sometimes happens. It does not mean you are worth any less or even that she is worth any less. It just means that it didn't work out.
It'll be okay.
Just to keep you updated guys ---- we are heading to a seperation lawyer next week....so my marriage is well and truly over now
Confused Male. Sorry to hear you are in such pain,but this is the best way for all concerned. From your other posts,you've described a disturbed young lady,who isn't capable of loving you, and picked a bad way to end the marriage.
As much pain as you are in now,proceed with your action-plan for your own sake: separation,divorce,
what ever is possible in your situation. your parents and friends want the best for you,and they will be there for you when you need them. You must start your own recovery process now. If you can arrange it,get counseling for yourself,to begin the journey to your own whole complete life.
It is better to end an unhappy marriage,than to
stay in it and be miserable. Someday you'll find the right woman for you and she will want to have a life with you!!! Peace
