Marriage trouble again --- will this ever end ?

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I posted here before albeit briefly http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=52961

So here I am again and this time it seems that the situation is getting worse. It is a long story . It started 3 weeks ago. My wife works late with foreign clients sometimes. 3 weeks ago, she was out with some clients and told me that she is coming home at 1am in a phone message . I waited for her but when it was 1.30 I started to call her . No answer and no message. I got really worried and even called the hospital to see if there was an accident 3 hours pass and then my wife casually walks home. She said that she did not hear the phone.

AFter a huge argument she agreed that she would not do it again. A week passed and she had a workmate`s farewell party. She promised me I can trust her and that i should not be worried....well, guess what, same thing again

Yesterday night we were out together and i left her alone for 5 minutes to go to a shop. when i came out of the shop I saw that she was on the phone and she hanged up quickly. I asked her who it was and said that it was her girl friend from work. On the way home she said she was going out with the dog. I found this strange coz she never does this so late at night. So i let her go out, let a couple of minutes pass and went after her. She was on the phone and as soon as I reached her she was so surprised and hanged up real quick saying BY Bye Emma ( her friend ) So I ask her to see the phone and she refuses

I grabbed the phone and discover that she really has been calling a guy I never heard of. She says that it is an old friend of hers and we have a huge argument. I went for a walk and when i got back to the house found her packing a small bag and she said that she was going to spend the night at a friend`s house

Today I talked to her via MSN and she said that she needs some time alone. SO she is coming over to pick up some clothes and going to a hotel.
She swears nothing happened with this guy but I have caught her in lies before

I love my wife with my whole life but I am really going crazy. I dont know what is going through my head. I started to drink wine in the afternoon coz that si the only way I can forget reality a bit.Im also starting to think that life is really not worth living as it seems to be one huge disappointment for me.

What you think is happening. I know all the signs point to an affair but I still cant accept the reality. Please help

forgive me for my long rant and obvious spelling mistakes but im not at my best right now

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Did not see your earlier post but am going to comment on what you've said here. You have a wife who acted suspiciously, then got upset because you became - surprise! - suspicious? Uh, you're reacting perfectly normally.

The desire for privacy is one thing, I think that people deserve and have the right to privacy, even within marriage and for a lot of things. But your wife, who could conceivably have some privacy at work or during commuting or the like, is demanding more. And, she's using this time to call a guy -- not that there's specifically something wrong with making a phone call -- and the main issue is that she lied about who she was calling.

Never mind what they were talking about, the lie was about who she was talking to. She is certainly behaving in a guilty fashion.

As for the late nights thing, considering how big a fight you had the first time that she forgot to leave her cel phone on late at night, it's interesting that she set herself up for failure by either leaving the phone off or sticking it way down in her purse so that she would not hear it or -- she turned it off or otherwise just plain ignored it. Your wanting to know if she is all right at 1 AM is more than reasonable. It's not like it was 1 PM (I mean, she's an adult, being a little late is a part of life) -- it was super-late and, at the very least, you were concerned about her safety.

I think the signs are pointing in a pretty obvious direction, and I'm sorry about that. Start to line up your ducks, personally and financially.

I know that sounds harsh, but I ain't kidding. Consider talking to a counselor or clergyman (whoever you are most comfortable with) and ask about what happens during a separation. See if it's right for you (it might or might not be). You need not escalate things at this moment or even ever, but you should have all the facts.

I hope there are no children involved.

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Its not want you want to hear but i reckon she is definately hiding something from you.

Why would she need to hang up so quickly, why would she get defensive when asked who she was on the phone too, why go out to make a phonecall etc

She shouldnt be hiding anything from you, and I dont think its fair that she is out till the early hours without her contacting you.She should be glad that you are worried about her.

Let her go have time to herself, it may help or it may proove the relationship is coming to an end, either way its not fair that she is stringing you along.

Drink isnt the answer, it just gives you a sh*tty hangover, its not gona solve a thing.

Reality can suck, but then again it can be the best thing in the world.
Its a cliche but times a healer.

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thanks for trying to open my eyes . My sensible side is telling that there is something very fishy here but I really want to believe her as I really love her and a seperation would probably be devastating for me

I really do not know how I will start again. I will lose my partner who used to care about me in the past, I will be in financial trouble, my family will be shocked and I have no friends who I can go out with. the nights are the worst as I am used to being alone during the day.

I am nearly 30 years old and feel like a broken hearted teenager. Is it normal for amanmyage to break down and cry?

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Cry all you like and NEVER let anyone tell you you shouldnt!!!

Maybe a break will do her good and she will realise that she misses you!
It seem like the break will help her work things out one way or the other. i hope it goes your way but prepare yourself for the worst.

If she is cheating on you then i hope you realise you deserve better and maybe she isnt the great lady you believed her to be.
NEVER feel bad about splitting with someone that treats you like sh*t!!

As for being on your own, maybe if there are financial dificulties, could you ask your family for help, or maybe move back wih them.Hopefully the will be supportive and not lay their shock all upon you.
Maybe they know people that youd get along with, or try evening classes.

But thats only if the worst happens.

Give it time, its gona be tough for a while but take each day as it comes and dont wallow in this.Negative thinking or blaming yourself will eat away at you and get you absolutely nowhere.

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Of course it is. Don't worry about that. Emotions are a good thing, actually, even painful ones. Better that you feel something, versus being completely deadened to this, eh?

Talk to your family. They might not be as shocked as you think they will be. Whoever is easiest to talk to, call them first. You need not give details, just something like, "Dad, Margie and I are having problems right now. I don't really want to get into it, I just wanted to let you know."

And then play it by ear. Chances are good that Dad (or whoever you mention this to) will be sympathetic, might tell you that if you want to talk, they are listening, and offer to help you out in whatever manner he or she can.

Starting again is not easy, but it can be done and you can do it. Yes, it's going to stink financially for a while, but talk to your bank, talk to a financial consultant, a tax advisor, whoever you think can help you the most, and ask -- how do people get through this? You might have savings that you can tap, or assets you can sell.

And, of course, eventually you are going to want to speak to a lawyer. But let's take this one step at a time. The first step, whether you separate or not, whether this is a one-time bump in the road or not, is to call Dad (or whoever) and tell them that there are problems, and you just wanted to unload that much. Make it clear who Dad (or whoever) can tell about this, or if you want it to be completely confidential (expect, though, that anyone you tell will tell their spouse).

This will take one piece of the sting out of it all. It may make it easier to just say the words out loud. Nothing judgmental, nothing harsh, just "we're having problems right now". Everyone has problems of some level or another. Some are soluble. Some aren't. But it can't hurt to let that small bit out.

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Listening to you guys really helps me.

My wife came home and packed a few clothes and left for a hotel .I really tried to be strong but I could not help it and I just broke down. She told me that she does not really love me and it has been going on for some months now. So she needs some time to think.

The strange thing is that until a few weeks ago we were trying for children although the sex has waned a lot lately. This last month though she has not mentioned it and so I started to suspect that somethin was up. How can someone want children with her husband if she does not love him ?

Regarding my family I am on very good terms with them but never actually had much of a conversation. So it really is a bit emberassing for me to start it. But I guess the first step will be the hardest and then things will just flow

Regarding neagtive thinking, that is all I can think about right now Sad

Im trying to find out why my last 3 relationships failed miserably like this one probably will. There must be something wrong with me or my attitude coz it is too much to be a coincidence.

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Maybe it's just in the choices but not in anything you said or did. You sound like a caring person ('course I don't know you, except what you're typing here). It's a two-way street. It's gotta be on them, too, yanno.

It'll be okay. Your family will get it. They're on your side, or should be. You may very well find that, when you break the ice, a family member says something like, "I suspected, but I wasn't sure, and didn't want to say anything." Or they could be clueless. Smile

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I actually do think that im a caring person as I tried to make my wife happy every day, to the best I could. I gave her complimnets, I hugged her and i kissed her and tried to take her out as soon as she wished to go out

On the other hand I also tended to `mistreat` her a bit by spending more time on my pc than with her. But we always used to be in the same room basically. At nights she wanted me to go to bed with her though, and i usually refused, as I sleep very late (about 4 am) She did not want me to be there to make love , just to sleep there with her.

So this may have been a reason for her alienation.

But I always felt like I give to her much more love than she gives me. I knew that she loved me but she did not show it so much. SO i nagged about it. Why dont you hug me more, why dont you kiss me more,etc....

Probably I am very insecure due to my previous failed relationships. So the nagging must not have been very nice for her. But all i wanted, really, was a bit of love and affection

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Hi there,

I've been reading along but didn't have anything substantive to offer. You said,

Quote:

She told me that she does not really love me and it has been going on for some months now. So she needs some time to think.

What did she mean by 'it has' been going on for some months. Is she referring to not loving you for some time or has she admitted to a relationship with the phone guy and that is what's been going on for a few months?

I know you feel like this must be on your head because of the previous failed relationships, but like Jes said, it's hardly ever one sided. You've only been married a short time. How long were the two of you together before you got married?

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Ah, I just read your other thread and saw that you were together for 4 years before getting married.

That thread began in June and at that point she said she didn't love you. You'd only been married a little over a year at that point. My guess is either she never loved you and married you for some reason other than love and happiness, or the two of you have a different concept of what comes with marriage and it became obvious to her very quickly that the two of you were not looking to your marriage through the same lens. I'd lean more toward the first because you lived together before getting married and that should have let both of you know what married life would be like.

Why do you suppose she married you if she didn't love you enough to get through more than one year?

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Try to see it from her perspective what ever that may be, the guy on the phone isn't about the guy on the phone, it's about her. What ever attachment she has to this mistery person is her response to the situation. For what ever reason shes changed her mind, my guess would be that since you were together for 4 years and had just agreed to try and have kids, shes probably scared shitless. Even marriage, the idea of kids and forever can take time to sink in, it probably took until now for it to come up again and even though she was completely into the idea before she has to rethink it yet again. We spend most of our lives rethinking or reliveing that which we know. It isn't about you or anything you've done, anyone in this situation would give her reasons to rethink, shes scared plain and simple. About all you can do is let her know that you are there for her, she needs some time to stableize and sort things through. The best thing you could do is ask her to come home, but make sure you ask her and not tell her. Make it apparent that you are thinking of her and not you, give her a place she can rest and think reguardless of what she may choose. Let her know that this is where she should be to think until shes made her decision and the decision isn't what is on your mind. She said that she wanted to stay with you until things got better then started lashing out with hanging up the phone when you come in the room. Give her that place to recover

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J_B wrote:

Ah, I just read your other thread and saw that you were together for 4 years before getting married.

That thread began in June and at that point she said she didn't love you. You'd only been married a little over a year at that point. My guess is either she never loved you and married you for some reason other than love and happiness, or the two of you have a different concept of what comes with marriage and it became obvious to her very quickly that the two of you were not looking to your marriage through the same lens. I'd lean more toward the first because you lived together before getting married and that should have let both of you know what married life would be like.

Why do you suppose she married you if she didn't love you enough to get through more than one year?

I realy have no idea why she married me then , really. Now my wife is from a different country than mine. They are both European countries but mine is very diferent from hers. She must have made a huge sacrifice to come and live over here. But I told her before marriage that I would probably never move to her country due to my work. To that she agreed although im sure she had her doubts over time.

There is an age difference of 5 years between us , as shes 25. Maybe thats why we look at marriage through a different lens. I actually have my own suspicions whether she loved me so much when we got married

Just a small example is this. We went to a hotel for our reception. The following morning instead of actually wanting to stay with me, she got up early and told me that she was going near her mum at the hotel pool. Now, I know she does not see her mum much as she lives abroad, but for god`s sake, we have just married the night before and you actually dont want to spend the time with me ?

The strange thing is that I was happy in just a live -in relationship. She kep insisting that we should get married and I agreed.

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Deler wrote:

Try to see it from her perspective what ever that may be, the guy on the phone isn't about the guy on the phone, it's about her. What ever attachment she has to this mistery person is her response to the situation. For what ever reason shes changed her mind, my guess would be that since you were together for 4 years and had just agreed to try and have kids, shes probably scared shitless.

Although she is scared shitless she should not really play with her partner`s emotions. She wanted to have kids as well, and was actually very excited about the idea. Im scared as well about having kids as they will take a huge amount of our time and finances, but I dont go and hide in a hotel because of it.

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I feel really bad your you CM, and I probably won't be able to help too much but...

Has your wife been under a lot of stress lately? It does not necessarily have something to do with you. I've been married 2 and a half years, and my husband and I used to get into these vicious fights (even during the beginning of this year). We love each other dearly, but there was a lot of resentment and issues we hadn't worked out, and I would break down and cry frequently -- even thought several times about leaving. Turns out that both of us were also under a lot of stress and this was worsening the problems between us that we hadn't properly worked out. Most of the stress stemmed from grad school work and finances-- things we couldn't blame each other about, but acklowleging this helped us a lot.

Anyhow, maybe you guys have some issues to pinpoint and solve-- from your posts I couldn't tell if there were specific issues or if one day she just lost all feelings of love for you (my guess is that it's more complicated than that, but then I don't know you guys). Maybe she's not happy with work, or maybe she hasn't been completely straight about what's bothering her with your relationship-- maybe she even finds it hard to figure out what exactly it is that is bothering her. Trying to talk this through with her in a level-headed manner or counseling could help.
good luck to you.

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thanks,

I dont think she has been under much stress although she does seem to work a lot. This does not seem to bother her much though or at least, thats how it appears to me

I tried to talk to her and whenver I ask her what is it thats is bothering her , she just replies that she has no idea

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I talked to my parents today and as I expected they were shocked .They said that in a mariage you should not walk out but talk through things. Well I took a bit my wife`s side and told them that if she needs time , let her have it. Deep down I know they are right

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I know this is very difficult for you CM. Hopefully being able to talk to your parents and get some IRL support will help you get through this.

It sounds to me a bit as if your wife is depressed. Not being able to describe her feelings, not knowing what's wrong, needing private space to sort through her feelings sounds as if she might be helped with some counselling. It wouldn't be a bad idea for you to find some professional support as well.

We're all here to talk you through things and give you our thoughts, but we aren't trained professionally. If she won't join you in marriage counselling, perhaps you could both talk to someone individually.

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Well im very scared to go to a counsellor (it was frowned upon here until a few years ago) but i will do it if means we will get better

Now my wife has a very complicated background (broken family, drugs, counsellors and psychiatrists) but I thought all that stuff was over and done with, when she came to live in my country. Maybe she was never actually `healed` and is still very confused in her head.

What im sure is that she still has `voices` in her head sometimes --- im sorry but I dont know what the condition is called

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From here it looks like the condition is called "divorce". I'm sorry to say it, but when a woman leaves, she's gone. (Probably true for men too.) It sounds like she's been wanting to leave for a while but pushed that urge down until she couldn't anymore. Maybe she's not well, maybe all sorts of things are going on here, but what screams at me is that she left and she doesn't want to be with you. I think you should worry about yourself and set the expectation that the end is near. Could you salvage it? Probably, but not if she doesn't want to, and it sounds like she doesn't.

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Marriage trouble again --- will this ever end ?

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