Manipulative people: What do YOU do?

You got lucky I called up somebody on doing that to me and all I got in return for that was the person trying to force me into a guilt trip, complete with crocodile tears. It was a splendid show -and when I said she should try the theatre, the tears suddenly dried up.
It's not always that easy though - and what Phoenix said is dead on. To each his own, but I've found what works for me in dealing with this is manipulate them right back by letting them think it's their idea.

it takes some practice, I tell you - but the phrase "Hmm.you may be right" for some reason, always puts a stump in their twisted little plans. If you know yourself, who cares if they think they have the upper hand? They can't read your mind and know that you know. More than that, just as was mentioned - and they become energy vampires.

*edit to add on a P.S.: knowing you can't change the person who is doing the manipulating - you have the power to change your reaction to it.

Absolutely!

I am in need of some advice about Manipulative people.
This person being my own Mother. 6 years ago I left to another city and
during that time we became close as ever, however the reason I left was
because she was so toxic for me.
I recently decided to move back to my hometown as my parents are not getting
any younger and it was time to come settle in. (i'm 31)

Now that I am back, my mother is more manipulative then ever. Infact so bad,
my brother, her own son won't let his children around her.
she tried manipulating my oldest nephew into going against his dad, her own
son. And she succeeded, he's 10 years old!

My mother makes my decisions for me, I bought a house she picked the house,
I got a job, she cut me down for choosing the one she didn't like, I got a
puppy, she cut me down for getting a pup. When I'm working my mom goes to my
house and hangs out and pretends its her house. She even argues with my neighbors.

Its even worse, but I will spare you the stories. But this one more, that put me over
edge was this morning. Its my fathers birthday and we planned a big get together barbeque,
My mother rudely woke me up and started yelling and saying why didn't you do this, do that,
I mentioned I needed a ride to get the present and she 'sighed' really loudly and said "god
Damnit this woman just can't get her ^&$* together" and said that to my 3 year old nephew.
Told him to come tell me to "smarten up".
I worked hard on this surprise party for my dad, and my mom ruined it all by already
telling him, and saying that it was all her that did it. She didn't.

I am left here in anger, confusion and sadness wondering what to do about her. My brother
won't even come to the birthday party because of her.

Any advice would be nice.

cordially signed,
B

Hi beej.

When you moved back to your hometown, did you make any efforts to set up personal boundaries between your parents and yourself?

How long have you been back in your hometown?

How does your mother get into your house to pretend it's hers?

Hello beej and welcome to a2k

First, change the locks in your house and don't give your mother any keys.
Second, stop going to your mother's house for the time being.
Third, invite your father alone to your house to celebrate his birthday.
Fourth, grow some back bones and don't allow your mother to run your life.

She only can do so because you allow it to happen!

People like this don't mellow as they get older. They get worse. She's not going to change. You have to change.
It may sound tough but CJ said it best. Grow some backbone. Now. Stand up and refuse to be her punching bag or this will go on until the day she dies. And possibly beyond.

three choices: a)refuse to play...refuse to be manipulated. The down side is that this lack of engagement will damage the relationship. B) put distance between you and them..voluntarily depower the relationship. The downside is that same as A. C) Learn about manipulation and the one who is trying to do it to you, and turn the tables by manipulating them. The downside is that you might not like yourself in the morning.

What do I do? All three, depending upon the situation.

I know lots of them, manipulators that is, and I always wonder where do they find the time to think up all that ****. I try to ignore them as well but they are tricky and hard to resist.

Nobody can manipulate us without our permission. Unfortunately, because we are people with ingrained sense of duty, responsibility, and desire to be loved and appreciated, we give that permission all too often.

(I'm using a generic 'we' here of course.)

So we give in to the person who manipulates us with their aches, pains, and other nonspecific complaints. What if they really are sick? How would we feel if we don't pay attention and they really are seriously ill? So we don't take a chance. (And they know we won't.)

And we give in to the person who finds subtle ways to remind us of all they have done for us and what we owe them and/or 'if you really cared you would. . . . .". We really REALLY hate this and resent it highly, but we give in just in case we really are guilty of something or can be made to look like we are. People who know how to push those kinds of buttons can do so with amazing effectiveness.

And we don't say no to the person who knows we won't. Why? We don't want to be selfish or hard hearted or make them think less of us. Or we don't want to be derelict in our duty or admit that we don't want to be responsible for something we think we should be willing to accept responsibility for.

I do think it gets easier to protect ourselves against manipulators as we get older and are perhaps less emotionally vulnerable. It is difficult to take a stand that your know is likely to make somebody mad and/or resentful and/or vengeful. And there is that pesky desire to be loved and/or considered a wonderful person.

But sometimes it just isn't worth it for our own peace of mind and well being. I think we all eventually know when that time comes. And then we don't give permission to them to manipulate us any more.

My former MIL was a master manipulator but then, so was my mother, and I refuse to be manipulated. Here's one example of how she (well, the whole family is like this) operates:

One year his family got together at his sister's house (everyone lives in different provinces) and they decided to go a movie. I don't do movies, so I offered to babysit. No, they already arranged for a sitter. I said that I'd keep her company. No, they wanted me to go. I said I don't like movies and wasn't interested. Come on, we're all going. No, I'm staying home, but thanks for the invite. This went on for about 20 minutes. In the end, they couldn't budge me and so nobody went. I was shaking my head - why not go and leave me behind? - it was my choice. My MIL commented on that for months after - how I prevented them from seeing that movie together. Strange.

I married my husband a year ago. his brother (my new brother in law- let's call him "J") is a sweet guy, but also can be extremely manipulative. and of course, he makes everyone feel guilty if they dont go along with him. so "J" suddenly fell in love with a girl and got married within our first year of marriage. his girl is pretty much a girl version of him. so that means, she also is sweet on the surface, but her cattiness and ego have definitely been made apparent to me. my genuinely sweet husband does not see it most of the time. he has not heard all of the rude things she has said to me and he grew up with "J", and pretty much has been used by him all his life. my husband just goes with whatever his brother "suggests" (which if we dont agree with J's "suggestion" he acts very hurt and completely shocked, therefore everyone ends up giving in anyway). but now my new sister in law, "Mrs. J", is manipulative, prideful and completely disrespectful of anyone but herself. so when family comes into town, my husband and i are always very generous: the visitors stay with us in our tiny one bedroom apartment, we have everyone over for various meals, and all family hang out time. we have never once been invited to the Mr. and Mrs. J's. yet they feel no problem at all with inviting themselves over to our apartment when family is there, (and this would be ok), but they also just use and mistreat whatever they want in our apartment. jumping on our couch, lounging across sofa chair arms, fitting two people in a one person chair, playing with things with their feet, helping themselves to whatever food they can find. of course i get upset, and cringe with every disrespectful thing they do. but my husband and his family (if they see a problem with any of this) dont do a thing, and just ignore it. i end up being the bad guy when i give any idea that i dont approve. my mother in law (J's mom) acts shocked and acts like she disapproves of ME! i talk to my husband about it later, and he tells me i'm the one who has to change my attitude. well i just dont understand it. do i need to change? am i wrong in thinking that the completely self-centered people should be the ones who need to change? how do i deal with these people? i HAVE to see them often, and will have to live with them when we visit my in laws at christmas. i love my husband, love his parents most of the time, and have been trying but am just getting sick of it. anyone else have problems like this?

I agree. My husband and I have been dealing with his manipulative brother for quite some time now. On Christmas he pulled his same old crap causing tension for my husband and I, so we finally told him we want a break from him. His manipulative and controlling behaviors have caused trouble in our marriage and we have found that we must distance ourselves from him. He admits to these manipulative behaviors, but does not change because there has never been a consequence up until now.

AGREED. That 's the best advice.

i've been living with it for the past 30yrs , at first i chose to ignore it even though people were warning me about a certain family member. i guess i did not want to believe someone so close could want to intentionally hurt me. but i cant be ignorant any longer but the problem with trying to confront this person only encourages her to do it more. its like she feeds of that anger so i cant get caught in her game but it is very hard to ignore it any longer.it a struggle for me every day and even causes me depression because i love her. and she is the only one i have left. but she puts on a act even to the point of crocodile tears especially when people are around and makes me look like the heartless one

Some people act like a child who is not getting enough attention, so they push and push and push until there is a blow-up - which is attention, even if it's negative.

Refuse to get caught up in the arguing and the "baiting." Just learning what she is doing is half the battle. You can leave the room when she starts her tirade.

Most passive/aggressive people can't stand being ignored. You need to learn how to DETACH from her antics. Before she kills you - and I mean it.

Living with this kind of person can kill us emotionally and spiritually. And if YOU left, she'd move on to another person.

My answer has always been to 'step between the trap'....not into, but between...because most traps are double edged but leave a small path through the middle.

Manipulation often involves either getting what they want in a sneaky way, or wanting to ilicit a strong negative emotion from you. The latter is the easiest to see, for they are usually after you feeling bad about something, but realise that the next best thing for them, is for you to get mad/angry at them...which they will still consider a win for themselves, because with your 'bad behaviour' they can then justify their behaviour.

Avoiding the first manipulation, where they want you to do something is easier, if you know what you want, and are true to yourself. Manipulation usually makes use of peoples weaknesses.

for me manipulation requires conscious choice on the part of the manipulator. A lot of people do what you outline with out realizing it, they need connection and if they can not get positive connection then they try to get negative connection. Once the bond has been proven they calm down. What you put down as manipulation is often a cry for connection, and not answering the call has extremely negative results upon the relationship.

Actually I truly believe all human beings attempt to control and manipulate and it's a natural behavior. I grew up with a mother who constantly complained, which had me convinced she sought sympathy. My sister got pregnant in high school just to get out of the house. I married a woman who used deceit and deception to get her way all the time. One of my daughters went through husbands like she was still playing with her dolls yet. To me the main problem is not understanding control and manipulation in dealing with it.

For my own understanding the saying, "It takes a woman to make a man," comes to mind. In my own marriage all I could do is protect and defend myself from the control and manipulation. I watched a couple shows about successful marriages. They were married to best friends and they gave up control. That to me brought a lot of insight as I questioned what does it take for people to give up control which fits in with manipulation to me. I felt it took earning trust and respect, which I think it takes in being best friends also.

In my own relationships with females such as marriage, I think control and manipulation is a gift given to women as I always felt my wife could do ten times better at making things happen than I could. Yet if any person enables another to control and manipulate them they deny the the one doing that anything to trust and respect about them. So in my case instead of entering a relationship with strength, weakness was offered. Sort of like two wrongs don't make a right. It takes the earning of female's trust and respect to let them feel secure, which is the only way I could ever see a male becoming a man. Maybe other males found a different way but I sure didn't.

I know that I was controlling and manipulating in my business and it actually took looking at how I felt being controlled and manipulated in relationships to stop that. I figure that all I could do was protect and defend myself so I was putting those I did work for the same thing. That sure cured me of ignoring my own behavior in this department.

My outlook now about this subject is something like being offered a meal and then being asked if I liked it. If I liked it fine but if I didn't, I best speak up with the truth about what I thought about it or I'll only enable being offered the same meal again and again. It goes along with 'love' is letting go of fear. Don't we have to let go of our own personal fears to 'love' ourselves enough not to enable others to manipulate us?

intimate relationships at their best part cooperative and part combative, manipulation is part of the combat. What is required is a rough equality, so that neither gets run over. This often requires that the stronger pull back.

What we often see now is women running over their men. This leaves them both dissatisfied.

We also see a lot of these no passion all cooperation relationships. They normally either end rather quickly or are so low powered as to be nearly useless.

horseshit.

Not everyone is into manipulation.