Wife's not in love anymore

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My wife and I have been married for 21 years. We have 5 children. For the most part our relationship had always been what I would call normal with occasional spats over money. One day, about a year ago, during an argument she asked me for a divorce...totally out of the blue. That was the first time the 'D" word had ever been used. When we were married we made a vowel that divorce was not an option unless one of us had an affair. I am totally in love with my wife and this hit me like a ton of bricks. She started to spell out all the ways I had not been a good husband or father over the years. I never so much as even looked at another woman and I felt I was a good father considering my work schedule didn't allow me to be at home nights and weekends.
Then the real shocker came, she told me that she did not nor had ever loved me...not in that romantic heart shaped way. She said that she wanted to cancel the wedding at the last minute, but her parents talked her out of it. I approached her mother and found out that her first love "Bob" was the true love of her life and he is the only one she will ever love in that way. I confronted her and she confessed this to me. So, I started checking the cell phone record to fine over a hundred calls to Bob on the past few months. Bob has been married three times and is currently married and still lives in their home town over 200 miles away. I installed a keystroke logger on our computer and discovered she e-mails him daily and confesses her love for him and wants him to divorce his current wife to be with her again. I confronted Bob and he assured me that he has no interest in her and is happily married. Bob says he returns her e-mails only as a friend and tells her to try to make a happy life with me. I believe him.
My wife is a Jr. in college and has told Bob in one of her e-mails that she wants to graduate then divorce me. She tells me this is not the case. Now that she knows I know all about her and Bob she claims she will never divorce me because of the children and she loves me, just not in the way I want her to....not that romantic kind of love. Our relationship has really gone south with lots of tension lately. I press her to try to get answers and she gets all mad and when I back off she's fine, but I want answers. We went to counseling to no avail.
Is she committing adulrty even though there has been no affair? (that I know of) Will she divorce me after she graduates and can support herself? Should I divorce her? I'm broken hearted to find out that my wife lied to me for over 20 years. She thinks I should just go on as if nothing is wrong and we'll just live together, raise the kids, and see what happens in the future. I'm not sure I want to stay in a marriage where only one is in love, but I don't think I could live without her.

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Rham--

Welcome to A2K.

You wrote:

Quote:

She thinks I should just go on as if nothing is wrong and we'll just live together, raise the kids, and see what happens in the future. I'm not sure I want to stay in a marriage where only one is in love, but I don't think I could live without her.

In other words, her actions shouldn't change your feelings?

Whatever happens remember you are entitled to have feelings and reactions and resentments.

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Quote:

Is she committing adulrty even though there has been no affair? (that I know of) Will she divorce me after she graduates and can support herself? Should I divorce her? I'm broken hearted to find out that my wife lied to me for over 20 years. She thinks I should just go on as if nothing is wrong and we'll just live together, raise the kids, and see what happens in the future. I'm not sure I want to stay in a marriage where only one is in love, but I don't think I could live without her.

I agree with you rham. Your wife lost your trust and rightfully
so - she betrayed and lied to you. My feeling is that Bob
got cold feet when he found out that the love of his life has
5 children, and I am sure he's not prepared to tackle this
one. Your wife in turn, has the same thoughts - her financial
situation would change drastically if you were to divorce.
Thus her offer to stay together until the kids are out of the
house, and see what the future will bring.

You have to decide for yourself if you trust her enough
to believe that she is not taking you for a ride.

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Why are you using a keystroke logger on her computer?

"Although keylogger programs are promoted for benign purposes like allowing parents to monitor their children's whereabouts on the Internet, most privacy advocates agree that the potential for abuse is so great that legislation should be enacted to clearly make the unauthorized use of keyloggers a criminal offense. "

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Well, she certainly is having an affair of the heart. Only you know whether or not her infatuation qualifies as an infidelity to your marriage.

How old are your children? How many more years until she graduates (is she full-time or part-time)? It's possible she wants to stay in the marriage while she finishes her degree and will then ask for a divorce. It's also possible she will wait until the youngest child has moved out, but it does sound as if you might be her meal ticket.

I'm curious, why do you believe Bob and not your wife?

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Yes, I was wondering what makes Bob so trustworthy as well J_B.

Added up with the fact that you monitor her email, check her phone bills, it doesn't sound like you would believe her regardless.

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IMHO, if you choose to stay in this marriage but cannot persuade yourself to trust her again, you'll put yourself in suffering.

Hope you can try to forgive her and move on, if you think you don't know how to live without her.

good luck, rham.

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rham,
I'm sorry. What an incredible amount of pain you must have experienced in this last year, and so many emotions.

If I were in your situation, I would be absolutely furious. Obviously, you have a lot invested in this relationship. More than I can even comprehend right now.

From my position, it seems as though you being around your wife for this past year would be torture for you. Unnecessary torture.I know there are a lot of things to consider (the life you have built together, your kids, finances, etc.). Still; being around the woman who has devasted you seems unhealthy.
You are now 'spying' on her via computer and checking her phone conversations. I'm sure you would not normally do things like that. You are now changing as a person in a negative way because of her choices.

You could live without her. Not what you want to hear or contemplate, but it is a fact. You are fully capable of living a life without her as your spouse.

I'm sending you positive thoughts. There are people here that are definetly more qualified than me to being giving advice! I'm just offering another 2 cents

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Sorry I left out some details. My youngest child is 10. and my wife will graduate in spring 07. I believe Bob because he has so much to lose and I think I put the fear of God in him. He also has stopped responding to her e-mails or taking her calls from what I gather. And for those of you who think that checking her phone records and her e-mails is wrong all I have to say is walk a mile in my shoes, you would want to know too.

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Rham--

Ordinarily I'm all for privacy in a marriage. Your wife used her sacred privacy to betray you and under the guise of being honest was downright bitchy.

Your wife chose to explain to you that she had never "loved you romantically" and that she wanted a divorce, although you had agreed that only adultery would be grounds for divorce.

I can see that you were floundering and needed information to make decisions. The fact that your mother-in-law chose to tell you about your wife's long-standing passion for Bob indicates that your mother-in-law's sympathies are not completely with her daughter.

Have you considered counseling? Ordinarily I'd recommend marital counseling, but you've received several deep, slashing shocks from a woman you trusted . I think you might seek individual counseling first. to come to grips with the fact that your wife has been lying to you for years.

Your wife's timetable seems more concerned with her academic schedule rather than the needs of the children. Obviously the children are very important here.

Good luck.

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rham797 wrote:

Sorry I left out some details. My youngest child is 10. and my wife will graduate in spring 07. I believe Bob because he has so much to lose and I think I put the fear of God in him. He also has stopped responding to her e-mails or taking her calls from what I gather. And for those of you who think that checking her phone records and her e-mails is wrong all I have to say is walk a mile in my shoes, you would want to know too.

rham,

What can I say man, the betrayal of trust is the one deadly sin of marriage. I've been there, and I can sympathize with you. The bottom really falls out of your world and you're left spinning.

Noddy24 brings up a good idea. My wife and I are still together, despite her unfaithfulness. And we've never been happier. There were things I did to drive her away, there were things she did to head away, but the bottom line is we both still loved each other and were able to, through counseling and alot of talking, come to terms with what happened and move on into a new chapter of our lives.

However, what you need to seriously be searching for is your wife's true feelings towards you. When she said she'd never loved you, was she saying it out of anger and resentment, or did was it spoken matter-of-factly? Either way, I would strongly urge you both to go to counciling. If she refuses to take steps to rebuild your marriage then I would swallow the pain (which is very hard, I know), call your lawyer and get things rolling. Staying together for the children is all well and good, but in a situation where both parents are nearly hostile to one another the children won't be benefitting at all.

Seek counseling, if she won't go with you then strap on your boots and soldier on. And you have my most profound sympathy and respect.

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Rham,

I can't imagine how terrible that feels. I don't think you were out of line at all to spy on her...privacy is important, but I dont think privacy should cause you to have to make decisions that could drastically affect the lives of multiple people including your children in an uninformed way.

I think theres only one thing you can do, and that's grant her request of a divorce..whether or not she wants it, because I cant see how any more good could possibly come out of staying with her. I just cant see it.

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I can imagine how terrible this feels.

I also have confronted many posters re invasion of personal privacy. I'll be lax on that here.

I don't think much of staying together in your case, but we all need to weigh things in our own ways.

I am bouncing various pros and cons ..

after many starts on a response here, I come down to two pieces of advice -
Spend the dollars for an initial visit with a good lawyer in the divorce field - not a shyster but not the patent attorney friend of a friend. An initial visit may or may not cost an arm and a leg but it will be worth the hour. Not necessarily to divorce, but to arm yourself with information.

Go to counselling yourself. Loss of love and understanding of years of love over a long time is a big deal to absorb. You need someone to talk to, a counsellor, and maybe others going through similar things in a group counselling setting.

On love, my idea of love is less romantic than many on a2k. I think of love as a product that keeps happening after an initial spark, however magnificent or tiny that initial spark is.
Love is productive of itself.

Its absence over time is hard to regenerate, although sometimes possible. Sometimes it comes back and then goes away more finally.

The children matter, but you know that. I am not sure myself whether they push staying or going in one direction or another. My parents barely talked through my teens and I have no doubt that affected me negatively.

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Quote:

The children matter, but you know that. I am not sure myself whether they push staying or going in one direction or another. My parents barely talked through my teens and I have no doubt that affected me negatively.

Well, my parents got divorced when I was 4, and that affected me negatively...but I can't fathom how much more messed up I'd be if they had stayed together!

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Damn man, thats rough. Firstly, tell anyone who gives you beef about the "keystroke logger" to piss off. You have every right to investigate the situation under the right circumstances (of which this is one).

Anyway, the situation looks bad and (unfortunately) it only looks like its going to get worse. As much as you don't want to hear it, I would even consider getting a private investigator if things really start to get fishy and preparing your situation (financial and otherwise) for a divorce. There are plenty of websites you can find to help out with that if you look in the right places.

It doesn't seem like there's going to be a happy ending to this one unless she's willing to put in the work to make things right. Neither of you are "spring chickens" (unless you married really young), and its going to be tricky to find a new mate and get back out in the field. Not to mention the harm to the kids.

Still, I wouldn't start looking for another woman or start an affair if I were you, that's just going to throw fuel on the fire and make things worse. Good luck.

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That really is a rotten turn of events. I can't say I have any answers but I do have questions: do you love her enough to let her go? Not that she's deserving of the consideration but if you're not the love of her life perhaps she should be let go to go find it. Have you envisioned not living with her? What would your piece of mind be like not having to check up on her? Are the difficulties between the two of you spilling over onto the kids?

There was a post a long time ago on another site where a gentleman had been married for close to thirty years when his wife asked for a divorce and he was just devastated. I'm still not sure how he did it but ended up granting the divorce and he and his ex continued to be very good friends stating, basically, the previous thirty years had been a "good run". I've always held that concept of the "good run" close since I came across that post, it helps put things in perspective. I wish I had more to offer... good luck.

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Rham, you've gotten some excellent feedback from a number of posters. All I will add is having walked a mile in your shoes, as you said, I don't at all blame you for whatever invasion of privacy you felt you needed to do

I particularly liked this thought from Questioner:

Quote:

My wife and I are still together, despite her unfaithfulness. And we've never been happier. There were things I did to drive her away, there were things she did to head away, but the bottom line is we both still loved each other and were able to, through counseling and alot of talking, come to terms with what happened and move on into a new chapter of our lives.

I too found myself in a situation a while back where I discovered what I thought was complete trust in Mr B was perceived by him as being taking for granted. We had stopped paying attention to each other and meeting each other's needs. We worked through the issues and, like Questioner, have never been happier.

You're in a tough hole. It's possible to work through these issues but if your wife truly never loved you in an emotional heart way, then she probably never will.

Best of luck to you, Rham.

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You build a good relationship one day at a time.

For a relationship to be satisfying, both people in the relationship have to meet each other's most important emotional needs, e.g., attention, affection, conversation, admiration, etc. When that fails to happen on a consistent basis, the relationship becomes more of a burden than a blessing. In a neglected marriage, the love withers and people start looking outside the marriage for the fulfillment of their emotional needs.

Check out the marriage builders website:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

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Rham, i understand that your wife's friend "Bob" has not been reciprocating her love - but she has held him in her heart for over 20 years - clinging onto something she will never get. (You mentioned that Bob had asked her to try and be happy with you). Does your wife suffer from depression? She sounds like she is depressed.

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Wife's not in love anymore

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