Death Diary - Endymion

Has anyone got a ghosty story for the campfire tonight?

http://able2know.org/topic/18557-12#post-3456413

Forgiven


I gave up smoking during the third week of August (08) and since then, boy oh boy - no sleep. (Well, not much). As i write this, i have been awake for more hours than i can work out -
The strong urges i get to smoke, pass; but the urge to keep myself awake doesn't.
As much as i desire a smoke, i don't want one - if you can appreciate what I'm saying - but coffee i do want - and lots of it.
Loud music, distraction, fresh-air, exercise, food, everything that isn't sleep. Even when i notice my hands trembling, or when i start to think crazy thoughts, even then, i can't go to my bed.
I sit down for a bit and maybe trance out for a while, but i am still essentially alert.

I'll do anything not to stop. Writing this is a part of that distraction.
There are swarms in my head, which i drown within music - stuff that needs thrashing out, it's true - but right now i can't hardly think, let alone write or even type.
I have to keep going back and correcting every other word, it's like my mind is ahead of my physical being. But ahead where? Ahead down a dark street - where shadows lurk? Ahead on a thin sheet of ice?

Time is electric, my nerves jump around its freakish beat. It keeps up with me, but only just. In a way i like being here - maybe i'm addicted to it.
Not just coffee - caffeine, but exhaustion, i mean.
Nothing would surprise me.

At times like these, it feels as if existence itself is made only of the barest reality and if one were to keep pushing against it, eventually it would start to rip apart... eventually, it would fail to hold together and life would drop, disappearing into a void.
Hell, at times like these, the void itself feels like the home never had; lost love; total understanding.... God.
Even insanity can seem reasonable, while sanity drifts beyond reasoning.

But for sleep.... oh yes, Shakespeare knew. He knew insomnia. As well as i do not know literature. He knew the habits and failings of men. And what they hid in their hearts. Perhaps i am saving up my sleep. For that delicious moment, when all is forgiven.



Endymion 2008

er ... I don't suppose it's all that coffee that's keeping you awake, Endy?
Do you like tea? Maybe substitute some of the coffee for tea, especially into the evening, well before going to bed.
Congratulations on giving up smoking! That is not an easy thing to do. (I know!) I'm very impressed. You're a star!

I had to give up excessve drinking as well as smoking. I understand the tortures one must endure. In the end, you are on a better tack. I hope all works out for you.

Thank you both, Olga and Edgar. - YOU are the true stars, you know.
I'm glad you are out there.

Talking of stars, here - this is for both of you.. some of the audio doesn't work all the time, (if that happens go back later, it's just busy) but even if you get to hear the tiniest bit... i don't know - for some reason it really chilled me out - like listening to whales, only...well.... far out.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/7687286.stm



It reminded me that although we are from different parts of the globe, we share the same stars
Hey - I don't mean to get soppy about stuff - (must be a lack of nicotine/caffeine/alcohol !!!) - but I want to tell you both - i feel very lucky to know you.

Regards
Endy

Thank you, Endy. I'm very touched. I want you to know I feel very lucky to know you, too.











... Especially because you're going to be a famous poet! Hey, we A2K folk will be able to declare that we knew you well before that!

Thanks to you, for reading - it means a great deal

bored

Dragon Mother
*********************************



Yesterday lost sight of the road
Stumbled unknowing into the confused
cave of bad beginnings
Where no end-lessons ran,
but flights of birds, uncanny; stirred
in their bright normality.
The dragon curled below, obscene,
with razor tail, obnoxious, preened
Bled winter by insanity
I am humbled by the faces of her
Born of her vast winged stealth
Her dread gaze
that buries blades into my eyes
while igniting freedom
What sonnet can she sing for me?
She, of the fantastic races
who once cradled my imagination
before abandoning intrigue
Look, but how she guards the choice
with grimmest smile
of fangs racked bloodless
Claws gather greed to milk-less breasts
The echo of her laugh bares savage tenderness
Buried selfish
below the thickening earth
Where none stir but the worm
I am cursed
Left skinned by her lost memory
Her scaled allegiance
Her cruel transparency
Yet, i am hers
Undone by flesh smitten and absurd
Trapped in her deferred reality
where she feeds on me
Cracking bones of marrow, strength
drained by her false love
The worm in turn, turns at her feet
As screaming birds scatter
seeds of choking weeds above
Her yellow eyes hold no surprise
She is mine
My making... hers
In time, my words reverse the terms
Born of her lust, I am forever lost
The son of dust, unheard




Endymion 2008

0
that's nothing
zero
3 for naught
hundreds for nothing
much ado
zip

http://able2know.org/topic/125075-5#post-3467983


http://able2know.org/topic/123317-2#post-3468007

true poetry there David. Obviously, it makes you worthy.

Well that's fine with me. I've had enough anyway

and it's the right day for it

let me make the world beautiful

i don't want forgiving but still - my sincere apology for saying the above. If i decided to 'make the world beautiful' it wouldn't have anything to do with David or anyone else on here.
I was out of my head when wrote that **** and i shan't be letting anything like it happen again. (I tried to take it back but it was too late)
Time for me to say good bye - i should have done so a long time ago, but couldn't manage to. Now i've given myself a good reason.

endy

Hey Endy....

d'ye wanna talk? Don't go away... please don't be so hard on yourself. I hope you come back. I often read your posts - you are part of this community. Hope to see you back soon.

Izzie x

I step back a lot, Endy, no worries.

Come back when it works for you, and bring a poem...

RH

Endy -
Don't let a thing like this bother you. I have said a lot worse on here and survived. The good, positive posts from you far outweigh a couple you could regret. It's all a part of growing. Heck, at 66, I'm still growing.

My own way to handle that sort of thing turned out to be the ignore function. It worked so well to ignore one person, I ended up ignoring 21.

21, eh?

hey edgar - what can I say? I truly appreciate your support

November has always been a difficult time for me. Another year, another 'B'-day " (and like, said with a French accent- ha ha)

" It always messes up my head.
No excuse, I know


Hope life is treating you well (great turkey btw "now there's one that didn't earn his wings, ha ha " hope you had a good holiday).
e



***********************************************************************

Rock Head

You were right " about the poetry.
As always when I f...-up, it's been mad, but cr eative

Hey, thanks for your encouraging message
Peace
e

************************************************************************

Izzie - I had no idea you read any of my stuff " thank you.

Actually, I'm glad to be given this chance to speak to you.
You may be surprised to know that I read something YOU wrote a while back and I was going to post and tell you - how I'd been feeling really crap and what you wrote helped me - but you were talking to Bill about your son and I didn't really know what to say
In the end I didn't say anything (which is typical of me).

Anyway, about your post
I have to say something now, finding you here.

(hope you don't mind if I link it)
http://able2know.org/topic/110211-60#post-3440139

This post really touched me and made me feel more human than i have for some time. Yet, I was equally struck by your actual writing style, which is IMO, very good. I think it has the potential to be something special.
I know your post was written from the heart, unconsciously, without any ego (or bitterness) to impede it " wow, I envy the freedom of that.

I hope you continue to write about your situation, because I really think it could be of benefit to many, all round.
Hopefully " mostly to you.

I know things have been tough recently.
I hope they are a bit better today for all of you

Thanks for posting : )
Endy


****************************************************************

thanks if you e-mailed and sorry if I haven't responded properly yet. I've really been off line " off computer for a while.
I just felt I should stay away.


back soon
e

right now i'm ploughing through this thread un-folding all the posts i collapsed - i'm only on page 11 and i've the revo thread to do yet - warning - do not collapse threads you might regret losing - its a bitch to get them back up again.
Still seeing those As in boxes - but its been good to read back over some of my old work
there are a lot of people i miss
guess in a lot of ways i fucked up

i'm working on that

How good to see you back Endy. So very pleased.

You are part of our community here - so happy to see you here. x

(thanku...)

Hi, endy.
There is a thread called Joe Nation's Seasonal Stories. Joe has invited the rest of us to contribute material. Please look in. If you do seasonal writing, perhaps you would like to join in. My tale is still being given a going over, but I hope to have it up in a week's time.
http://able2know.org/topic/64585-1