Men & Women

God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before you create a masterpiece.
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My boyfriend said that for his physical, the doctor needed a urine specimen, a stool sample, and a semen specimen. I told him, "Just give them your underwear."
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Man is the king of his castle A king is a ruler A ruler is 12 inches Still think you're a man?
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There are three things a man over 40 should never forget: Never pass up the opportunity to take a leak. Never trust a fart. Never take a hard-on for granted.
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Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say and everything they do.
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From James Lileks' "Notes of a Nervous Man": Wieners come in packs of ten, buns in packs of eight, beer in packs of six, presliced bologna comes in packs of sixteen slices, condoms come in packs of 3. Why can't they get it straight? Man needs a calculator just to have a weekend.
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Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?
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Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
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A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity. That's why he dates someone half his age.
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Men And Automobiles Man is like an automobile. As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top. The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery need constant recharging. But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows. Gentlemen, start your engines.
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Seems my latest Freudian slip came just as my wife arrived back from a week-long business trip in Toronto. As she grabbed her luggage and headed off, she asked, "Did you miss me?" I replied quite innocently, "It's been so hard without you."
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There is no fairness between the way the world considers men and women. When he comes into the world, all ask, "And how is the mother getting along?" When he gets married, the only things you hear is, "What a lovely bride." And when he kicks the bucket, what do people say? "How much did he leave her?"
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Ever notice how so many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender? MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal breakdown, GUYnecology...
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Why don't men get hemorrhoids? Because they are all perfect as*h*les.
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What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
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What is the best way to get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
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How do men exercise at the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
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Why do women like BMWs? They can spell it.
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How do men define a "50/50" relationship? Women cook, men eat; women clean, men get dirty; women iron, men wrinkle.
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What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes.
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What happens when a man tries to hide his baldness by combing his hair across his head? The truth comes shining through.
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A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item she doesn't want. - William Binger
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Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs
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A woman needs only four animals in her life: a mink on her back, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.
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I don't think the leading feminist realized what she was saying when she told a reporter, "As long as women are split like we are, men will remain on top."
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There are ten very important men in a woman's life. They are: Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off." Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide." Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?" Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?" Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?" Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in." Her Hunter; he goes deep into the bush, shoots several times, and always eats what he shoots. Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering." Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?" Her Banker; he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
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