Exgirlfriend's picture living room @ In-Laws!

Hey.

Did you know about this lady and child when you were dating your hubby?
What exactly is his involvement in that child's life?

Just want to have the details first:)

Lindsay--

Welcome to A2K.

Your husband sired the little girl. You knew this before you married him.
The little girl exists even if her parents were ships passing in the night.

Your in-laws accept this child. The child's mother doesn't control them; your husband doesn't control them; you don't control them. They make their own decisions and one of those decisions is that they have a much loved granddaughter.

You and your husband and your son have your own place in the family photograph display.

You married your husband, past and all. His daughter is entitled to both a paternal and maternal family.

Why are you so insecure about your in-laws having another grandchild? What does their love for this child take away from you?

Everyone has wacky in-laws--or they come from inbred families which are downright wacko. If adoring a granddaughter is the only fault you can find with your husband's parents, consider yourself very lucky.

By the by, would you want your son's future wife to feel free to criticize your display of photographs? Would you want your husband to feel free to criticize the fact that your parents choose to love certain people?

Thanks
I might have written my views incorrectly...Sorry. I think the little girl is adorable.

Lindsay--

You are not going to change your M-i-l's quirks or her photo gallery or her relationships with the mothers of her grandchildren.

The present situation may not be natural or comfortable but the present situation is what exists.

I know what you're saying

Some people might say you're paranoid, but I think you are just being observant....

People do weird stuff like that all the time, in such a way that if you complain about it, they can pretend that they don't know what you're talking about

2 questions, how do you and your inlaws get along otherwise?
Have you ever asked her "why do you keep that photo there, instead of......?
Two can play that game, if she comes back all defensive, well, you know for sure she meant something by it, but can tell her you were JUST asking.

there's the small chance it is innocent....if it is, she'll move the picture.

This chick with the baby, sounds like she's more impressed with herself that the baby, hence the bigger picture with her in it.

I had a realitive send me (supposedly) crystal glasses once. packed in a large box, but the glasses where down on the bottom and shoved in the corner of the box, with all the padding filling the rest of the box.

Of course the glass was all broken since it was unprotected. I mean, it was SO obvious.

Later this person made a point of asking how I liked the glasses, at first I was noncommittal since I wanted to be polite, but she kept pressing it, much more than someone who had packed them properly.

I realized the game then, and said, they were all broken since you packed them with no cushioning around them, and put them at the bottom the the box and way on one side, of course they broke. Then I asked her if she had gotten insurance on the "crystal" She then let me know they weren't crystal (I already knew that from looking at the broken glass, looked like a K-mart blue light special)
She never brought it up again. I had made my point.

If you don't want to address it, I can see the wisdom in that too.
Just ignore the pictures, and never bring them up.

If she tries to engage you in conversation about this years picture, you can just be vague, saying "hmmmm, and giving a small smile" and move on to the next topic.

don't let it get between you and your husband, don't make it that important.

I have the opposite take. Perhaps the bigger picture had a bigger image of the baby. The mother is proud of the baby and wants to share the photos she has. The mother in law may have simply stacked related photos together and not meant the group together to be taken to mean more than any photos with your present immediate family.

Has your husband been paying child support all this time?

It seems reasonable to me that the mother would want the daughter to have the chance of future contact with the father, and a call once in a while doesn't automatically seem like she is trying to get your husband back for herself - although it may, I just don't take that as automatic. She has a fiancee, as you say.

ossobuco
No, you have it wrong. It was the SAME studio shot. A TINY PHOTO of the girl on top of a block that says 5 (5 years old). It was cute. This is the Sears photo where you buy 50 photos for $24.99. Then, the SAME photo session with her (the ex) in the photo. EVERY YEAR, not just this year, she sends HER PICTURE and the little girl together enlarged, instead the other way around --GET IT.

Please don't yell at me with capital letters.

Is the photo of the baby bigger in the big picture or not?

You may be right that the ex with the daughter (your stepdaughter) has still been interested in your husband. On the other hand, he is your husband. Your emphasis on these other women not being around in photo or in person appears pretty insecure. Why the mother of the sons (your stepsons) should leave on that visit to your husband's parents is unclear to me.

You are in an extended family here, and apt to be in it for quite a while. The others don't seem to have a clue about the territorial lines you are drawing re family seeing each other or why they should follow them.

My comment would be to suggest you enjoy your husband and daughter, be happy, and don't worry so much about these things.

Lindsay...I know its frustrating to have to deal with them. But just hang in there. Some of us are just cursed with inlaws from hell and theres not much we can do about it, but grin and bare it.

I had one of thos M-I-L's, she was a real pain in my ass. She went out of her way to make me miserable in anyway, shape or form that she could. I was never good enough for her son, wasn't a good mother, a good person, she spread lies about me, mistreated me in front of her son..who sat there and never said anything. (Some want, its THEIR MOTHER)

Then one day, while I was in school for cosmotology, a very infantile friend decided she'd start a nasty rumor about me and another girl at school. This so called friend even worked with me at my cafe...which led her to spread those rumor there...where they come in contact with the nasty M-I-L...who decided that she'd start checking up on me at school, to see if I was there. (She just knew I was cheating)

Being who I am...I just agged her on. I hid my car behind the school so she couldn't see it..if she come in, I told them to tell her that I had gone to lunch a couple of hours ago. I had the girls answering the phone...ask who it was? And tell her that I wasn't at school that day. I gave HER something to talk about. Boy, did I!

It made her miserable. She was more concerned with catching me having an affair, then to take care of her own business. End results? It drove her crazy cause she couldn't catch me. I was getting the rise out of her...and I was getting to have a good time playing her game...making her think I was anyways. Why not...she wanted to believe it. I was such a horrible person and mother.

I'm not telling you to take drastic measures. But she probably knows she's getting a rise out of you and that probably thrills her. It thrilled my mother in law to death if she knew she had pissed me off.

When I quit letting her bother me....and get that rise out of me. She stopped. That irritated her more.......

So the next time your over there...make mention of that picture...tell her you think she was a pretty women. Lie...it don't matter. Talk about the ex...make comments about how nice of a woman she is? Talk about the boys and how you'd like to have them for awhile....just anything to make her have to think about what it is you've said.

She knows it bothers you....GET IT?
Bother her by not letting it get to you....

Let me do some rephrasing here:



This friend and I left one day from school, with the ok from our instructor, to more or less take the day off and have some fun. WE had been worked to death for the past couple of weeks with clients and were getting pissy with people, due to the lack of help. WE didn't take that so called infantile friend with us, due to the fact that we didn't want her to go...and due to the fact that the instructor didn't want everyone to know where we had went...cause she excused us that day and told them we had went on school business. And....it pissed off the infantile friend.



I was on break...and sitting on the smoke porch and witnessed her driving by..slowly, breaking her neck to see if my car was parked outside. And I had seen her drive through the parking lot. AND....she had even come in the school, while I was out on lunch and asked for me. This was after the rumors were started. Not to count, she was calling, then hanging up...she forgot about caller ID and *69.



Let me say...I kept my mouth shut for years. I finally decided to turn it around on her without having to say much at all. Thus, deciding to give her something to talk about. She so wanted it to be true...why not let her think it. ( I knew I'd get her goat that way..and I was right, she went days without being able to look or talk to me..how peaceful was that?)

Oh, I didn't mean that with the Cap letters. Sorry
I'm not used to the computer typing stuff. Sorry. No, I just think it's impolite. The ex wife has her parents nearby.

The picture
The wallet size photo of the girl alone , comes with an 8X10, 5X7's, etc. They give you a TON of photos for $24.99.

Hmmm.

I admire your husband's parents for maintaining contact with their grandchildren when it is so clear that your husband couldn't care less about these kids. Maybe they're hard on you because they think you're next in line. Someday these people may end up being your allies.

"She's fat, she's ugly, she's nasty."

You're childish and insecure beyond belief.

I may have been childish myself with my statement.

I just felt as though maybe her M-I-L was a bit like mine.

The more she assumed that something would bother me...which did, she would run with it, to aggaravate me even more.

So, when I found her going in that direction, instead of being all pissed off and sulled up.

I would just follow her with the conversation, agree with her and go on about my business.

She eventually stopped.

Which is what I was suggesting to Lindsay.

Instead of letting her M-I-L's actions bother her, go in the opposite direction of which her M-I-L expects her to go. Be agreeable, be inquisitive, smile through gritted teeth.

And she will stop.

BUT, I do have one question? Is it in her nature to be this way, or is she naturally just friendly and lovable to everyone?

I'm sorry, mms, I regard you well, as you know, but disagree on this. Game routines aren't useful for anybody, with the possible exception of theater. Represent yourself well and straightforwardly, I say (if you can figure approximately what you think), sometimes preferably done lightly and with wit. Since most of us can't gather lightness and wit when we need them, then just mild but firm straightforward gets you there faster than games ever will.

I appreciate that Osso...

And not trying to highjack Lindsay's thread...either.

But with my M-I-L, it was the only resource I had for an option.

If I were to be straightfoward and blunt, which I had been many times, she would pull this Red Fox Routine and have to have a nitro-glycerin pill, the whole family would sit vigil with her for hours to make sure that she weathered the storm, which in return made me the bigger bitch...AGAIN.

I just got so tired of her games...so I played with her. It bought me some peace to some extent....

Mms--

Karma.

Spanish Proverb: Take what you want," says God. "Then pay."

Your course of action might not have been spiritually pure, but I bet it was fun.

Karma.

Ohhh let me tell ya...it was fun. LOL

I had her worried......I loved hiding my car, watching her drive through looking for it..so she'd report to those who chose to believe just how terrible I was...lol

And no...my actions were not spiritually pure. Of course not, but when you play with the devil, you give them their due.

Ossobuco; that quote is brilliant! I'm gonna paste it on my fridge.
Oh the pain I could have saved myself if I would have learned this earlier! Guess some of us have to learn the hard way (over and over and over again)
:wink:

Lindsay:
You need to step back and get some perspective on this situation.
You decided to marry a man who has fathered three other children (that you have mentioned).
You decided to have a child with this man.

Like it or not: you are not the most important person in this deal.
THE KIDS ARE.
Sorry for shouting; but c'mon!
You are being immature and selfish.
I personally can not understand why you would put yourself in this situation to begin with; but for whatever reason you must care about this man. Either way; you have gotten married and had a child.
And yup; he is the father of those other kids. Swallow it. You're gonna have to deal with some uncomfortable situations. You're gonna have to rise above; because that is what you married into! Not to mention the fact that your child was brought into this mess.

Basically, you signed on for this deal, so give it your all.
You are part of an extended family whether you like it or not. And your daughter is. You better find a way to make it work. If you don't, it won't just be you who suffers. It will be your daughter, and a ripple effect will travel through this whole family.

It sounds like most of the people involved are quite civil actually; and are trying to make it work.
You have an opportunity to have a great life.
Take the opportunity and enjoy it!