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Wed 19 Feb, 2025 06:55 am
Long story short- last October a guy coworker and I started seeing each other around the office more and I noticed that over a period of two months or so we built up a real attraction for each other. He would regularly check me out from a distance and quickly look down, when i caught him. He would gaze intensely into my eyes when we spoke. More than normal, like when someone stares into your soul. He would seem nervous and fidget when we had one to one meetings. Sometimes he would seem stunned or like a deer in headlights looking at me when he would first talk to me and then continue the conversation. At times he would create meetings with me when our workload wouldn’t cross over and respond super quick to messages (like really quick). Anyway you get the idea of why I thought he liked me.
This all built up over the months and then we had a Christmas work party and spent a lot of the evening chatting one to one. It was then I felt the need to tell him I was married as I felt things were getting a bit full on.
We then had Christmas holidays for a month and then when I saw him again, he seemed to back off slightly but still friendly, but had toned down the flirting.
There were a few days when he seemed a bit cold towards me, so I’m not even sure why, but I stupidly (and believe me when I say I completely regret this) sent him a personal email saying that I knew I shouldn’t contact him as we were coworkers and it wasn’t appropriate, that I know it’s wrong because I have a husband and that who knows he could also be married or have a girlfriend, I just simply don’t know, but that I was wanted to say that I liked him. I also said I wasn’t looking to complicate matters at work and for it to affect our work. Anyway I sent it a month ago and no response, which I’m not completely surprised about, given the work thing, yes he could have been shocked etc.,I guess I selfishly liked the attention and didn’t want him to stop.
Since then he’s been similar. Then about a week ago we had a work conference and after work drinks, we sat beside each other and he seemed friendly and then my friend asked me about my husband to which I answered and he listened. I then asked him a question about why he decided to go travelling to a certain country and he told me (and he seemed reluctant to say this) it was because his wife was from there. Now this is the first he’s ever mentioned his wife. I feel like we both initially didn’t mention our partners because we actually enjoyed the attention and attraction we got from each other. I know that’s not good
Anyway since then he’s has been really cold and distant to the point of not wanting to advise on work etc..He barely looks at me anymore and I know it’s bad because I have a husband, but It also hard to go to work everyday and see this guy even though nothing really happened.
So my question is what the hell happened? Why is he acting so cold towards me? Is it because of the email? And how can you supposedly show interest in someone to turn cold?
@Lottemarine ,
Lottemarine wrote:
This all built up over the months and then we had a Christmas work party and spent a lot of the evening chatting one to one. It was then I felt the need to tell him I was married as I felt things were getting a bit full on.
You told him you were married and now, he is backing off. Are you really surprised?
@roger,
No not really, but why is he so cold and despondent when I ask about work?
@Lottemarine ,
Probably because he realizes this would be a bad idea to get close to you in any way. You both showed at a minimum mild interest in each other. Not only could it impact his relationship with his wife (and I would hope to think you would be worried about your relationship with your husband); this sort of involvement even mild flirtation could impact your work, your impression of others in the workplace. There is so much concern now of any sort of inappropriate behavior in the workplace even someone feeling uncomfortable with another person can warrant an investigation from HR.
I would venture to guess that he feels even a small amount of attention towards you might result in you sending another email (which I suggest you do not do as an email now has something in writing that can be misinterpreted) and I hope you were smart enough to send the email via personal email on both sides and not company email.
It simply sounds to me as if this person has smartened up and realizes how dealing with you, for the small amount of pleasure, is not worth all the negatives that it would result in.
@RPhalange,
Thank you for your advice, this is really helpful and makes a lot of sense. Do you think he would be angry that I sent the email? I mean in terms of potentially jeopardising his work, marriage etc?
I sent it to his personal email and yes I would never dream of sending me another email like that again, i was not thinking clearly at the time,
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