The Depression is eating away at me

Oh yea btw I didn't mention about the whole quitting my job thing, I already have another job lined up, I got hired as a waitress... go to orientation on Sunday.... and start right after that.... though it won't be the same as the job I have now, I'd still have a job... and its not like I am paying rent anymore or anything, so in the next few days I may decide to put in my two weeks notice and start over fresh

The physical work might be mentally soothing.

Still, Bipolar Disorder is not a DIY project. Please....

Aw, crazielady - sorry you're feeling like this. I get to the blank state, sometimes, but not to the other states you mention. We're here, we'll listen. And, some of us are even local.

But, I agree with the others who suggest you talk with a doctor about this - you have options.

Oh yeah, like you care, littlek.

Pardone?

Sorry, I was just messing with you, littlek. I'm in such a playful mood tonight. Maybe I should take my ballbreaking to another thread. Yes, that would be the right thing to do...but maybe this thread needs a little levity...Crazielady? Did I commit a major faux pas? Whatcha think?

CL

You say you are bipolar, but then, you apparently haven't discussed this condition with a doctor since you were 16. What if that diagnosis wasn't correct? That's a while ago. You really do need to find a good doctor (ask around!) & talk about how you've been feeling. Life is far too short to live in such an unhappy way. You can do something to make your life less harrowing. Please consider doing it!

You will notice that I don't call you "crazielady". You know, that's because I don't think you are .. "crazy", that is. I think you are intelligent & looking for solutions. But, but ... this weight that you're carrying around with you makes finding those solutions, alone, very hard. Sometimes (like now) it takes all your energy just to survive, to just get by .... Believe me, it doesn't have to be this hard. And trust me, there's nothing shameful about getting the assistance you need. Many of the folk who are responding with such sympathy to your situation may have sought & received "help" at difficult times. I know I have. And I'm really glad I did. It is not weakness at all to do that. Please consider finding a good doctor. You life doesn't have to be this hard.

I just want to second all the good advice you've had,

You MUST see a doctor and get help - help is out there. I have a friend with a similar disorder and a neighbour, Medication and counselling help.

You are valuable, intelligent person and I can't quite understand why your family would be against you getting medical help but you must look after yourself and get that help.

Surely getting rid of/controlling these harrowing (excellent word msolga) feelings has got to be worth it?

I feel so much better today, I actually slept last night, these past two weeks were really hard on me and I still have so much more to do, but I feel so rested right now and even though I only got about 5 and a half hours of sleep, that is so much more than I have been getting.... I can't wait until I go to sleep 2nite, hopefully I can finally get that 8 hours I need....

Thank you all for your help :-)

Darling, you are feeling better because you are coming out of your depression state. It wouldn't suprise me if you suddenly felt like you could take on the world because that's how bipolar works.

See your doctor. It's important.

yes exactly what I was thinking - please do see your doctor, Now is the time when you can explain it best, when the worst is fresh in your mind but you are feeling able to communicate.

Bella I have never had a really bad manic episode, some hypomania but not that bad... the worst I have ever done is just emptied my bank account and taken off when I had responsibilites.... But I have been able to control myself, no matter how much I get the urge to do something like that, I am a strong person and I can fight this... Just like many bipolar people are suicidal, I'm not, I LOVE life so much, I want to live until I am 103 years old....

So the worst I may get is a little hypomania.... but yesterday was really bad because I was in a mixed state, jumping back and forth from mania to depression in an instant and I just lost it... I ended up going home and sitting in a corner rocking back and forth... tears streaming down my face.... but then I finally pulled myself together....

And here I am now.... much better than yesterday and a little more rested

Sorry for the rambling.... I am still very tired and having some trouble processing all my thoughts... but once I am done with the last of the moving today and am back home and able to relax, everything will start to look up!!

About seeing a doctor, I understand where you are all coming from and why you are saying that.... but I don't want to see a doctor... I can't, I am strong, I can do this.... and I need to show my family that.... because half of my family has been seeing these doctors for years and years and they have done nothing for them.... except make it a lil' worse....

I have a bad past from those doctors, and I don't think I could ever trust one of them, EVER.... I am not very fond of them at all.... they don't do any good, just make everything worse by stuffing you with pills that make you a different person and then declaring stable and all better... when you're not, they just supress it all and make it worse, never getting better.... Well I'd rather get better on my own then with them who just want your money...

Sorry As you can see I am not to fond of them....

Ok I am gonna stop now

Izzy, there isn't anything any of us can say to make you go but please understand that this isn't a mind over matter issue!



Mayo Clinic Read the first paragraph. The mayo clinic is pretty reputable.

Please consider seeing a new doctor.

That's all I am going to say about it. I am not your mother. I am not your doctor. I am your friend and as your friend, I am going to say this one more time with tough love and that's it. If you won't take care of yourself, no one will, so go see a doctor and get this under control. You are not a super hero. You are not invincible. You can't "fight" this on your own. You need to see a doctor.

Bella, I know that the help may get my head straightened out, but I know that I am going to deny the help up and down... and its not that bad all the time... I could have it a lot worse...

But I spoke with my mother yesterday about seeing a doctor but they don't take my insurance and I can't pay out of pocket.

So I just have to deal with it until I either get new insurance or become rich (never going to happen :-) )

I will not go to the ER because their solution is stick her in a room with padded walls and call her crazy while doctors attempt to pick her brain and then give her medicine that makes her sick... been there done that and I was only 10 years old.... I hate doctors now...

{{{{{{{Issy}}}}}}}

Take gentle care, CL. I hope you are somehow able to get some support. We're all here for you, but we're not experts at bipolar. Have you checked out the possibility of free clinics?

Cl, i'm sorry you've had bad experiences with docs. they're people, you know, so some are good, and some not so good. still, if you do get the chance, it might be worth another try, especially if it's a psychologist/therapist/counselor rather than an MD; they'll listen to you without prescribing pills. in the meantime, hang in there!

My understanding of bipolarity or clinical depression is that they are a physical conditions with symtoms that are mental moods, mood being the wrong word as I'm sure it is stronger than that, but that is all stems from the body's biochemistry. I agree with those who say it isn't a situation of mind over matter, and that you should see some other doctor, even at a local free clinic if they have them there. Even if you are feeling better and more in control.

Not that I'm against counseling - I think that is useful too, if you have a good counselor, but in addition to dealing with the biochemistry.

ossobuco, excellent point you make, and a reputable counselor would likely say the same thing. but counseling can be valuable even under medication, as a follow-up. i may be mistaken, but i'm under the impression that in many cases a physician writes a prescription for a mood-altering drug and then the patient's on her own, with no aftercare.

CL,

back in the day, i had my dealings with some pretty severe depression. i have no idea about bipolarness (if that is a word), but here's what my doc said about most psychological ailments (including bipolar disorder): he said:

psychological ailments have been proven to be caused by an imbalance in the chemicals in your brain. in some people, traumatic events cause an increase in these chemicals, in others, nothing causes it, it just happens. so just like people have high blood pressure and have to be treated, people with bipolar disease and depression have to be treated. over time, with therapy some can get better because they can determine the underlying emotion or state that has caused the release of the chemicals, but some have no reason at all. we are just breaking the surface of these ailments, but one thing is for sure-you cannot defeat them on your own. if your brain is out of whack for whatever reason (just like if your blood pressure is out of whack for whatever reason) you need an outside force to fix that.

that said, the right medicine for YOU can help immensely. however, drugs for these ailments are alot like birth control pills, they affect everyone differently so what you need is a doctor who 1) cares about you and your health, 2) knows that just because you are bipolar doesn't mean you belong in a mental institution, and 3) will work with you on medications to determine what is best.

also, it would be helpful to have a therapist/counselor etc. when i used to go it was the best hour of my week. i loved it, she listened to all i had to say and never judged me. i got the root of my issues and even though i understand it, i still struggle. always will. i had the combination of a psychiatrist who worked with my therapist to best combine therapy and drugs to get a good result. i have been med free since i was 20 and just like everyone else i have good days and bad days. but i don't have days like i did before where i would yell and scream at people for no reason.

the hardest part of it all is realizing that you can't do it alone and that doesn't make you weak. i think it makes you strong: realizing you have a problem, looking it in the face and saying, mother f'er, you are not going to get the best of me, i am going to do everything i can (and others can) to kick yer a$$!!!!! bring it on!!!!

ok i got carried away sorry. but what you have to realize is that there is nothing "wrong" with you, you have a disease just like anyone with diabetes has a disease, and with drugs and therapy it can be controlled and sometimes cured.

good luck CL, i will be thinking about you.

We're ALL thinking of you, Miss Christine, and wishing for you and wanting for you, only the very best.