The Depression is eating away at me

Hey, CL!
Did you survive today without any major mishaps? I hope so.
But you can't go on like this! I'm concerned. What are you going to do to take this terrible pressure off yourself?
I'm certainly not an expert on bipolar disorder, though I had a friend who struggled with the condition. At times it made life extremely difficult for her. And I mean really difficult. And she had quite a time of it, juggling different (prescribed) drugs to sort out which best suited her. But I think she's getting somewhere now ...
I'm probably asking an obvious question, but you are getting professional help for your condition, aren't you? Surely it's time to contact your doctor to work out where to next? This is too long to feel like this. Give yourself a break.

Good luck!

Darling, do you have medicine you take for this? I know that your condition can be controlled. A very good friend of mine has a sister who is bipolar and she just had a baby. Please talk to your doctor. YOu don't have to live this way!


(((((((crazie))))))

I took myself off the meds when I was 16 and stopped seeing the doctor, my family doesn't support it and they tell me that it is all in my head and that nothing is wrong, but they aren't in my head at all, I shouldn't be at work today, I am going to snap and I am going to make people very angry, I already know that.. I don't have a doctor to see, besides they don't help me, the one i saw didn't connect with me... and if I go back to another one I will hurt my family... and I can't have that on my chest too... I just need to get away, I need to get my mind off of it, and I won't be able to deal with my boss today and she is going to be here shortly, I have been at work for an hour and a half and I haven;t gotten one thing done, I am just lost... I have given everyone a attitude that has talked to me, well not really an attitude, just an empty hello and an I am ok... but I am really not ok, and I know that they can see it because I am sick of hiding it... I need help but I can't get it... cuz if I do then it will be worse, I just need to get away... I am ready to walk out of work, do they have vacations for this, like some kind of mental health leave, I don't know, I am just really f*cked up right now

Seriously consider trying another doctor, CL. Of course it's not just "in your head!". This is causing you a great deal of stress & misery. Do something about it.

God it sounds awful, thats not the Crazy Lady I know.

I say, go with it.Take time off, go spend some of that money, definately get a doctor.
Why would it hurt your family if you saw a doctor!!

Absorb your sadness, go with the flow, trying to battel against it is probably doing you more harm.
If you feel yourself about to snap at someone, stop, think about it and change your response.

See a doctor!!!

"unfortunately, they are laying people off right now so this is not good timing for you to break down"

This is what my mom says

Are you sensitive to the weather at all, crazie?

Actually, I dont' know why I asked that as it doesn't make a bit of difference. Will it help to pour out your guts here when you feel like snapping? Maybe just eek out the minimum response to your boss and coworkers but vent here.

I hope you feel better.

No I am not sensitive to weather, lol

I just haven't slept in days and I can't eat and I am just sad, thats all, I just need a break before I have a mental breakdown

I feel like the world has slipped away from me and I am sitting here in an empty shell lost in time without hope... I feel like at any moment the whole world could come crashing down and it would not phase me... I could just get up and walk away and not even care about it, I could just leave, nothing is holding me back except the little part of me that is still holding on, the little part of me saying you can do this....

It is like having the good angel on one shoulder and the devil angel on the other.... well my devil angel has kicked the good angel off my other shouler and is trying to clone itself.... but my good angel grabbed onto my sleeve before it feel to its death..... that is the best way I can describe it.... and I know if I wasn't around people right now I'd feel alot better, but when I am like this I hate being talked to, I hate moving, I just want to lay there until my body can catch up with my mind... and I shouldn't even feel like this, I have so much more have to do today also... I just hate this so much and I need a ciggarette right now really bad even though I had one 45 minutes ago

CAN anyone give me any reason not to walk out of my job right now? ANYONE because I am going to scream in a minute..... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

About two or three months ago, I felt pretty much the same way as you seem to now. Just go home and tell them you aren't feeling well if it's that bad. You don't have to lose your job over it. Just relax, realize that you can't handle it today, and go home.

Unless it's just some **** job and you can find another piece of **** job easily. Then I say, f*ck it.

Crazie Lady--

Are you the same person you were when you were sixteen?

Of course not. You're older, more mature and less dependent on your family's opinions.

You've never done anything that your family though was unnecessary? Never?

Start now. Find a doctor and make an appointment.

Izzy, there are different types of doctors and therapies that might help. The difficult part (honestly) is finding the right one for you.

Have you got a family doctor? You need to at least touch base with a gp who you can talk to about how this is impacting you.

You're doing pretty well at hanging on when you're in a downward spiral, but it'll help if you've got a doc to back you up.

Listen to Noddy and hang on, Izzy.

Crazielady, may I suggest that in addition to being treated by someone who cares about your condition, that you keep a journal. As much as we are concerned, there is not much we can do except give you advice.

I do know this. Your meds simply control the symptoms. You need someone to talk to who shares your sense of "the primal scream" and will discuss what you have written with some degree of insight.

We have all been where you are, my dear, and know that we care.

Might I add, that you are a lovely woman. <smile>

Incidentally. Someone cared enought about you to direct me here.

oh, and will you do me a favor? Take your hand and slap off that "t" that I put on the end of "enough".

Izzy girl, listen up sweetie. You need some help and you need it now! Bi-polarism is not something to mess around with, self treating or as in your case not treating at all. You know better than anyone how devastating it can be having lived with it for more than 4 years.

Right now, get on the phone to your doctor, your regular MD and tell him or his office staff that you are losing it. Bottom of the barrel and can't deal with anything right now and THAT YOU NEED HELP NOW!

F*ck what your family thinks. They are NOT you and they are NOT the ones who are going through what you are. There is absolutely NO shame in what you have darlin. The shame is that they guilt you into thinking it is all in your head and to snap out of it. It doesn't always work that way!!
The severe lows and subsequent highs of bi-polarism NEED ongoing and continuous help or you WILL eventually destroy yourself.

And, to set your mind at ease, depending on your company and your state, there may be disability insurance that could cover you financially to be able to take time off and heal yourself. Get back on some meds that keep the bI-polar in check and stay off work until you feel whole again. And if that isn't available and work fires you, f*ck that too. You were looking for a job when you found this one, you can look again in the future. In the meantime, if they do fire you, collect unemployment.

Don't wait, little Izzy. Do something NOW. Something today! If I were there, I'd be taking you myself. If its the only motivation you have for yourself today, do THIS. For yourself, your safety, your health and your life. Do it. NOW, sweetie. Right now.

Issy, are you still here?

Depression isn't something you can just talk yourself out of. We're all here for you, but you need more than us. Of course it isn't just in your head. There must be hotline numbers in the Boston area where you can call and talk to someone.

I'm glad the good angle found your sleeve. She's still there, talking to you. She's just a little further away.

Here's a hotline number Mass. Alliance for the Mentally Ill (AMI), Boston 800-370-9085 OR 617-350-3191

and here's a website:

http://www.mddaboston.org/

Thank you guys, you're the best.... I feel better now.... I am just in a state of blankness now, nothing really phases me and I don't care, but I don't feel sad or worried anymore.... which is a plus... I am not manic right now cuz when I get manic I have to get up and go and I am not depressed right now, so I believe I am in a mixed state.... but I am strong and I always make it through.... The only reason I am not on the meds is because they make me feel like a zombie and because of my heart problem, I don't want them to interfer....

I haven't done any work today at work, I just made it look like I was...oops, but I don't care....

I am very grateful that I have A2K to go to because if I didn't then I would have snapped (that and I went onto a bipolar forum also that I know go to when I have trouble.. always good to get advice from someone that has been there)

Well I got more bad news and everything has officially crashed down onto me... So I am not looking forward to leaving work, but I will keep in touch and update you all...

Love,
Issy

That sounds ominous. I hope everything is ok.