Not sure what to do

Hi,
I’m new here so apologies if I am posting this in the wrong place or if this isn’t appropriate. I am also not sure how to keep this short but I will try..

My husband and I have been together for 23 years and married for 8 years. We have 3 children.

I have suffered with depression a lot over the years since I was 20.

In 2008 I was going through another period of depression and this made my libido quite low which put strain on our relationship. One night we went out and he locked me in a toilet in the pub and demanded oral sex, he pressured me so much I felt I had to do it so I did despite not wanting to. This really messed with my head. I always hated giving oral sex but did it because I naively though it was something all women had to do and that I was abnormal for not liking it. So being made to in this way had quite an impact on my mental health. Sex wasn’t really an enjoyable experience for me back then.

In 2010 my husband had a car accident and was very close to dying due to a severe brain injury. When he was discharged from the hospital he was like a different person, he was loving and kind and I genuinely felt like the most important thing in his life and this was reflected in our sex life too. Then in 2012 I had another relapse with depression which resulted in me not being as interested in sex again. Some nights I would just do it anyway because I hated him asking for it all the time and getting angry when I didn’t want to. One night he wanted to do it doggy style which is not a position I particularly enjoy and I find it quite painful. We agreed that he would be careful and not put it in too deep however the more he enjoyed it the more forceful he became. I was asking him to stop as it was hurting but he held me down and continued until he climaxed. I was crying towards the end and afterwards I felt violated.

For a few years after that our sex life was not good, our life wasn’t that good either as my husband has struggled with controlling his anger since his brain injury. My husband found the lack of sex really hard. I found it difficult to move past both times where he forced me, once in the pub toilet and the second time where he continued when I was asking to stop. He felt that as it was so long ago I should have been able to move passed it by now and I should leave the past in the past. He has said he’s sorry for the way he treated me and feels bad about the things he did but felt that I should be able to get over it as it was a long time ago. I haven’t given him oral sex or had sex doggy style since the second occasion where he forced me.

He suggested I should have counselling to help me to move passed what happened in the past so I’d be more open to giving him oral sex as he said he really misses it. He also said it makes him really angry and resentful that I wont give him oral sex because it’s something I used to do and now won’t. So I agreed to have counselling and did talking therapies in 2022.

During my counselling sessions my therapist helped me to understand myself more and I learned that if oral sex isn’t something I enjoy giving then I don’t have to do it. I learned that I am not abnormal for not wanting to do it. She helped me to create a list of things I am open to doing which I gave to my husband. I talked with him after every appointment to let him know how things were going. He wasn’t happy because he thought the appointments would help me to see oral sex as a good thing when actually the appointments help me to learn that it’s ok to not to want to do it. My therapist suggested we should come up with alternative things that we both enjoy. However my husband has very different ideas about what he would find satisfying sexually and they don’t align with what I am happy to do. He wants oral sex, to come in my face, anal, mutual materbation which are all things I’ve tried with him but do not enjoy nor want to do again.

I enjoy having sexual intercourse more now than I ever have. I love having sex with him and would be happy to have Sex most nights but my husband says our sex life is boring and he needs blow jobs to be able to function or needs “relieving” through the things I mentioned above that he wants me to do. I really don’t want to do these things and I find some of them quite degrading. My husband is happy to give me oral sex but I’ve said on many occasions that I would be ok with him not doing it since I don’t want to do it to him but he says it turns him on so doesn’t want to stop. I feel bad that he’s not satisfied with our sex life but he’ doesn’t just want me to do those things, he wants me to enjoy it. I don’t know how to enjoy something I don’t like. Until recently I found it hard to climax during sex because I was doing things I don’t enjoy so by the time we had sex I wasn’t really aroused at all. Now Sex is different for me and I climax most times. So now I don’t know what to do.

We are stuck because my husband is an angry mess because he feels unsatisfied sexually and I am upset that I can’t seem to make myself want to do any of those things he most desires.

I don’t want to split up with him as I really do love him. When he’s not angry he’s a lovely person. He has many good qualities. He says he doesn’t want us to split up either.

Any advice?