Should I give my boyfriend a 2nd/3rd chance?

Reply Sat 30 Sep, 2023 09:45 am
My bf has shown a pattern of being pushy/controlling if it's something he really wants and also seems to be unaware/does not care about my needs.

He can be egocentric (per my therapist).

Long story short...been together a couple of years and his pushiness really got to me and I told him I felt suffocated including living together and pushed around and needed a break. I know he feels bad when we aren't together but I'm much more independent and need my space. I think sometimes he was trying to get me to fill the gap after his divorce only a few years prior to meeting him.

Not sure how long a break should be but I figured a few weeks. Problem is we are invited to 2 consecutive weddings in the next 2 weekends and I just don't feel ready to give him another chance and not sure I ever wills so I told him I wasn't going to the 1st wedding of his friend and I was going alone to the 2nd wedding (my friend) alone. He freaked out - he has written me "love letters" via text and email, begged to meet and talk in person, sent me a dozen red roses, etc told me the only thing that's important is for us to be together and he'll do anything to make it work etc and he'll do anything to make me happy. He then said in his email he hoped that it resets the concerns and I'll still attend both weddings with him. I declined.

I told him I didn't like his selfishness a few months ago and he told me then to give him another chance and he'd change. He did get a little better at that issue but then the pushy/controlling part started in again with the living together and even sometimes making social plans like making dates for us to go with his friends before asking me.

We do love each other but am I kidding myself about his behavior? if we get back together is it realistic to expect he will get pushy in a just a matter of time or is it possible he will change.

Even though I have a therapist, I find that sometimes is helps to reach out to folks who may have actually experienced this type of thing. I just don't want to throw away a relationship it took a few years to build nor do I want to stay in a harmful relationship so I suppose want some reassurance if possible.

In any event, my bf is not contacting me per my request (and he is going to the wedding w/o me) but I do need to make a final decision soon since there's no point in dragging this out either way.

The email he wrote me saying he'd change was quite detailed and said essentially he'll do anything to stay with me...his "push" for us to live together will not happen again unless and until I'll be ready; he is willing to adjust his life so I'm comfortable, etc. While the email sounds great, I don't think I can trust him to actually follow through. I think he's just saying what he needs to now to avoid me leaving him altogether. But maybe I'm wrong?

The other issue is what I perceive as him feeling somewhat threatened by my adult children. He seems to feel insecure when I'm with them and not him, even though I've given him no reason to be that way. The email addresses this and states he knows my kids come first and he wants the opportunity to get to know them better so they don't feel threatened by him (but he doesn't address his insecurity).

I know there's no way to know for sure if the decision I make is the right one but I want to make the best decision possible for my own mental health.
Reply Sat 30 Sep, 2023 11:01 am
Just how many different accounts do you have to make to hear the same thing?

The guy is controlling. It's not likely that he's going to change, no matter what he says. He wants to live with you so he has a roof over his head and a nurse as he ages. He can tart that up with words of love all he wants to, but that's the bottom line, from everything you have ever written about him.

You've also said your grown children don't like him. They have your own best interests at heart. Maybe you should start listening to them.

Stay. Go. Whatever.

But if you want to give this a chance, put a hard, concrete deadline on things—but keep it to yourself. He's got (let's say), 6 months to change, or to stay changed. If he isn't, then he's out on his ear and with no regrets or second guessing by you.
Reply Sat 30 Sep, 2023 12:02 pm
jespah wrote:

Just how many different accounts do you have to make to hear the same thing?

She's probably the most indecisive woman out there.

@RobinW400 - usually you give a person a chance to redeem themselves,
not a 2nd or 3rd chance. By then, you're the fool.
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Reply Sat 30 Sep, 2023 11:54 pm
If you're not getting the answer you want then maybe what you want isn't any good.

I've met people like you before, pestering for advice, but doing the opposite and then whining about the consequences.

Whatever sympathy people, on this forum, may have had is rapidly evaporating.
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Reply Sun 1 Oct, 2023 08:08 pm
He says he will change and do anything to make it work. No...he won't. People are who they are. He is who he is. It's not going to happen.
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Reply Tue 3 Oct, 2023 07:27 pm
He won't change and will probably get worse. Any resentment he has about your children won't change either, I strongly suggest you dump him.
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Reply Sun 15 Oct, 2023 09:11 pm
Learn when enough is enough. As long as you did your best to keep him, it's going to be his loss. Go live your life, you deserve so much better!
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Reply Sun 15 Oct, 2023 09:17 pm
It's important to trust your instincts and prioritize your own mental health when evaluating your relationship. While your boyfriend may be saying the right things, it's crucial to see real changes in his behavior before considering getting back together. Attending weddings together may just lead to
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