is my wife cheating or am i just paranoid?

nick-at-nite- I think that snooping is rarely appropriate in a marriage. Can't you talk to your wife and bring the issue out in the open? I think that you need to tell her what you have observed, and ask her for an explanation. Don't be accusatory, or she may be put on the defensive. A simple "wassup" can start the ball rolling.

Good luck!

I have asked her in passing about the make-up and getting dressed up. She got defensive saying she can get made up if she wants.

I agree snooping is a bit low... but how else am I to know for sure? Blind trust is tough once suspicions arise.

So maybe you have to ask her in more than "passing". Share your concerns with her.

She may be cheating, she may be not. There is no way now that you can tell. But IMO, if it were me, I would attempt to bring things out into the open, before I resorted to snooping.

Have you thought about what your next step would be if she were indeed cheating?

here is my twisted logic:
If I express my concerns and she is indeed having an affair, she may become more cautious in her dealings with the guy, making it more difficult for me to find out.

As much as I love my wife, I would divorce her in a heartbeat if she was cheating on me.

By the way, she has a history of being unfaithful. Her previously marriage ended because she cheated on him twice... one of which resulted in a pregnancy.

I agree with Phoenix. A marriage should be built on open communication-- not suspicions and snooping. But make sure you deal with the feelings you are having.

Whether or not she is cheating, the fact that you are feeling suspicions is a sign there are problems in the marriage.

My advice is to focus on working on your marriage. Your goal should be to build a closer and more trusting relationship. Of course, in order to do this you must be able to address your concerns openly.

If you start snooping, you are basically starting the process of ending the marriage. Instead of being more open (i..e going towards a healthier marriage) you are sneaking in private (i.e. going towards more conflict).

If you can not resolve these feelings between you, and you want to keep the marriage, I would suggest marriage counseling-- sooner rather than later.

Things done in secrecy, snooping hiding concerns etc. can cause damage to your marriage even if there is no cheating involved.

Nick-at-nite--

What do you mean by "snooping"? Following her? Prying into her messages?

You worry:




This isn't a "catch me" game. This is a marriage. If she refuses to talk about her behavior ask her why.

nick-at-nite,

Maybe she has new set of girl friends in office...maybe they have told her - "hey you look great with make-up". Maybe she likes going out with them for lunch.

Please dont ask directly "are you having an affair?". It's very hurtful if your husband questions you about an afair you aren't having.

If you feel she's genuinely distancing herself away from you (not meeting you for lunch, no dressing up for you)...as the others have said - you do need to speak to her.

I went against everyone's advice and did some snooping.

I found out my wife has been talking to a guy for months now. Not just any guy... it's the guy that she had an affair with in her last marriage. She claims it's not sexual. Even if she's telling the truth I don't care.

Life is so unfair.

nick-at-nite--

What will you do now?

i don't know.
my thoughts are all over the place.

i have not been a saint. but is this justifcation to give her another chance?

i don't know. i don't know anything at this point.

i REALLY want to make this work but i don't want to be made a fool.

i know the meaning of depression now.

What does this mean? If if means you've been unfaithful in some way, there isn't any way you can fairly leave her over being unfaithful.

i met someone for lunch months ago. i confessed. it hurt her extremely.
her actions may be in retaliation.

for the sake of argument, let's say i was 100% wrong for everything... my fault my fault.

where does that leave us? where does that leave me?

i don't trust her. she doesn't trust me. at what point do we say let's go our separate ways?

How is that not being a saint? Is lunch a crime now? Nothing happened, did it, other than perhaps a nice lobster bisque?


If you don't trust her, leave. There is no point in dragging out an untrusting relationship. You will be miserable.

the last 24 hours has been hellish.

she is denying her relationship with the guy was intimate. all i can picture is my wife on top of some guy. the scenarios that go through my head are sickening.

i genuinely want to make this work but i don't know if those thoughts will ever go away.

maybe you're right. maybe i just need to end it and save myself from years of heartache.

So you married this woman, knowing of her "track record". In a way, by marrying her, you are acknowledging that she has the tendency to cheat.
Before you were married, did the two of you set up ground rules whereby you were to have an exclusive relationship?

First, relax and back up a little. You are very hurt, and it appears that she may have very well been cheating.........if not on a physical level, on an emotional one.

Both of you need some time to think and work things through. You need to talk to her, and tell her that you cannot deal with her extra-curricular liasons. Marriage counselling may be a good place for you to start. But don't allow yourself to spiral into hysteria or a depression.

Right now you are very hurt, and it is understandable. But you keep saying that you want to make the marriage work. Give yourself time to get over this shock, sit back a little, and then try to work things out. If indeed the situation is untenable, you can always divorce, but don't start on the "slippery slope" unless you are absolutely sure.

Nick-at-nite--

You've said that you would divorce her for unfaithfulness.

You've also said that you want the marriage to work.

Bottom line: Do you believe your wife when she says there is nothing physical going on?

she FINALLY admitted to everything. everything as in cheated on me several times with several people. like a fool i told her i was willing to give her a second chance.

she blew it the very next day.

we're getting divorced.

nick-at-nite--

I wish you well. Remember, we're here if you need to vent.

I disagree with many in this forum. 6 weeks ago I got a cell phone bill that was much higher than normal. Thinking that someone cloned one of our phones I went online and did research. Come to find out the guy (a cop) that my wife was cheating on me with had a different cell phone provider therefore the calls they made to each other were charged. I did research to find out who the phone number belonged to. I used this information and confronted my wife. Like you Nick, my wife had cheated in the past (when we were first married). When I confronted her she said they were just talking about a girl at work they both disliked. I didn't believe her and told her so. Over the next 3 weeks I put a tape recorder in her truck on random days to find out if anything was really going on. All I expected to get was a phone call. Instead I got my wife and him having sex in the back of the truck. Had I taken the advice many are giving you then I would have never known.