Attorney stories...or Witness stories...you decide:

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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

______________________________

ATTORNEY: When is your birthday?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

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Hahaha

This is actually my favorite

Quote:

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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Alive and practicing law.
HAW!

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When I stop laughing maybe I can say something!

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ATTORNEY: Are you positive the time was 7:30 p.m.?
WITNESS: Yes, I am.
ATTORNEY: Couldn't it have been 6:30 p.m. instead?
WITNESS: Wel, yes, it could. If I were in Chicago.

--------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure of the exact time?
WITNESS: Brcause I looked at my watch.
ATTORNEY: Do you often look at your watch to see what time it is?
WITNESS: Yes, that is one of the uses to which I put my watch.

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One from an injury compensation case:-

Lawyer: "Would you show the Court how far you can raise your injured arm?"

Witness: < raises injured arm to chest height, whilst grimacing >

Lawyer: "And now can you show us how far you could raise it before the accident?"

Witness: < raises same arm straight up above his head >

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Hah, hah, Lord Ellpus, are there similar stories in the UK?

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Thank you, Frank. I needed a really good laugh today! Laughing

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This was told to me by a prosecutor colleague. It is an actual event (took place some years ago though). I can't remember the exact exchange of words so I have reproduced them as best I can. This took place in a summmary court (in front of a Magistrate).

Prosecutor: "What happened then."
Defendant: "They took me up to their office" ("They" being two detectives)
Prosecutor: "Yes and then what happened?"
Defendant: "They sat me down in a chair in a room."
Prosecutor: "Yes."
Defendant: "And then they started asking me questions. They were pretty angry."
Prosecutor: "How do you know they were angry?"
Defendant" "They were yelling at me and then one hit me on the head with a phone book."
Prosecutor: "What happened then?"
Defendant" "My ear started ringing"

Magistrate, trying not to laugh: "Mr (named the prosecutor) I wouldn't if I were you....."
Prosecutor" (hurriedly) "Did you answer it?"

Apparently the defendant looked quite confused as everyone in court cracked up.

Very Happy

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Oh crap, these are really funny. Here's my favorite.

Quote:

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

0 Replies

kickycan wrote:

Oh crap, these are really funny. Here's my favorite.

Quote:
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

I told you they were good.

And that one happens to be my favorite also.

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Here is one from the English book about Court misunderstandings......

from "Disorder in the Court"

......I just wish the defendants name had been Gus, as it would have been perfect.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George"

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.....and....

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

And some random questions.....

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

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Here's one of mine:

The following took place during a trial where the defendant was charged with "lewd and lascivious behavior" ...

Prosecutor: And then what happened?

Witness: Well, he pulled down his pants.

Prosecutor: And what did you see?

Witness: Um, I saw his penis.

Prosecutor: Okay, and what state was his penis in?

Witness: Uh ..... Kansas?

Not the response the prosecutor was anticipating. The judge had to call a recess in order to compose himself.

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Attorney stories...or Witness stories...you decide:

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