should i divorce or not?

chicky - Welcome to A2K!

Get out of that situation, immediately. Abuse does not get better. It simply escalates. Don't wait until you end up in an emergency room...................or worse. Call a women's shelter and make arrangements..............now!

My god!!Why did you marry him to begin with?!!

Definately get out.Do you want to spend the rest of yuor life feeling like crap.
Your spouse is the one person in your life that should make you feel like a million dollars!!

Get out!!

Get yourself out of there NOW. RUN, do not walk away from the abusive man. It doesn't matter a hill of beans what parents did or did not do to him he is a danger to you.

Let's see: He is abusive, slaps you, tried strangling you, bumped your head, you have had bruises. What are you waiting for? Eventually he might go further and actually succeed in strangling you and from your grave you will not be able to do anything. Have you reported him to the local police? At the very least they should be made aware of what is happening, but the best thing for you now, even if you feel you love him, seeing as how he is not able to communicate anything resembling love to you and instead physically violates you, your best choice is to just leave.

Thanks for all your replies.

One thing i forgot to mention is that we have a 2month old baby. So i have to consider her as well. I really dont want her to grow up without a father. My parents already said that i musnt worry about that because they will be there for the help and support that i'll need.

I married him because i do love him. And not once did he ever become violent in any way before our marraige.

I question myself to whether or not i brought out the worst in him but all i feel i ever did was show the man love... something i started to realise he knows nothing of.

He had 2 previous serious relationships where marriage was apparently discussed and Just earlier today it occured to me that when i spoke to his last serious girlfriend, she warned me to 'not change' for him because she did and sh's not happy with herself. Now i realise i've changed.

I think it may be best to leave, but it's harder said than done. I dont know if it's infactuation or love, but through all this i STILL feel i love him.

Babies should not be subjected to upbringing in an abusive household. Oh, and some spouse abusers HAVE been known to abuse their kids, too.



That is a very common scenario. Now that he's "got" you, he can allow his true nature to emerge. Were you pregnant before you were married? Sometimes a pregnancy will be the stressor that will begin the road of violence.



One of the things that an abuser does, is to belittle his partner until she questions herself, and blames herself for the violence.

IT IS NOT YOU. NORMAL MEN ARE NOT VIOLENT TOWARDS THEIR PARTNERS!



After you leave, and you are in safety, you will have time to seek a professional to help you inderstand why you "love" a man who abuses you.



You are very lucky. Many women don't have that support, and get out anyway. For you it will be a lot easier than for many.

So you want him to slap around your child too? Get out and take your baby with you.

You dont want your kid seeing yuo get slapped about do you.
If yuo stay you will be teaching your kid that thats what a loving relationship is about.

Its not your fault.

You can still love him even when yuor miles away from him.

get out.

Love doesn't equal pain and suffereing. Love doesn't make it all work out. Love isn't all you need. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you can or should be with them.

Go go go. Even if he doesn't abuse your child, your child will see the way he treats you and it will affect him/her. This can't stay how it is and have a good outcome. This sort of thing is better done sooner than later. It's possible that joint parenting relationship can still be formed, but if you wait until it has escalated this won't be possible. Don't wait until he becomes a monster.

Your baby needs a strong mother who knows what's best for her and her child. Be that mother.

so you want your child to learn that buse is ok by staying with your husband and subjecting the child to it every day?
How fair is that?
IF he is wiling to " get help" he will be just as willing with you OUTSIDE the home , safe and comfortable.

chicky, welcome to a2k. i know how you feel. i was in an abusive relationship many years ago. you feel useless, like no one any better than him will ever want you, he's the best you'll ever get, you brought this violence on yourself, etc, etc...

the first thing to realize is that abusers make you feel this way so you won't leave. they make you feel dependent on them so that you feel like you have to stick around or your entire world will crumble.

what you need to realize is that there is someone out there who is going to give you the love and respect you deserve, not just as a woman, but as a human being in general.

you do not deserve this, you did not bring out the worst in him-he did that himself. and your child deserves to grow up in a loving environment where both parents not only respect the child, but each other as well.

i suggest if your parents will give you all the support you need-pack up while he isn't home, move in with them, turn him into the police, get a restraining order. if you can show he has been abusive to your child, then you can get a restraining order from him seeing the baby too. if you work, you must inform your direct supervisor so that he/she knows your husband is not welcome there and if he shows up anywhere near you, call the police again.

now is the time to realize that it isn't just you you have to worry about. how long do you think it will be before your child has shaken baby syndrome-when he shakes her because she won't stop crying. that damage is irreversible, my brother is a neurosurgeon and has seen it all too often. please, please, for you and esp. your baby, get out. i realize you don't want your baby to have one parent, but what about your baby having the right to not be abused. please, esp. since you have the full support of your parents, get out.

keep us informed, i am worried about you. there was another lady going through this a little while back, i will see if we can find her and maybe her perspective will help-she was leaving after a number of years if i recall - somewhere around 15.

Love by definition, does not intentionally cause harm. Does your husband truly love you? Slapping you, grabbing you around the neck and trying to strangle you, knocking your head up against the wall, is NOT love. Simple fact is - your husband does not love you, nor does he even know how to love you. Your husband is a very dangerous man , whom in his own time, might very well kill you if given the chance.. And you give him that chance every day you stay with him.

You say he cried after the first time he hit you. I know that cry. I've seen it too, by my own abuser. It didn't stop him from abusing me again. Just like your husbands cry, didn't stop him. Don't mistake that cry, for one of pure sincerity. Many abusers do feel some sort of remorse after the first beating. The ones that are truly sorry - get help. The ones that don't …….well, they learn to stop feeling sorry for what they've done. They instead, develop a sick euphoric feeling. Like feeding a drug addict, they need more and more. The beatings become so frequent, you eventually pray to die.

Between beatings, abusers can be very endearing. It's such a jekyll and hyde roller coaster that the victim begins to doubt her own self. Her own sanity. Her own ability to see herself as anything other than this awful person that indeed must be deserving of her abuse.

Chicky, life is full of choices that we have to make. Our free will allows us to make whatever decision we deem acceptable, regarding these choices. Your husband makes the decision to beat you … of his own free will. Not to be blamed on his parents. There are children that have grown up in loveless or less than perfect environments that do not beat their partner.

Your husband knows that beating you is wrong. Yet, he makes the choice to continue this hideous crime. Why? Because this is love? I think not. If he truly is sorry for his actions, he would have gotten help by now. He would do whatever it takes to put you out of harms way. He hasn't.

If one day he doesn't loosen his grip around your neck in time, when he is strangling you…..and he takes your life from you - do you trust him enough to take care of your child? That should scare the crap out of you. It does me.

A man's love for a woman (and visa versa) …should manifest itself as care and tenderness. Coupled with devotion and self-sacrifice. And always be constant.

Chicky, love yourself enough to get the hell out of there - before it's too late. And make no mistake…..that day will come.

(((((((((chicky)))))))

Yes. You know what you should do. You should get a divorce. You should leave right now; get a restraining order to keep that abusive man away from you and your baby; and never go back.

If you don't care enough about yourself, try to care for your child. If you don't do what you KNOW you should do, then you're sentencing yourself and your child to a miserable life of violence, pain, bruises, and broken bones--a life that may very well be short-lived.

chicky,

Welcome to A2K. We are very happy to have you here.

I echo the opinions of every other poster here. For you and your baby's sake, sanity, safety and life, you have to distance yourself from this man as fast as you can. Thank goodness you have such wonderful and supportive parents to stand with you with open arms and hearts.

Your abusive husband has laid the groundwork and from here on it will only get worse, I can promise you that. Even though your husband was never violent to you prior to marriage, you did say that he was cold and unromantic. You deserve so much better than that!!

Your baby depends on you for its very survival and I can only hope that you can put the love aside that you have for your husband and think of your life and your babys first and foremost.

We're here for you, chicky. Gather your strength we all know you have and get going, girl!

Dear chicky,
I have been in an abusive relationship and i know how you feel although your husband sounds quite different from mine.

Yes, it's the same. He tries to change you..makes you feel your wrthless and responsible for all the ills in his life including the abuse. Thats NOT true. They are like that because of themselves....only they can help themselves.

I still live with my husband - he is taking counselling and though he is "otherwise" warm and romantic and whatever else i wanted, but i still do NOT know if it's the wisest thing to do.

Especially since you have baby, the wisest thing to do would be to leave him. If you are leaving please leave in secrecy and when he is not at home. Please go to a safe place.

People get into abusive relationships and stay in these relationships in an unconscious attempt to resolve childhood relationship problems with the parent or other caretaker.

Get into therapy if that is at all possible. Some therapists charge on a sliding scale. You indicated that your parents were willing to help, so, perhaps, they would assist you financially, especially if you don't place any blame on them or discuss with them your revelations in therapy.

Chicky,
Please do read this thread...maybe it will help. A lady who was in a similar situation as yours...

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=45407&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

what i forgot to mention is that whenever my husband gets upset and tries to leave I block his path and swear at his mother, hit im and threaten himwith a knife!! I know this might be why he gets upset. Could this make a man upset? All i tell him before he gets into a rage (before he hits me) is that his mother is a bitch, I hate her.

When i get really angry I get a knife and try to stab him with it. All of this before he has even lost his temper! When i notice that hes begining to get upset I say things that are hurtful. As he tries to walk away from the situation i lock the door to prevent him from leaving. That makes him REALLy angry. ANyways, i dont care. just as long as i get to say my thing to hurt him.

You've got to be kidding.

Gag thread? Hope you're having fun with your nonsense.