In Love with a Happily Married Man for Forty long years

Doomed, if you really loved this man, you'd be happy for his happiness. I think love means the other person's happiness is paramount.

You are more concerned about your own feelings than his.

You sound a great deal younger than you claim to be.

Signals / Flags:

The name she chose for herself: DOOMED

The title of her thread: In love (with someone I can't have because he's happily married to someone else . . . but even if I could have him, maybe I couldn't make him happy) for FORTY LONG YEARS.


History of Depression starting at an early age:




Overwhelming (manic) emotions:




Never free of the feeling of HUGE loss:




The NEED to feel overwhelming emotions:




Tying feelings of overwhelming suffering to joy and sense of self-esteem:




Overwhelming suffering, being doomed, and the HIGHER UNDERSTANDING that comes with suffering (which the lynch-pin of her self-esteem) has become the essense of who she is:



ALAS . . . her only consolation is that HE IS HAPPY . . . even though she isn't happy (signals thoughts of grandiosity through suffering).


The overwhelming need for the sparks that go with falling in love (but fade as love matures); inability to indulge in mature love that doesn't rely on overwhelming feelings of being in love:




Emphasis on unhappiness and sacrificing her own happiness so at least someone else will be happy (again, thoughts of grandiosity through suffering):




FORTY YEARS OF MANIC UNHAPPINESS . . . starting with depression at 13 years old . . .

I'm not an EXPERT . . . but perhaps counseling would be helpful?

Thank you for that, Montana.

Debra - I think your insights are really amazing.

Because I lacked both knowledge and resources I didn't start to get help for the depression until about 1987 (I was 35). I have since gone through years of therapies and medications. The main diagnosis is "disthymic (may be misspelled) disorder" - meaning a chronic kind of low-grade depression. It is punctuated with more acute depression, anxiety and panic attacks, and even suicidal ideation (once). So far, no treatment has relieved me enough so I can live normally for any length of time - although I've made some real progress.

What you say is so interesting because in the past few weeks I have gotten so fed up with not getting well, I stopped all medication just to see where I am. The first symptom to reappear was this feeling of physical anxiety - a kind of fluttery feeling in my chest, inability to concentrate, extreme irritability and sensitivity, and I can feel my heart beat all the time. It's as if I had just seen a ghost.

Coincidentally, just as you describe it - as "manic" - I started to think the "anxiety" does feel a lot like when one first falls in love - except that this is really unpleasant. I will be looking out for research that links these two emotions.

I had a good laugh about going to Wal-Mart. But, God help me, I guess I am "addicted to love," because going to Wal-Mart and that stuff feels like death to me. I'm 52 going on 13 - not a pretty sight. But, it makes sense, because part of what the depression has done is prevent me from growing up in some ways.

About suffering, just let me say I don't believe there is any virtue in it at all as a career - unless you are somebody like Jesus, and then people can debate that too.

Chai - Yes! I am reading "Love and Limerence" by Dorothy Tennov. She coined this term and uses it to mean unrequited love, more or less.

I am also reading a book whose premise is really exciting - that passion and domesticity can co-exist. It's: "Can Love Last?" by Stephen A. Mitchell

But, I swear, sometimes I think the more I learn the less I know.

Doomed
After reading your latest response, my heart truly goes out to you and I hope you can somehow find a way out of your own personal prison.

(((Hugs))))

I am in your situation but I guess it's not that long. I think most people in here would remembered exactly one year ago that I like this one guy in one of my college class, he so serious blah blah and he doesn't like me no matter what I do.
Well, one year past, I have not seen him ever since he graduated from the school. Yes, I still like him. Yes, I didn't date or have one single look at any other guys. Yes, I'm obsessed, crazy, what ever. I could careless what people think of me.
But some people in here is right. No one can get you out of this situation only yourself. If you fall and refuse to stand up, I don't think anyone here can pull you up for you.
Couseling? I HONESTLY don't think it's gonna work for SOMEONE that DOESN'T Listen and DOESN't want to Tried. It had to have a mutual, two people willing to work and solve things out. So I don't think we here calling her crazy or depression is really gonna help.
I wonder so you have not seen him for like 40 years right? Do you know where he is right now? You claim to love him right? Then his happiness should be put all above including yours.
Think about it, who knows, he might be married right now, Having kids or even grandkids. If you see him again, do you want to interfere with his life? If you say YES, then I can give you an ANSWER. YOU DON'T LOVE HIM, YOU JUST THINK OF HIM BECAUSE HE WAS SOMETHING THAT YOU LOST, SOMETHING THAT YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T NEVER HAVE, SOMETHING THAT YOU MAD AT YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU CANNOT WIN AT YOUR OWN GAME. I believe that some people claim to love someone just because they cannot have that person, if once that person is in your arm. I'm sure you will not treasure it.
And if I was in your situation which I am right now. I would not marry some other guy just because I want to forget someone. That's certainly not fair to HIM, to the kids and especially to your OWNSELF.
I seriously think that you should forget all about this. Do keep him in your heart though and I know he always going to be in there. But instead of beating and torturing your feelings like this, just be happy. Think of his happiness. If you love someone, you want them to be happy even if IT MEAN THAT HE IS NOT OR WILL NEVER BE WITH YOU.
Just let's it go, do something fun with your husband, maybe a vacation, forget all about this like it was just a dream, a very very long dream. Who knows, maybe you might find a spark with your husband again, afterall you did marry him, I'm sure there got to be some love in there. Guys can marry girl just for the heck of it, but girls only marry the guy they love. Maybe you do love your husband, you just don't know it yet.

I did contact him by e-mail a few years ago and I know how he's doing. He's very happily married, with a great family and business. When I think what a good life he has made for himself I am so proud of him and I am walking on air just thinking about it.

I couldn't agree with you more about being possesive and jealous. If somebody feels this way, it isn't really really love at all. I don't want to posses him like it was a game. And I don't secretly think he has feelings for me. But I did need to know he was OK.

To me his happiness comes before my own. That's why I won't go any farther than a few e-mails even though he doesn't live very far from me. I would never interfere with his life. I don't know if his wife loves him more than I do, but I'm pretty sure she loves him better than I could and that she makes him feel like a million bucks - which gives me a lot of comfort like you say it should.

To me it's just a fact of life - this man will be in my heart forever. I try to be happy. I really do. I have a lot to be grateful for. But it is hard. And I do love my husband. I just wish there was more passion there. We are trying.

Hey, thanks for your thoughts. I really appreciate them. As for your situation - it's probably little consolation, but at least you knew pretty quick where you stood with your guy. I'm sorry you had to have some heartbreak. I never told my lost love how I felt about him - so I never knew how he felt! Maybe he felt rejected by me! It's bad not knowing - but that's all in the past anyway, like you say.

You are good and sincere and I know you'll meet someone for you.