In Love with a Happily Married Man for Forty long years

I think this is carrying the concept of mournful, unrequited love WAY TOO FAR.

I bet if you actually had this guy--you would find out that you really don't want him. It's just the fantasy of him that you cling to.

So long as you lust and mourn for the love that wasn't and can never be (so long as you live in a fantasy world), then you don't have to take responsibility for actually living in the real world. I guess this has "worked" for you for forty years--but I can guarantee you that living in the real world would be a whole lot more fullfilling.

Doomed
You've missed out on so much love, simply because you couldn't have this one man and this makes me feel very sorry for you :-(

Debra and Montana,
Thanks for your replies.
Well, I did the best I could. I've had many good, long-term relationships. Currently I'm married to a man who adores me. I have done many things, have a degree, do writing and art, have family and a few close friends, have all the money and time anyone could ask for. I have not shut anything out. I have loved and been loved. Still, the loss of my one true love on this earth is something so huge I shall never be free of it. I tried once - I prayed to God to take my feelings for him away. And God did! I walked around in a very serene state. After a while I realized I wasn't feeling anything! This was too maddening. You are too young to realize that some mistakes you make, some experiences you will have will end up being bigger than you can imagine. This is probably a good thing or it would be too scary to live! And live we must. Sometimes I wonder if there is value in suffering as well as joy. I have a lot of empathy for others and a deeper understanding of human emotions. Would I trade this understanding for a chance to be with the object of my affection? I sure would! But then, it would be hard, as I see you find it, to understand how deeply we can be affected by events. I guess it's the human condition we all live with. You should be happy and enjoy life. I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone. My only consolation is this guy has a pretty happy life and that is something. Maybe I couldn't have made him happy anyway. Yes, we should all live life to it's fullest so we have no regrets! How I would love to talk to you 40 years from now! This guy I love is not handsome or rich or even that educated. He's not a "fantasy" type that way. Oh well, I hope you fall in love and it has a happy outcome.

You need to either **** or get off the pot. If you can't love your husband the way he deserves to be loved, you should divorce him. How fair is it to the man who loves you deeply that you love someone else more? I have no sympathy for you because you've made your bed. Now sleep in it with the man you married or find another bed.

all i can say is

Huh?

Well, thanks for thinking I'm too young to understand--but you're wrong. I'm in my late forties. And, I believe Montana also hit the forty mark. So, you don't necessarily own the corner on age and wisdom (but you somehow think you do).

You have made it a career to drown yourself in the agony of unrequited love. You think this self-imposed suffering somehow gives you special powers of empathy and compassion. You think other women who fall in love and have a "happy outcome" aren't as good or as wonderful as you are--after all, you have the superior "understanding" that comes with losing the "one" and having to live with it for forty years. You're deluding yourself. But, it's the way of life that you have chosen--it's quite dramatic with the self-aggrandizement that goes with it and one needs hip boots to wade through that pile.

good answer debra!

I feel deep sadness for people who need to suffer endlessly in order to feel alive or important. If they get rid of the suffering--what's left? If suffering is the foundation that they have built their entire lives upon, I guess there's not much inner substance left when the suffering is gone. That's sad, truly sad.

Thank you all so much. I'm going to divorce my husband and forget my old love and just start a new life and be happy and get over myself. Keep up the good work.

There you go. Good luck with that ;-)

Before I go, I'd like to add that I've been in love several times in my life, so I do know a thing or two about love.
There are a select few of the loves in my life that I will love forever, but the difference is that I am no longer "in" love with them.
One of them died last week and my heart is breaking. He was the father of my son and I will miss him, even though we haven't gotten along in years. I loved him, but it's been a long time since I've been in love with him.

My point is that I couldn't imagine being with someone when I'm "in love" with someone else.
When I'm in a relationship with someone, I'm certainly not longing for someone else and I feel very sorry for your husband. While he's giving you all his love, you're heart is going out to another man and my heart breaks for him.

It must be terrible for him having to be the person you settled for :-(

If you did that, then you wouldn't be "Doomed" anymore. You wouldn't be doomed to a loveless marriage; you wouldn't be doomed to feeling "in love" with a man you can't have; you wouldn't be doomed to a life of suffering. But, you have made suffering the total essense of YOU all on the basis of a crush you formed on some man when you were 13 years old. Doomed, doomed, doomed. Why would you change? You enjoy being "Doomed" way too much.

I was being sarcastic. Frankly, I thought your answers were mean, thoughtless, condecending, insulting, insensitive, glib, very defensive, and some are just plain nuts. Sorry, no matter what a mess my life is, I don't think I deserve this abuse - even if it is just a dumb internet forum.

This is not abuse, this is fact!

More like smug self-aggrandizement.

Dont ask for information you cant handle.

The statements here only piss you off because they hit a nerve of truth.

don't mind me, I'll just sit in the dark with this dry crust of bread

while all of you go find nice little boyfriends have babies and a wonderful life.



Now THAT's sarcasm.

I can't stand when people ask for the truth but get pissed when you give it to them.

yup


but we are just a stupid forum anyways..
what do we know. ;-)

can i have some bread chai?