My partner thinks I'm not working enough

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So my partner and I agreed from the beginning to keep our finances mostly separate because we have children from previous relationships with different financial needs. We have individual bank accounts where we deposit money from our jobs. We also one shared bank account where we transfer money from our individual bank accounts to pay for our bills. We each put in an equal amount for our bills.

My partner has a fulltime 40hr a week job. I had a fulltime 40hr a week job too. In addition to that I was working on my off hours on a side business. Since my side business was doing very well I decided to focus on that more and quit my regular job. I have streamlined things at my side business so that I only have to work 4-6 hours a week on it.

It's been really great having so much more time to focus on my hobbies and spend time with my daughter. However my partner is upset that he is always working and I am free most of the week to do whatever. He thinks that's unfair for him and the kids. He says I should take up part time job so that he can take less hours at work and have more time to spend with his kids. I don't think that's fair though because I used to work a lot more than 40hrs a week to build my business and get to where I am now and I am contributing equally to our bills.

It sort of feels like he is hinting he wants to change our separate financials arrangement. I don't want to because the reasoning still makes sense and it would take away money and time I could be putting towards my daughter.

I guess I don't really have a specific question. I just want to see what other people think about this situation.

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@barbstar,

Well, I think you're right. What does it matter how many hours you're working as long as you're continuing with your financial agreement? You used to work more hours than your partner, and now you're working less. He's just envious.

How would you taking up a part-time job enable him to take spend less hours at work? Is he suggesting you contribute the earnings of your part-time job to him?

I wouldn't go for that stinking deal at all. If he wants to work less hours, that's up to him to figure out.

1 Reply

@barbstar,

Envy is a green-eyed monster.

Stop assuming the "hints" and ask him directly what the issues are.

1 Reply

@Mame,

More like he wants me to put the money from a part time job into the account for paying the bills, so he wouldn't have to pay as much, but I guess that's essentially the same thing.

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@barbstar,

He wasn't complaining about money; he was complaining about time, so I didn't see how his comments were pertinent. Do you? He doesn't like that you've figured out to have more fun, family, and free time. He's competitive.

What if you were independently wealthy to begin with - would he resent you not working?

1 Reply

@Mame,

No but he might resent her for not lightening his work load.

This is not about money purely, that's for sure.

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@bobsal u1553115,

I had a direct talk with him about it last night and along with me going back to work he admitted he does also want to combine our finances now to help make things more equal between all the kids.

1 Reply

@barbstar,

It's an opening point. He's at least open to an understanding.

Work out the common ground first and take the sticking points one at a time. If there's a rock in the road, table that issue and move on to the next one.

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@bobsal u1553115,

There isn't any common ground on this issue though.

1 Reply

@barbstar,

He showed movement by admitting he feels he isn't putting enough resources in to allow the children equity. Is there a quid pro quo that he see's himself offering that would balance what his wanting you to put in more hours?

Common ground is what you two agree on to bring a result. Common ground can be the ultimate goals of your partnership. The issues are how you get there. What is his real issue for thinking you need to work more hours: more money, more time for him, is one of the goals that you both bring home equal shares?

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@bobsal u1553115,

He didn't offer anything in return for me going back to work. To be honest I don't think there is anything he could offer to make it worth it to go back to work.

2 Replies

@barbstar,

What is he trying to accomplish by getting you back to work?

Popping your balloon or something of substance: more money/less hours at work for him? Do you work out of your home?

If this issue is locked in impasse, will it rupture the relationship?

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@barbstar,

"he admitted he does also want to combine our finances now to help make things more equal between all the kids."

That's movement.

1 Reply

@bobsal u1553115,

He wants to work less hours. Yes, I work from home.

I'm not honestly sure at this point.

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@bobsal u1553115,

Yeah, but it's movement in an even worse direction for me than the just going back to work thing on it's own.

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@barbstar,

How long have you been together and how long have you lived together?

How many children does he have? How old are they? Do they live with you? Where is their mother in all of this? Does she have money? Does she spend time with them?

How old is your daughter?

Does he want to spend more time with them AND have you basically subsidize them? Does he really want to spend more time with them or is he just jealous that you've managed to provide for you and your daughter on way less working hours?

Is he making enough money to provide for them?

Two issues here and not enough background.

1 Reply

@Mame,

We first started seeing each other around 6-7 years ago. We started living together around 4 years ago.

He has two children. A girl aged 14 and a boy age 11. They live with us one night a week. They live with their mother the rest of the time.

My daughter is 12

I mean I wouldn't doubt there's not some jealousy, but he does definitely want to be able to take more time off work so he can spend more time with his kids.

He always pays his child support on time and their expenses when they stay with us.

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@barbstar,

First of all, thanks for the info. So, they stay with him one night a week and Mom is supporting them financially, as well.

I still don't see how you working less hours enables him to see his kids more often since they live with Mom. Can he see them on weekends? If he wants more time with his kids, he needs to speak with Mom. Maybe they can stay over more nights? Or every other weekend? This is not your problem.

He needs to stop being a jealous baby and live with what is. Or figure out what his issue is and address that appropriately (with the right person).

Do the kids even want more time with him?? Lotsa questions!

1 Reply

@barbstar,

Your questions are answered: he will not budge, you're basically living separately in the same house. It's not working for you and it's not working for him.

Maybe it is time to part now as amicably as possible.

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@barbstar,

He just wants you to pay for him to slack. Not good.

1 Reply

My partner thinks I'm not working enough

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