political jokes

this one is about the then prime ministers of india and pakistan (maybe i shoudl post it in the "india or pakistan' thread lol )


once after a week long international summit, on the last evening (before all the premiers left for their respective countries the next morning), Raviv Gandhi and Zia-ul-Haq, started having a non-political conversation. They talked of cricket, films, music, and other light stuff, and finally came to hobbies.

rajiv gandhi said - "my hobby is to collect the jokes people tell about me. do you have any hobbies" ??

Zia replied - " yes i do. i collect the people who tell jokes about me!! "

A true story from the Japanese Embassy in US:

Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English
conversation training before he visits Washington
and meets with President Bill Clinton.
The instructor told Mori " Prime Minister, when you
shake hand with President Clinton, please say
'how are you'. Then Mr Clinton should say
"I am fine, and you ?" Now you should say 'me too'.
Afterwards we translators will do all the work for you."

It looks quite simple, but the truth is ................

When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You ?".
Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react
with humor : "Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha ha..."
Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, ha ha ha.."
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.

Sharon sits down with Arafat at the beginning of negotiations regarding the resolution of the conflict. Sharon requests that he be allowed to begin with a story.

Arafat replies, "Of course."

Sharon begins his story: "Years before the Israelites came to the Promised Land and settled here, Moses led them for 40 years through the desert. The Israelites began complaining that they were thirsty and, lo and behold, a miracle occurred and a stream appeared before them. They drank their fill and then decided to take advantage of the stream to do some bathing -- including Moses. When Moses came out of the water, he found that all his clothing was missing.

"Who took my clothes?" Moses asked those around him.

"It was the Palestinians," replied the Israelites--"

"Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately, "there were no Palestinians during the time of Moses!"

"All right," replies Sharon, "Now that we've got that settled, let's begin our negotiations."

President Clinton was shocked one December day when he walked outside the White House and saw someone had pee'd "Clinton sucks!" in the freshly fallen snow.

Clinton immediatly called the Secret Service and said, "I want to know who is responsible for this, NOW!"

About 4 hours later, the head of the Secret Service called Clinton and said, "We know who urinated the message. You'd better sit down for this, Mr. President. We analyzed the urine and found it to be that of Al Gore."

Clinton exclaimed, "Well that son of a....."

The Secret Service Director then said, "Well that's not the worst part, Mr. President. We analyzed the handwriting also and found it to be that of your wife Hillary."

hillary's at home and clinton in the white house.

she phones him


hillary - "you bastard, you've made me pregnant"
clinton - " er.. who's this??"






lawyer to clinton (pointing at lewinsky, seconds after she'd made a statement) -

lawyer - WAS SHE LYING ??

clinton - NO SHE WAS ON HER KNEES !!

in 1991, after the fall of ussr, a 93 year old man was asked the following -

"sir, you have seen the rise and fall of communism in front of your eyes. whats the difference between capitalism and communism?? "

he replied -
"in capitalism, man cheats man.
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in communism, its the other way round"

last night the president Reagan's personal library was burnt down in a fire. both the books were damaged. he hadn't finished colouring one of them !!







Ronnie and Nancy go to a restaurant and the waiter approaches:

Waiter: what you you like this evening ma'am?

Nancy: I'll have the chicken.

Waiter: What kind of dressing would you like for your salad?

Nancy: Thousand Island

Waiter: What kind of soup would you like?

Nancy: Vegetable Beef.

Waiter: And for the vegetable?

Nancy: He'll have the same.

THE DIFFERENCE:


Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water Bed

Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore

Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No difference

Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him and saying "He's the one"

Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot

Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on a Ho

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her

LADIN AND BUSH ON MSN:

BinLaden9151: hello??
XprezbushX: who is this!!!11111 a/s/l
BinLaden9151: osama
XprezbushX: thats a funny name
BinLaden9151: at least its not bush lol
XprezbushX: shut up
BinLaden9151: did u get my message
XprezbushX: whut message
BinLaden9151: u know, my message
BinLaden9151: it wuz delivered by airmail
BinLaden9151: right into ur trade towers
XprezbushX: shut up that wasnt funny!!!!111111
BinLaden9151: lol
XprezbushX: SHUT UP!!!! :X
BinLaden9151: r u mad
XprezbushX: yah
BinLaden9151: why??????
XprezbushX: u messed with my country
BinLaden9151: well now u know how i feel
XprezbushX: whut do u mean
BinLaden9151: other countries and forces hurt my people all the time
XprezbushX: hello!!! whut duz that have 2 do with us
BinLaden9151: like u give guns and money and missiles and stuff 2 a lot of those people
XprezbushX: oic
XprezbushX: but ur terrorists, how can u speak out against violence
BinLaden9151: jeez u label anybody who goes against injustice a
terrorist
BinLaden9151: i bet if u were picking on my little brother and i
punched u youd start screaming TERRORIST! TERRORIST!
XprezbushX: i never touched ur little brother
XprezbushX: besides there r other, more civilized ways 2 battle
injustice
BinLaden9151: ur missing the point
XprezbushX: whutz the point anyway
BinLaden9151: i love my people like brothers and ur military is all
up in our holy land!!! 1
BinLaden9151: its pissing us off
XprezbushX: whatever dude
XprezbushX: is that all
BinLaden9151: no
BinLaden9151: imperialistic american globalization is a raging
torrent thats going to wash away our borders, our cultures and our identities
XprezbushX: whut u mean???!!!111111
BinLaden9151: im afraid that tomorrow im going to wake up and see a mcdonalds next to my mosque
BinLaden9151: and ur troops will be like, relax yall, just have a
happy meal!!
XprezbushX: so whut r u wearing
BinLaden9151: ???
XprezbushX: sorry wrong window lol
BinLaden9151: lol
XprezbushX: ok so whut were u saying
BinLaden9151: like
BinLaden9151: basically
BinLaden9151: a lot of all the jets and tanks and gunships that
terrorize us might as well be painted red, white and blue
XprezbushX: a/s/l
BinLaden9151: ???
XprezbushX: sorry wrong window again
XprezbushX: hello r u there
BinLaden9151: YESS!!
XprezbushX: u started all this anyway
BinLaden9151: did not!
XprezbushX: u did too!
BinLaden9151: u started it!!
XprezbushX: lalalala
XprezbushX: i cant hear u
BinLaden9151: i will make ur life a living hell
XprezbushX: haha ur acting like a 13 year old girl who just got her phone taken away
BinLaden9151: shut up
BinLaden9151: ur immature
XprezbushX: relax, have a happy meal lol
BinLaden9151: ARRRGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!11
XprezbushX: i think our blind rage is obscuring solutions--can we set aside our feelings and just talk about this like civilized
humans??

If World War 2 was fought on a gamers forum:

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0J0: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]: sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got crap to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: Eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0J0: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right biznitch im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler[AoE]: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj paTTon
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF Eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny-tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny-tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy sh*tholysh*thoylshti!!!111
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bullsh*t u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny-tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny-tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny-tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

awesome just awesome !!


icdintally i liked the bits like "*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi "

more....hahahah....

Lenin showed us how to govern. Stalin showed us how not to govern. Khrushchev showed us that any fool can govern. And Brezhnev showed us that not every fool can govern.

(from the net)

Why does Nancy Reagan always climb on top?
Because Ronnie can only screw up.


THIS ONE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST JOKE -
The word "politics" is derived from the words "poly" meaning many, and the word "tics" meaning blood sucking parasites.



What does Bill Clinton tell his wife after sex?
I'll be home in twenty minutes.



Stalin informed Beria that his phone was missing. The next day
Stalin told Beria that the phone was found.

'But I've already arrested 25 people regarding this matter, and they all
admitted to the crime!' said Beria.

We, as a country, have been indeed very fortunate to have the various Presidential libraries as a repository for the invaluable records of in depth research. Future historians will be able to study at:

The Gerald Ford Library

The Jimmy Carter Library

The Ronald Reagan Library

The George Bush Library

and the newest one is:

The Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore

Well, I guess they had to call it something!

After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up with a phrase to describe the Clinton era. It will be called: "Sex between the Bushes".

FAIR AND BALANCED




God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him,
resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"



God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."




Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "And I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.



God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things." God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"



"Ah," said God, "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."

I think Stalin was given a bit too short shrift in that gamers thing... ;-)

LOL.