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I’m in my late twenties, engaged, and Mom doesn’t want me to move out. Is this normal?

 
 
Reply Wed 12 Apr, 2023 10:59 am
To provide some background, my parents have been financially struggling badly for many years since my late teenage years. I am now in my late twenties, work a full-time job and even a small side hustle (doing billing work for a small company), to make a life of my own. I try and support around the house the best that I can, such as groceries, housecare, etc.

During the pandemic, I moved back in with my parents. By the way, they are incredible parents, and raised me extremely well despite all of the tragic challenges they have been through in their lives. My dad is an amazing man.

Specifically, my mom however, is a very selfish person, and thinks that the world should revolve around her wants and needs first. She does not consider my own self-actualization when I say I want to move out to live with my fiancé, get married, and have some kids by the time (or around the time) that I hit my early 30’s.

She wants my own life to be on “her timeline”, which is incredibly frustrating and infuriating. Due to her financial struggles, she is trying to find some relief by the end of this year, so she is asking me to stay living in the house for the next 2 years (by that time, I will be 30…) until she gets her financial assistance. She says I am “physically needed” to help with my parents’ crippled cat (which, by the way, is morbidly obese because she feeds her cheese, human food, pizza, whenever she wants…) and someone needs to help provide medications and exercise to the cat when she’s busy at an appointment or out.

My fiancé told her that he would happily pay for a cat-sitter to help with the cat once I moved out. I love that cat dearly, so it actually pains me on the inside that my parents overfed her and didn’t care for her obesity or health, due to my mom’s selfish/“I do whatever I want” attitude. My mom said it was “selfish of her daughter” (me) to even thinking about moving out when I am needed to help with the family pet and around the house. I even told her I’d still help financially and send money when needed as they are struggling.

My mom also complains about her lack of sleep and exhaustion, but she “babies”/infantilizes my younger brother (early twenties) who works in construction during odd hours (extremely early morning shifts). It is insane to me that she treats him like he is a 10-year-old boy. This irritates me beyond belief, but she literally wakes up according to his schedule (sometimes at 4AM in the morning), helps to style his hair (I am serious), picks out his clothes for the day, and makes his breakfast and lunch. My poor sibling just goes along with it because he is a very complacent and laid-back person. Then my mother complains that she is sleep-deprived, and I am taking care of my parents’ obese cat, who has trouble walking, and requires support and supplements. It’s so hard for me not to be angry…

I think my mother feels bad that my brother helps with so many bills around the house, so she infantilizes him, but in the end, this is hurting his independence and adulthood as a man. She also calls him everyday, asks him what he is doing at work, and even suggests to him how he should talk to his coworkers or “help to run the operations” - she always has to say what “she” would do, and not respect privacy or boundaries.

I love my mother dearly, but is it NORMAL to be this controlling and self-centered as a mother? I feel immense shame and guilt wanting to move to a new town with my fiancé because my parents are financially poor and struggling at this time. But also, I am almost 30 and I want to add more joy and adventure into my life.

Does anyone understand what I am experiencing? Please kindly let me know or provide some advice. Thank you guys SO MUCH for reading my post!
 
Mame
 
  3  
Reply Wed 12 Apr, 2023 12:03 pm
@Throwawayunicorn2023,
No, it's not normal. In some cultures, it seems this happens more than in others, so it may be a cultural thing.

You are never going to please your mother and I doubt she needs your help as much as she says. Just move out already. Go and live your own life. Her two years will turn into five, then five more. Get out of there and enjoy yourself! You don't owe her anything more than what you're already doing.

It is NOT normal. In my day, most of us left home just after high school graduation. We got jobs, put ourselves through school, and lived our own lives. I was a mother at your age. Our parents did not expect us to live with them until we got married. Most parents were happy to see their children living independently.

Good luck!
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
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Reply Thu 13 Apr, 2023 08:42 am
@Throwawayunicorn2023,
Your mom wants your sweet, sweet moolah.

Take the cat and leave.
0 Replies
 
bobsal u1553115
 
  2  
Reply Thu 13 Apr, 2023 04:32 pm
Listen to Jespah. You cannot save them, but you can save yourself.
0 Replies
 
 

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