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Have Relationships Become One-Sided?

 
 
Wed 25 Jan, 2023 01:45 pm
This could be applicable to any kind of relationship, whether it's romantic or platonic. Especially since I've had plenty of friendships that were once so close, I don't think I could feel closer to anyone even if I got married oneday.

The thing is, I've had a discussion or two with a couple of friends within recent weeks about relationships, particularly romantic ones. I'm sure we've all been there at some point, because there's scarcely been a human being who hasn't wondered "Will I get married oneday?" at some point in their life. It doesn't mean they will or won't, but it is important for everyone to ask themselves that question.

For the most part, I've been very fortunate because I've never had to fend off unwanted pursuits and I can't say I've ever had that much trouble with men, or much of anyone really. Especially since for the most part, I've always been on my best behavior with only a few exceptions, (everyone makes mistakes or acts out at some point, right?) and I tend to stay out of places that might be potentially dangerous or attract unsavory types.

And yet, there was one time when I did apparently attract the attention of one person, who I think started hanging around me a little simply because he and my dad were sorta-buddies during one very brief period of time, but even they never saw each other again. And for a time, the guy (despite being way too old for me) kept sorta acting like we were already boyfriend and girlfriend, and kept offering me a ride and even bought me a soda once or twice.

Yet he never asked me anything about myself. He never asked how my family as doing, he never tried to open up any discussion about the future or what I was thinking or feeling about anything, etc. He just seemed to believe I was supposed to be impressed because he got his teeth fixed, he could sing to me a little, and he could drive me around and buy me a soda. And he seemed to feel there was already something going on between us.

When I finally made it quite clear I just wasn't interested, he acted really mad and went away. Except for one time in passing, I haven't seen him since.

But... I also feel I am guilty of doing similar. Let's just say I once had the hugest crush on a guy who wasn't interested. And in retrospect, I never did that much to get to know him or even consider if a relationship would even be the best thing for either of us. Yet I ended up having a mental breakdown when it was made clear nothing would ever happen between us.

When I discussed all of this with a friend, she said that many people are raised to believe that they are looking to get into a relationship for themselves, not themselves and their partner. And that people can, sometimes anyway, have poor relationship-building skills because they aren't taking all factors into consideration. (I suppose this is part of why divorces sometimes happen, too.)

The key thing I keep puzzling over is that I have heard that, back in my Grandparents' generation in particular, people tended to at least *CLAIM*, when I was a kid, that people knew how to do relationships right back in the day. People would apparently stick it out better, tough it out, and knew what commitment really meant.

I am wondering, to anyone who might be reading this, if you feel there is some truth to this claim or if you instead feel that relationships have always had their problems. If things truly were different in decades past, then what was the turning point? What changed?

Thing is, I have even witnessed problems in my own parents' relationship at a key point in time, particularly when they became a bit too self-isolating and individualistic, and they allowed themselves to grow apart. The only way that could be repaired was by confronting a lot of neglected/ignored issues, learning to communicate better, and learning to compromise.

And I'm not entirely sure if I will ever be the type to get into a relationship or have a successful one, especially since I often tend to become infatuated with people who just aren't into me. But... I also feel like, at least subconsciously, I have bought into this mindset a little that if you like someone enough, it will work out, without even discussing it with the other person or... thinking of the other person.

Perhaps part of this could be blamed on our rather materialistic society/culture, too. It's so easy to go to a store and get whatever you want in some cases (if you have the money, at least!) but for some reason, sometimes anyway, it can be hard to separate a person from objectification... depending on various things about the situation, too. Every situation is unique.

So... does anyone have any thoughts/insights? ^^;
 
PoliteMight
 
  -3  
Tue 31 Jan, 2023 11:24 am
@Lenoralawn,
A one-sided relationship in most cases is called a co-dependent relationship.
Meaning one person needs the other person more then they need them.
For whatever reason the other person works with that persons goal.
A dependent ( ideal ) relationship is where both people need each other
for whatever reason. I met tons of people of both nature and it is hard
to actually see. In my book somebody has kids and I do not have kids it is
over and I am not going to touch them because of that lack of equality
between us. However some will argue "love" and "mistake" then will just
pair up with somebody because of the previous people they have associated
with.

Sometimes you have things called power-couples, or open-relationships.
Where a man and woman needs each other to bare "ideal" children or because
maybe they are LGBT and just wants to look straight on paper. Or because
harry needs sally of some sort for some reason. Like he have his and she have
hers.

It is okay to be friends with somebody, or even be close with them. YOu do not
have to sleep with them at all. Yes sex or making out might happen but that
still does not mean you could have a relationship with them. I have "clients" I
almost ended sleeping wih. I have been inside there apartments, houses, workplace, and even shared the rest-rooms, and changing areas. They have literally stripped off. I try to keep things business but many of them wants companionship or some sorta scandal in their lives.

`In your "Grandparents generation" is basically like this. Hey I am ____ friend. So ______ would get married because they were ______ with them. He have his and she have hers. People would sleep in seperate beds. Usually this came from religious practices. Even many of the colonial houses would often have men on one-side and women on the other side. Or grandparents on one side and young family on the other. The reality is that people stuck to their marital vows. That is the reason why. However it does not mean people would not reason to separate.

My grandma seperated from her husband because he was upset all the time. He could not bare the fact his wife was not a virgin and had a child before him. That usually is the killer of any relationship starting at all. Some guys will not touch a woman knowing she have a boyfriend. Point being is that beyond that they would have been together but time passed and it was another scenario all together.

Our parents generation ( the 1969ers ) you have these counter-culture-occult types mixing in with the born-again-Christian-squares. They got married and many relationships got rocky. Some people eventually just have an "open-relationship" as I mentioned before. A great example is this man who divorced his wife after he found out his grown-up children was not his at all. Imagine raising children that was not yours.

About men/boys/guys etc. We are love. Men will do just about
everything to anything for a woman. That is why the world functions the way it is. If not some kind of escape from this reality then to have as much of this world as possible. A man is not homeless because he does not want to be. He simply choose the alternative is pointless. The only reason why that man does not kill is because he still respects ( brainwashed/ingrained/implanted ) is god.

A truth is that most people do not know how to function as a continuing adult outside of being a teenager. Chances are people go through life being damaged and still dress up in the same uniform from grade school, but are fat, face has wrinkles, and possibly balding. They can not deal with being old at all. That is the difference. The most fun they had was when they were teenagers and for our generation we have to live in our twentys, thrities, and possibly our forties because of their selfishness.

What is different is the living situation. In my household we have to leave, pretend our parents are worth anything. Just to have sex inside an over-priced apartment, and eventually keep that job that is not worth our education, and whatever happens next happens. Usually the idea is people have no clue or what direction they are going into at all. Having parents who will give money to the person that does not need it, and pretend "that child is good I need to be there friend" to siblings ( who are pregnant and at home ) looking to use that person like a resource. Families being raised by lazy but functioning parents, who would rather burn their money into any other direction but their children. Take Alyssa Funke who shot-herself on her parents boat. The ultimate truth is that her parents would rather purchase the boat then pay for her college tuition, she opt to do pornography to pay for her college tuition. The propaganda tries to ignore the fact her parents was selfish and play the bully card but what the media/propaganda is trying to do is make pornography more acceptable and not promote families to actually work together. Nope. Bottom-line those same parents ( our ) parents would rather just pretend they do not have children and possibly start another family, to even dropping
their own parents into nursing homes. Our parents just do not care, nore make the investments at all into our lives. They have no game-plan, and no direction for their ( us ) children in life. Marraige is a business and is not about love, and children are also a type of business as well. In an ideal home setting the parents have matrons, maids, butlers, body-guards, and so many more. The parents would still be like children running around partying, going to adult parties, getting drunk, driving around like mad-people, and so forth. Then the kids would all be sent to private schools, and given an idea education in which they would take over the family business or start their own business, and decent work-life. No we have parents who look to the government to educate us, who looks to the government to provide income/jobs. Who looks to the government and tell the kids to conform, and pretend to be happy, and pretend to accept disrespect from people with lower education, and tell them to be slaves. But people are not slaves, and are not going to accept disrespect at all. People bite-back in the wort possible ways. I am not talking about Social-justice-losers via feminism, or LGBT, or people hiding behind their religion ( like how Israel bombed an apartment building of innocent families over two hundred people dead ). I am talking about somebody playing "Little-Red-Hen" or "Little Blue Engine" and then letting those people they called "parents", "neighbors", "citizens" all suffer. It is like how Carl Icahn literally "invited" all his employees to move to Florida with a big raise. When in reality he is leaving NYC because he wants to retire early not due to COVID-19 but due to BLM-protests. He knows and lacks faith the city will recover in the short-life-span of his life, so he would rather "Jump-ship". That is what parents ( our parents ) have been doing to us forever. They just want to jump-ship and many have jump-ship in some other form or another. It is like the loser trying to be/look "Cool" when in reality they themselves are losers in the bunch/gang/crew/party and everybody is only with them as a resource or to fuel their ego/imagination. That is what is wrong with parents. Sell the house and divorce/separated and then start a new family and pretend the other family never happen.

About people. I am going to say the ultimate truth about all people. We are all selfish, and that is never corrected. Their is no such thing as Charity, because a charity ( lawfully in USA ) has to only use %10 of it's funds for it's work and the rest could be to the owner, or whoever purpose of the charity itself. In fact Charities could be listed as tax-write-offs. Bare in mind many people whom call themselves Phalantrapists are not "heavan-providers". People literally live off their charities from usage of buildings, vehicles, and food from hosting events, doing tv-spots, and many more. All in favor of making them look like
if they are anything that is "considered good". People like Hillary and Trump who clearly are sick-twisted-animalist-sex-addicts flaunting their wealth in your face while your still trying to figure out how to turn a door-knob like a dog with it's teeth. Every once in a while somebody gives birth to a self-less person and that is the person who ultimately suffers. They know what is right from wrong and the moment they realize "hey all these people are evil" they become the evil-doer. It is like what McAfee said "I am inside here because I am free, your outside because you do what your told and accept what is allowed"
despite that. That is why you have people with $100,000 a year income and they are unable to live any kind of normal life at all. They just want to run away, from everything to anything. They are locked into a prison ( called employement ), not because they have the sheepskin but because the employer allows them to work there. They could have the same sheepskin and find out "they are not welcome" or rather put "time to leave" mentality pitted against against them. Why? because they are not following the crowd. They are not selfish. They are self-less.


About materialism. People have goals and then their is gold. You need gold to get to goals. Same reason why we have the automobile or airplane. People was free to think and able to be creative. Via funding sources or access to tools people are creative and able to do and make. The bigger problem is the migration period of the 1970's. United States had a lazy-bum problem, and wanted people to shut-up, and by that are the hippy ( politically minded ) and racism ( especially Black/Negros/African decent etc ). So you know what the US did? Just offered free housing and high wages to immigrant employers. Just as with BLM, and COVID-19 they are doing the same thing. By the dozens tons to desperate, penniless slaves from Latin-Americas, and Eastern Europe ready to accept discrimination, sexism, racism, and all they care about is upholding a job for the sake of having job. Tons of slaves from the West Indies, India, and other ideal European ( white ) people to fill the gaps. Have you not been reading the news. We need workers, we need employees. COVID has left us with nothing but the "negros" and they ( the racist ) do not want to accept equality of any sort at all. They reather have people live in fear and be
like omgsh it is a black man, who is standing up right, or a Christian who think they are better or equal to a Jew. We need to hold them down, we need to shave their heads off, we need to makeup their faces, we need to keep them
in the dark, without knoweldge, without education, and have them brainwashed with SJW, LGBT, and spend jail time. Then of course looming in the background are the Han-Chinese, Indians, Arabs, and all the other selfish people who keeps normality and functionality from peoples lives. An endlesss insanity of "Chinese Checkers", and fish eats tail, of the other fish, and the human-centerpiede being deemed normal. You could choose to worship crap
which makes you normal like a house-wife waiting for her husband coming from his high paying job, or be a minimalist and keep your bank account filled, and make the right investments. The ultimate point I am trying to make is that
You have been brainwashed from a child to want garbage and make garbage. That is all that there is in life. Without any respect for anybody or any real appreciation for anything. Again with materialism. People was brought
into the United States to replace those people who was Hippies ( political mindset ) and Negros. Those people would work and live in the ghettos ( places where nobody wants to be or is forgotten about AKA where people from other
nations live in the same way of that nation ) only to purchase their big mansion/house in another state, or nation. Nowadays some of these houses that was worth nothing ( because of the area ) is now worth millions, and people are charging high rent for their "investments". A great example is I went to college with a person from Africa. She said "If she had a million dollars she would go back to Africa and open a business and never look back". That is why we have people who are ready to sell their land because they are not from our land. If all the so called Zionist was to move to Israel and take everything with them, within years they would be penniless because most of the income is
coming from US shores. That is why materialism has taken over peoples lives. Same with various economies. China built a great big mall and realized that local Chinese are not buying or spending money. Why?
Medusax
 
  -1  
Sat 4 Feb, 2023 10:42 pm
@PoliteMight,
[About men/boys/guys etc. We are love. Men will do just about
everything to anything for a woman. ]


WHHAAATTTT?????? Not by ANY stretch.
0 Replies
 
Leadfoot
 
  2  
Sun 5 Feb, 2023 08:34 am
@Lenoralawn,
Quote:
I am wondering, to anyone who might be reading this, if you feel there is some truth to this claim or if you instead feel that relationships have always had their problems. If things truly were different in decades past, then what was the turning point? What changed?

Figuratively speaking, this is your grandfather talking.

Nothing has changed. As a reader of ancient writers I can tell you that nothing has ever changed in the realm of human relationships, at least since the invention of writing. We all have or will, experience the phenomena you wrote about and I see nothing that will change them until this global society comes to an end.

But the significant thing in your writing is the inability of virtually every individual to 'get outside themselves' long enough to be genuinely interested in other lives. I think the reason is that people are afraid of finding that the other is just as empty as they themselves feel, that there really is nothing inside them to discover, other than our own 'need' for them.

The tragedy is that there probably is something inside them (and you) that is well worth exploring. We are just too preoccupied with our own insecurities and too afraid that we might discover that there is nothing worth talking about inside them, or us.
Lenoralawn
 
  0  
Sun 5 Feb, 2023 04:42 pm
@Leadfoot,
Yeah, I will admit that one mistake I've often made over the years is that I've tried to find myself in other people. Though in my case, I think it's because I kinda got ignored a lot, plus due to unchecked mental issues, sometimes it felt like I was trying to survive in a sea of mental and emotional chaos by latching onto anything I could grab onto... or anyone.

Somehow it also seemed like I developed a habit of constantly trying to filter myself through someone else, and maybe I felt like... if there was someone I admired, I was hoping I could oneday be just like them.

I do find it interesting the way you said that people are afraid to look at others beyond what they need, because maybe they're afraid of finding others as empty as themselves. Cuz I found that maybe I've done some variation of that, where I place someone on a pedestal, I want them to be my everything, and I guess I also want them to live up to whatever expectations I place on them.

In a way, maybe a lot of us are guilty of falling in love with an imaginary friend that only exists in our minds, yet we project it onto the object of our affections... or whatever we can find to latch onto that closely SEEMS to fit the bill for whatever we need, or at least think we want.
Leadfoot
 
  1  
Mon 6 Feb, 2023 10:32 am
@Lenoralawn,
Quote:
sometimes it felt like I was trying to survive in a sea of mental and emotional chaos by latching onto anything I could grab onto... or anyone.

Understanding the true context of your existence is absolutely necessary to actually finding something real to hang onto. It is not just a feeling or your imagination; you are living in a sea of mental chaos. Know that and live accordingly.

Quote:
I do find it interesting the way you said that people are afraid to look at others beyond what they need, because maybe they're afraid of finding others as empty as themselves. Cuz I found that maybe I've done some variation of that, where I place someone on a pedestal, I want them to be my everything, and I guess I also want them to live up to whatever expectations I place on them.

In a way, maybe a lot of us are guilty of falling in love with an imaginary friend that only exists in our minds, yet we project it onto the object of our affections... or whatever we can find to latch onto that closely SEEMS to fit the bill for whatever we need, or at least think we want.

If you can fix these things you said in your mind and avoid those pitfalls, you will be miles ahead of where I was at your age. They were the very things which long delayed my finding what joy that can be found amongst the chaos of this life.

Glennn
 
  1  
Mon 6 Feb, 2023 11:06 am
@Leadfoot,
Like the trick to walking on ice is to realize that you're walking on ice. 2 Cents
Leadfoot
 
  1  
Tue 7 Feb, 2023 01:06 pm
@Glennn,
Damn good comparison.
0 Replies
 
glitterbag
 
  1  
Tue 7 Feb, 2023 01:36 pm
I don't know guys, if a man showed me his fixed teeth I'd probably enter a state of the vapors.
Leadfoot
 
  1  
Tue 7 Feb, 2023 02:51 pm
@glitterbag,
A Ponytail used to have that effect on me.
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Wed 8 Feb, 2023 12:37 pm
@glitterbag,
glitterbag wrote:

I don't know guys, if a man showed me his fixed teeth I'd probably enter a state of the vapors.


I had to laugh at that one - you're so funny glitter :-)

0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  4  
Wed 8 Feb, 2023 12:47 pm
@Lenoralawn,
Lenoralawn wrote:

The key thing I keep puzzling over is that I have heard that, back in my Grandparents' generation in particular, people tended to at least *CLAIM*, when I was a kid, that people knew how to do relationships right back in the day. People would apparently stick it out better, tough it out, and knew what commitment really meant.


I think this had completely different reasons why they "stuck it out"! In the old days, women had no jobs, no bank accounts of their own and no credit cards. What were they supposed to do with several children to feed? They had no choice but to tough it out and stay married.

By the way, it was Ruth Bader Ginsburg who fought for women to open their own bank accounts and have credit cards without the permission of their husbands.
------------

In today's world, young adults are more self centered due to social media. We "oldtimers" had to talk to each other for entertainment and I enjoy it to this day. If you're interested in other people and what they have to say, want to know their life stories, then you'll ask questions and be invested in them.

Should you find out that this is a one-way-street, meaning that the other person won't ever ask you about yourself and be interested in you and your life then move on and find someone who is interested. Not everyone is a dud, it's for you to find out who isn't.
glitterbag
 
  2  
Wed 8 Feb, 2023 04:48 pm
@CalamityJane,
You're a great audience.
0 Replies
 
Lenoralawn
 
  -1  
Fri 10 Feb, 2023 06:58 pm
@CalamityJane,
Yeah, you make good points.

On another note... completely unrelated to anything else....

I guess one thing I've been puzzling over for quite a while now is just why it is that people can sometimes have such a hard time accepting rejection, and taking no for an answer.

I had a chat with a friend about the flirting world a while back, and she said that some people tend to lie and say that they're already seeing someone as a way to let the other person down easy, instead of just flat-out saying that they aren't interested.

Maybe it is easier for me to talk like this because I've had way more experience in doing the rejecting than being rejected, and I've also learned enough about myself to realize that I'm just not interested in getting into *any* kind of relationship right now, and it's got nothing to do with other people, it's just where I'm at right now. It wouldn't be fair to other people to lead them on or get into a relationship when it would just hurt both of us in the long run for a variety of reasons.

It just seems to me like... if someone can sometimes become easily offended or even crushed just because someone they like won't respond to their advances the way they want, that's actually pretty childish. I mean, how come people don't seem to realize more often that they might actually seem more attractive if they gracefully accepted that no means no, and that if they're more mature about that, they might eventually find someone who says yes?
0 Replies
 
Apothecary
 
  0  
Sat 18 Feb, 2023 09:10 am
@Lenoralawn,
It depends on the relationships. Some relationships are one sided, but that's not a healthy way to be.
0 Replies
 
 

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