Friendship Problems.

It's a two-way street.

If she's not making any effort in the friendship department (and it sounds like she's not), you are under no obligation to continue. As for her being abandoned before, etc., well that's unfortunate. But it is not your responsibility.

That having been said, you can be pals with someone who doesn't share pop culture and similar interests. However, it depends on whatever else is being brought to the table.

Here's an example.
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Let's say you don't agree on whether pineapple belongs on pizza. She's for it and you're against. You'd both gladly die on that hill. But... you are also the core of a fantastic bowling team. If either of you leave the team, the team is screwed. And, you both enjoy bowling.

Solution? You can be bowling pals. So long as the team doesn't go out for pizza to celebrate its awesome victory over your hated rivals, then it's all good. And even if you do go out for pizza, you bite your tongue and don't talk about pineapple. You enjoy your veggie supreme (you can tell I'm hungry, eh?) and she enjoys her cheese – or even her pizza with pineapple on it – and you both let it go for a night. It's only a few hours, right?

But if she quits the team or the team disbands or you move away, then the friendship quits with it. And that's okay. There are people who come into our lives but they don't stay. There's nothing wrong with that. Hell, you're probably no longer friends with people you went to nursery school with.

It's okay for friendships to have expiration dates.
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Now, let's go back to reality (although if you wish to bowl or have some pizza, go for it). You said in the beginning of your post that you two have a lot in common. Maybe that's what you both can focus on in your friendship. Being able to talk about your lives with someone who understands can be a great thing, even if they don't get it when you talk about Firefly (or whatever, you get the idea).

Do what's called a cost-benefit analysis. While friendships aren't black and white, transactional things, we all have limited time and energy in life. There's no reason to expend your time and/or energy on a relationship that isn't working.

So consider the pros and the cons of your friendship. If it helps, get paper (or do this on your phone) and make two columns. Label one pros and the other one cons. And start listing them.

These can be anything, for example:

Pros
Awesome bowler with more strikes than the rest of us combined.

Cons
Sends horrible pictures of pineapple on pizza even after I've told her not to so I feel she's not respecting my boundaries or wishes.

These don't have to all weigh the same. Maybe sixteen pros equals one con. Maybe twenty cons are blown away by four pros. Nobody is making this scale but you. So, you do you.

If everything comes up positive, then stick around, although you may want to change things up a bit. If it all comes up negative, then you can probably just stop contacting her and let nature run its course. If it's mixed, then taper off the friendship. She may very well find she feels the same.

Oh and PS I get what you mean about wanting to be alone, but people should have some interaction with others, and that includes you. It's an actual health thing. But your person to person interactions can be with her or the other 8 billion people on the planet. Do try not to totally give up on the human race. A few of us are kinda okay, y'know.

Yeah, you make a lot of good points. What you are saying, in a nutshell, is that if the differences are only minor, you also need to live and let live, particularly if you both have a reason to be together that is valuable to yourselves and everyone else.

Maybe I can add a few more details here. It's just...

It's the type of situation where... there has always been something angsty in our friendship anyway, although in the early days, I guess our primary focus was on fandoms and mutual family problems. Which... as another friend kinda pointed out, fanfic writing and RPing is alright for children, but... once you grow up (or at least should be grown up) well... it's okay to still be interested in that if you want to, but it can no longer be treated as a central part of your life.

And it's just... I don't know her family, and she doesn't know mine, even if she's mentioned me to her parents and I've mentioned her to mine. (We live far away from each other, btw) And... it USED to be, years ago, that we were part of the same social group community online, knew the same people, did similar things, but... these days, those other people are no longer around or even interested in being around us, and... I don't know any of her present-day friends, she doesn't know any of mine.

And... since her friends seem to be more web-based, and in areas I'm not interested in being, and more of mine seem to be RL buds and general interest in my family. Especially since my family gets along a lot better these days than we used to, she... well, her issues with her family don't seem to have changed that much.

So in a nutshell... we both first met when we were obsessed with a certain fandom, (to the point of following it religiously) and loved hanging out in the same internet community. These days.... it somehow seems like I've evolved into different things, (I approach fandoms more casually, I'm not interested in RPing anymore, and I have a lot more responsibilities than I used to) but... although a FEW things have changed for her... she still spends quite a bit of her time doing fandom-related things on the computer.

And... it also seems like we have very different political views, her being a Trump fan and me being a Biden fan, but... I have made it a point to not bash Trump around her or say anything negative about him, for her sake, but she apparently feels that it's okay to talk about Trump like he's almost Jesus and that Biden is just the scum of the earth.

I suppose this sort of thing is normal, when... you have one person who's ultra-conservative (her) and one person who's middle-of-the-road-leaning-liberal (me), but... I dunno.

She did say that she's cool with having friends who are of different political affiliations, but... I guess I also just feel like it gets on my nerves when she just sees things in a completely black and white "this person is good and innocent of all charges, this other one is evil" without taking into consideration that BOTH have their flaws.

(NOTE: I am NOT trying to turn this into a political debate thread, and I don't want to talk about my political affiliation any further. I'm just trying to give a solid example here, to express the reasons why I feel this friendship... might not be working out.)

But another thing is just...

Just to elaborate a little further on something... Well, I think part of the issue I have is that we seem to have drastically different preferences for... humor. I'm that type of person who has an inappropriate sense of humor, to the point where... I can even get a bit gross or vulgar sometimes, although I have been around people who don't mind it, and I'm just careful not to cut loose around those who don't appreciate the same sense of humor. I mean, I think it's cool to use clean jokes around people, too, because they can be funny as well.

However, after she complained about some of my inappropriateness, I then tried at a later point in time to share some adorable and funny cat videos with her that I thought might even make her laugh if she just gave them a chance... and she didn't even look at them. I tried maybe three or four times, then gave up.

Though to be fair, she also pointed out (rightfully so) that whenever she tried to show me something, I wouldn't look at it. But to be fair... at least the clips I try to share with her are only a few seconds, or three minutes at most. She tends to drop things into the chat window that are sometimes an hour long, and.... am I seriously supposed to drop whatever else I'm doing or put the convo window on pause, watch that, and then come back to her to talk about it? Especially if the subject matter isn't something I'm overly interested in atm?

And the last time I really talked to her a few nights ago... well, maybe I was treading into muddy waters anyway because I ended up touching upon something that is still a sensitive issue for her.

But basically, I was browsing through her Deviantart gallery because I wanted to reminiscence and be nostalgic. For a little bit, it worked, because it gave both of us at least a little opportunity to be a bit sentimental of the good ol' days, I think. But then...

I touched briefly upon her OCs she was planning to use for an original novel she never wrote. I asked her why she never wrote it. She was like, "Nobody would have liked it anyway" and told me what it was gonna be about. I tried to be neutrally encouraging. She said, "Don't lie to me and tell me you like it when you don't." So.... I admitted that maybe I didn't find it all that interesting, but I tried to implicate that the subject matter just wouldn't have been my cup of tea, etc. Then she was finally like, "Don't say anything more and risk offending me."

So I dropped it and changed the subject, unsure what else to do or say.

But anyway...

I do find it interesting when you said that certain aspects of my issues involving her aren't my responsibility, because... responsibility in general is something I have been thinking about a lot lately, especially since... I have sometimes been told by people that I'm not very responsible, especially when it comes to some of my actions, decisions and the handling of my emotional reactions.

Though I've also been told I lack awareness....

Though I'm trying to be at least a bit better about all that.

Thing is... it just seems like... I grew up in an atmosphere where it seems like you're supposed to be at least sorta responsible, especially if someone guilt-trips you.

And... it just sorta seems like... this person is pretty good at being guilt-trippy sometimes. When I chose to get rid of Twitter, she got really mad at me and even tried to coax me into getting it back while there was still time to reverse the decision. When I didn't, she got miffed again.

Later, I did tell her that I felt hurt when she acted like that, because it felt like she cared more about me being on Twitter to be with her than looking out for my own mental health, when I had already explained to her the reasons why I felt Twitter was bad for me. And she replied, "The only reason I got mad was because that was one of the only places I could talk to you anymore."

But... it also seems like she doesn't really want to compromise much on her end, either.

I explained to her that keeping communication strictly to email might be best, because it's too much temptation for me to get into the one-sided rambly habit that she can't handle, and it's how I talk to everyone else anyway. She doesn't seem interested in emailing me back, and would prefer me to be on Discord.

I told her that I won't be on Discord again anytime soon, but we can email.... she hasn't responded.

In some ways... I still don't see how this is gonna work out. She just seems to want what she wants, and although she says she wants to be friends and she has established a clear, healthy boundary... and I am also trying to state, and show her, what is healthy for me and what would work for me... it's almost like she wants me to be something else, and... she sorta wants things her way.

At least she's being a bit more mature about it this time, because the last time I tried to set a boundary of my own, and tell her that I didn't want to do Facebook messenger chats or as much Skype-chatting anymore, but I wouldn't mind talking on Deviantart.... she responded by blocking me on Deviantart and leaving Facebook and Skype open.

This time... she just seems to be responding with silence.

I dunno. Any thoughts?

Oof.

Well, some of that is probably autism and being unable to read the room.

Oh and please note IANAD.

I'm in marketing, okay? And we have to go where the customer is, if you will. If the CEO of the company hates TikTok, but that's where the paying customers are, then he's overruled.

So she needs to meet you on the platform of your choosing.

And before you say you should do the same for her, you've already offered her a platform which everyone uses — email. Maybe it's not as quick a dopamine hit as Discord, etc. but it's what you want.

And as an aside, I've always found Discord to be more of a pain than anything else. Way too fast, too many convos, etc. (but keep in mind I'm probably old enough to be your grandmother so please don't tread on my lawn ;D).

There's also nothing wrong with shutting down some of the many avenues she was using. All that does is create disembodied threads of conversation. Which do you answer first? FB messenger, email, Insta? You can absolutely yell to stop the social media world because you want to get off. You've got to protect your own mental health.

I can semi see her point on the writing (I'm an author) because any criticism can sometimes feel like someone is telling you that your baby is ugly. But at the same time, I think she's picking a fight. Plus, she could stand to be more thick-skinned about it. Not everyone is going to love your work. This is true of everyone, including monster bestselling authors like Rowling, King, etc.

Some of becoming more thick-skinned comes with maturity and it seems like you matured a lot more quickly than she has.

I can see your point about wanting to put away childish things (if you will) and she wants to hang onto them. If she has few IRL friends, then it may be something she's holding onto tightly. But if you're not into it anymore, or at least not as intensely, then that's you.

There's a big difference between gushing over, say, Dr Who, constantly RPing, cosplaying, etc. and just watching it. There's nothing wrong with either and a lot of people choose a spot somewhere in the middle. My cousin Leon has a Dr Who podcast and IIRC he's pushing 30.

We change as we grow up. We get more things in our lives, whatever those things are. Work, friends, family, responsibilities, etc. Fandom doesn't rule our days because our days are filled with a ton of other things. Some are more fun than others. But she can't put that genie (of being an adult and changing) back in the bottle.

I've either overused metaphors or I'm just tired...

But letting go of certain things and realizing they're not your responsibility is a hallmark of getting even older. I've adopted the old Polish proverb as a mantra: Not my circus, not my monkeys. It can be freeing when you realize that you don't have to hold her mental health together.

I hope it's alright if I... branch into another train of thought here just a little. I'm not trying to change the subject really, cuz I feel this still has a LOT to do with what we've been discussing, and some points you've brought up. It's just...

I find what you said very interesting, about how "that's not my circus of my monkeys" and etc, cuz... well, that statement (among others you've just said ^^; ) are kinda making me re-reflect on a few things I've already been reflecting on lately... in the area of this friendship, but also... other things.

I mean, I can't help but wonder if it's possible that... some people, (like me, and even my parents to an extent...) have always been sorta... suckers, to be blunt, for people who tend to get guilty-trippy, manipulative, and who also tend to hold onto childlike tendencies instead of putting childish things away.

And... maybe this might be part of the reason why... I almost SORTA want to feel like it's at least a bit my responsibility, what she feels or how she reacts in response to my decisions or me setting boundaries. Because...

It's a bit like... I have an aunt who used to be absolutely loved by my Dad (she's his baby sister, after all) but... over time, we have all had to come to acknowledge she's the queen bee of manipulators and guilt-trippers, not to mention.... being in self-denial.

Here's a few... mild examples, without getting too deep into personal crap.

Way back when I was 16, we had to live with her and her household for a few months when we got kicked out of our own home. Note: When we moved in, her house was already very infested with fleas. But somehow or other... it was our fault that this happened, because... our cats were apparently the ones infested with fleas when we moved in, so we caused it, and thus... Dad ended up having to pay for a flea bomb. (In reality, OUR cats got fleas on them because of her cats and her house, not the other way around.)

And when we finally moved out... we got presented with a bill, one that was left for us on the fridge, for our share of the rent while we were staying there, our usage of her appliances and wear-and-tear on pretty much anything, our use of the electricity, etc etc. And she didn't even discuss any of that with us. So... my parents simply went through, double-checked her math, and then did their own subtractions of things we did for her (i.e., the times when I was used to babysit her kids when I got absolutely nothing, some of the general maintenance Dad did around the house that he never got paid or even thanked for, etc etc...) and my parents agreed they would pay the rest of the "bill" and she would get nothing else.

Perhaps in some ways, this stuff really has nothing to do with the topic of the current thread, and... I don't know, maybe it's a little inappropriate to wander off-topic like that, it's just....

I suppose I'm just trying to explain a bit of why I seem to be a sucker for certain types of personalities, and... there are many more examples where that came from if you ever want to hear more (which you probably don't XP) buuuut....

Maybe one point I'm trying to get at is... I can't help but wonder if... maybe there are some personality types, sometimes, like me and my Dad, who... well, I don't know if I want to say that we "like" manipulators or people who don't take responsibility/place unwarranted responsibility, but... maybe it could be a sense of misplaced validation. Like... maybe it can be easy to feel like, "This person needs me there to do this/to be there like that." And... can somehow end up feeling responsible in an area where they really aren't. If that makes any sense.

Like... in the case of my friend here... yes, maybe some of it is an autism thing, and I feel that autism can be blamed for at least some of my behaviors at times, too, over the years... even if that doesn't give me a get-out-of-jail-free card to do whatever I want. It's just....

It kinda seems like... my friend is the type who can get rather argumentative, and she... I don't honestly know if she's even aware of it, but she does seem to like to pick fights.

Kinda like... I posted one thing on one piece of art she posted, where I cracked a dumb joke I thought would be funny. She then demanded to know how I could even say "such an awful thing". I tried to explain that I was just kidding, and she simply made me feel like I was a bad person for saying what I did and embarrassed me a bit.

I then later tried to explain that the reason I got miffed at her was because it felt like she had fallen into the trap that many other people out there have, on the internet, where they care more about defending the honor of a fictional character who doesn't even exist, rather than considering the feelings of real people. She... didn't really say much of anything. Except to vaguely stick by her views of defending her favorite character's honor.

I guess maybe that does show where her priorities actually lie. And well... it kinda makes me wonder... if she wants fictional characters as friends instead of real people, why doesn't she just continue to watch her shows and leave everyone else alone?

That is... something that I've found, at least. If I just want to enjoy a show for whatever reason I want to enjoy it, and I don't like what certain groups of people on the internet might be saying about it, then.......... stay away from that group of people and out of that internet community. Just go get yourself a soda, a bag of candy, and go watch the show by yourself and for yourself. In that particular area, I'm the only company I need anyway and I don't need that other crap.

I guess... I just dunno about her or what I, or anyone, should do about her anymore, because... she's in her thirties, and she has grown up at least somewhat, but it's almost like there are a few other areas where she is either refusing to grow up or maybe she just really can't or hasn't achieved that level of awareness yet.

I have sometimes felt like... if she could have just followed some of the similar pathways as I have followed, maybe she could have eventually achieved awareness in similar ways to me, but... I also wouldn't necessarily wish my walk of life on anyone, because there have been times where I have been traumatically thrust from my routines and comfort zones in ways that were so rattling and horrendous, I actually considered suicide at least a few times. But at the same time.... she seems to stagnate and stay exactly where she is and she has sometimes contemplated suicide, so... I don't really know what to say about that or if one life-path is necessarily better than the other. It just is what it is.

To be fair though, it still seems like I have more or less moved up in the world. I go to the laundromat at least once a week, I see friends at the laundromat sometimes, I have acquinatances at the convenience store, I regularly go on errands and maybe have a little fun here or there. And I have a pretty decent relationship with my parents and other relatives these days.... and we've cut anyone toxic out.

As for her.... it always just seems to be the same thing.

I suggest to her maybe she can try meeting people in RL... she doesn't seem interested or she just says that nobody would be interested in hanging out with her.

We have discussed the prospect of her getting a job... she did try a few times, and apparently she ALMOST got hired at one place, but... she doesn't seem inclined to keep trying.

I asked her if there is anything outside, any place she could go... she says there is absolutely nothing.

So it just sounds like she's already selected her niche. She wants to stay inside, be on specific types of social media, do certain things, and... get mad at other people for not providing the company she wants or being the type of friend she wants.

And in some ways... I'm still not even sure what type of friend she wants.

Just skimmed through everything - way too long to read, but the gist I got is that you sort of feel responsible for her because you've decided to be her friend.

First, what Jespah said makes a lot of sense. Please reread.

Second, friendships come and go. You can be friends for 10 years, dwindle off for a few, then be friends again. There's no rule about this.

Third, people develop and change according to their schedule. One may be more immature/sheltered/confused/whatever for a while then a few years later they may suddenly 'grow up'.

Fourth, your first responsibility is to yourself. If you're not enjoying something (friendship, job, studies, a meal), stop it. Change course. Young people think the rest of their lives is a huge expanse ahead of them and, in some ways, this is true. But speaking as someone in her 60's, the years go by quickly. I feel we owe it to ourselves to make the most of our lives by doing what we want (barring hurting others, of course). I'd hate to look back on my life and see nothing but sacrifice, duty, tolerating the intolerable, doing the expected, not being the real me, etc., with not much of what I had wanted.

Fifth, ask yourself what you're getting out of this. What percent are you happy, satisfied, enjoying this relationship?

I've re-read the above replies several times already, because it's given me a lot to think about and it all makes a lot of sense. I'll admit... sometimes chattering on and processing things aloud is part of how I get something out of my system, and gradually move on.

I think sometimes I give others the mis-impression that I'm not paying attention to what they're saying, (which... okay, sometimes I do miss things) but I think it's part of my mental issues too. I get repetitive, I re-read things, I get a little more repetitive, and then... eventually I move on.

Plus I've been told that I have a tendency to milk things quite a bit. I suppose part of me likes the attention, (perhaps another flaw I need to work on, admittedly) but... there are also times where other individuals might offer a thought or insight to the same thing that someone else didn't, and I feel I don't want to risk missing something.

Anyway, in the end...

Perhaps part of my problem is that I've encountered some people who do seem to feel that everything needs to operate by a "schedule". I think part of this is because some individuals were raised to believe that there are society standards, like... you're supposed to "act like an adult" by the time you're 18, and if you just get through college and etc., then you're set for life. (The thing I find ironic is that some people who adamantly/aggressively say things like this actually tend to be a bit immature themselves... and narrow-minded. Not all, but some.)

It's for this reason that I do tend to be a little oversensitive and defensive of those who don't beat to the same drum as "normal society", because my life hasn't exactly followed the norm in *ANY* capacity, and yet one way or another, my life has always worked out.

So my heart goes out to someone who is similar, and I feel I have the capacity to understand some things about her that many other people wouldn't.

However, I've had discussions with another friend who pretty much agrees with you, Mame, that some friendships only last a time before they naturally fizzle out. Part of what frustrates me though is that... it's like that is a lesson she just can't seem to learn.

I mean, my more mature friend told me that many friendships only last 6-7 years, due to people changing, going in different directions, and maybe some unbearable habits getting to be too much. But once again, the friend I'm having problems with doesn't seem to realize that.

As for whether or not I'm getting anything out of the relationship or feeling happy with it, etc...

I genuinely feel there isn't anything there anymore. We both seem to annoy and bore each other, stress each other out, and she doesn't like some of my habits and wants me to change my preferences to align with hers, and when I flat-out state that I can't change/am not interested in changing, she still insists that she wants to be friends and wants me around because she doesn't have many people to talk to.

Thus the circle continues.

And I know she's gonna be really mad and hurt if I do ditch her, or even just stop talking and let the friendship fizzle out, but... again, she also hasn't even done that much to reach out to me and send me an email, either.

It also seems like half the time when I'm just trying to be myself and talk about what interests me, she's not that interested either, she ignores it, or she gets annoyed.

I guess I just can't bear the thought of her being out there all alone, especially if I leave her, but for the most part... she seems to be surviving alright one way or another without me, and she really does have others to talk to. And since she's a grown woman, I can't take care of her.

I suppose part of me is also worried that... eventually, if I don't start talking to her again, she might lash out or get guilt-trippy.

Not your problem.


Not your problem.



Not your problem.


Not your problem.

Your life is for you. Her life is for her. If they don't mesh, so be it. It shouldn't be this much work and anxiety. Free yourself.