How do I know if he is having a mid life crisis?

Gidgit--

Welcome to A2K.

Your description of your husband's turmoil certainly sounds like a mid-life crisis. What does he want to do about his discontent?

I found it interesting that instead of giving your husband's age, you chose to say you'd been married for 14 years. Do you think your husband has a life aside from work and marriage?

How do I know if he is having a mid life crisis?
He will be 35 in Jan and hs not had an easy life. Age 12-13 he was the sole caregiver for his Dad who was sick. Says that for 20 years he has lived his life for everyone else, yet he still has no idea what he wants. Says that he loves me, but not in love with me.

Up until now we have been in a wonderful marriage. Mutually respectful, fun, passionate - had arguments like everyone else who has ever been married - but all in all a good, solid marriage. That's why this hit me like a ton of bricks.

Still having questions.

How do I know if he is having a mid life crisis?
At 14 his father died. 14-18 were rough years. We met when he was 20. Marred when he was 21 (lived together for a year). Truly devoted to each other. Since May of 2004, one upheavel after another. We have no children (I'm unable to - infertility treatments - 9 miscarriages). In May 2004 we took in my 12 year old niece. In Oct 2004 he began working 2 jobs. In Dec 2004 he learned his full time job was ending in Mar 2005. Offered another full time job Jan 2005. Took it. At a club. Worked 17 shifts every two weeks (that's a lot). Became GM of club (working nights only) May 2005. Makes more money now than ever in his life. Says it makes him feel like a man to put more money in the bank than me. But no room/time for his family/wife. No passion for anything but work. Plus his slacker brother got a job making $1200 a week, is having an affair with his boss and has a beautiful 2 yr old little boy. He is simply another person now. His face is the same - but it's like he stood too close to a space pod and an alien took over his body. Not interested in things he was passionate about (his family, sports memorbila collection, the guitar, video games, travel, etc...) He had words with his friend who is like a brother to him.

Gidgit--

The more information I hear, the more "mid-life crisis" seems like a good diagnosis.

The crisis is his, but in a marriage what preoccupies one partner affects the other. You haven't had an "easy" marriage, either and because you are a major part of your husband's world, he can't help but see you as part of the problem.



That statement isn't easy for a loving woman to absorb, but remember, he's not passionate about anything right now--not you, not his job, not his hobbies, not his friends.....

Will he consider counseling?

Will you consider counseling? Your frequent miscarriages have caused you great unhappiness and your husband's confusion and growing pains are another load on your already taxed psyche.

How do I know if he is having a mid life crisis?
I would consider counseling - even went to a couple of sessions. But he will not. Have approached the subject several times - he is ademant that he can figure this out on his own. Doesn't want a stranger telling him what to do.

I'm 42 now and had to make peace with the fact that I can't have a child. It still hurts, but that is the destiny God gave me for whatever reason. Maybe so that we would be able to take in our neice, although I am not being as noble as that sounds.

The only thing he is passionate about right now is his work, because it makes him feel like a man. Although he "feels like he's not getting any support" about his job. This situation just SUCKS! MLC seemed to be the only thing that fit what was going on. You don't just wake up a different person one day.

Gidgit--

Trust me--this mid-life crisis has been coming on for some time.

Your husband finally decided that ignoring it wasn't working.

He may be working on it himself--or he may be hoping that everything will go away.

Meanwhile, you have to consider your mental health, both for yourself and for your daughter/niece and your husband. Your husband will be preoccupied with his own needs for the near future.

What are you going to do?

How do I know if he is having a mid life crisis?
Yes - he is very preoccupied with himself right now as he has been for a while. And yes, this has been coming for a while - he just had to get to the point where it was out there in the open and he had to deal with it.

I have support from family and friends and have been praying for my husband.

To me, at this point I have two options. Continue in the supportive role I have been playing. Letting him contact me as he needs me - talk about the issue when he wants - being supportive but not trying to hold on too tightly. And yes, although he can talk to me (we are best friends) some of the things he has said have not been easy to hear.

My other option is a complete break - NOT divorce - but to move. No communication, no seeing us/calling when it is convienant for him - giving him time and space to explore his emotions - hopefully realizing what he has jepordized. But would that do more harm than good. Either way, he simply does not need me right now, or want me around for that fact.

How do I know if he is having a mid life crisis?
I just don't know where the loving, husband that I married gone to. I think right now - his job is such a boost to his male ego that he wouldn't give it up for anything. If you mention that this has anything to do with his job - he gets highly offended.

Gidgit--

You wonder where your loving husband has gone. Underlying his love for you--which was/is quite real-- was a forced-to-maturity boy who never had a chance to be an exploring, questing child.

Now the little boy is out of the closet.

Please consider talking to a professional. Your husband will either grow or decay--both forms of change. You have to be prepared to change yourself as well or your marriage will be doomed.

His job is probably "proof" to himself that he's a man and not an overwhelmed little boy.

How do I know if he is having a mid life crisis?
I am hoping that when he/we get through this - he will be a stronger version of the man I married, at peace with himself. I know he loves me - and am trying to hold on to that. I feel that it will take some time for him to get some perspective back. He is a good man and a loving husband who didn't choose to go through this - I just am not sure what to do to help at this point. Disappearing from his life for a while is not my first choice, but some instinct tells me that that is what he needs right now.

Gidget--

Ask him what he needs. He needs to be in control right now.

How do I know if he is having a mid life crisis?
Makes sense - and I will ask.

It just seems that he would realize what he is jeapordizing - I guess he is just not able to see that right now.

Gidgit--

I'm afraid right now all he's thinking about is his own misery and his own lost chances.

Good luck to you. The next few months will be probably be very painful.

Hi Gidget:

I have very little patience for people who jump on their pity pot--and use it as a throne to lord it over the people they are supposed to love.

How does it help him to tear you down and make you feel bad? (I'm love you, but I'm not "in love" with you anymore.)

How does it help him to moan and groan about living his life for the benefit of others? It's NOT TRUE. You didn't corral him; force him to marry you; and make him honor his vows.

He fell in love with you. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. He made good choices for his own happiness and future. And yet, he has the audacity to make you feel responsible for his current state of unhappiness.

It's a case of not appreciating what you have. I wouldn't put up with it.

"OH?" I would say, "You're not in love with me anymore? You're unhappy with our life together? You're tired of playing the role of responsible husband? Well, okay then: I'm not going to beg you to love me and to 'try' to be happy with me. I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness--pack your bags and get the frick out."

If you allow someone to treat you like an old shoe; then they're going to treat you like an old shoe--comfortable to wear, but not treasured--easily discarded in favor of a new shoe.

You're a wonderful woman--an amazing catch. He should be thrilled to be married to you and spending his life with you.

How long do you think you should indulge his "woe is me" attitude? He needs a swift kick off his pity pot and a good whiff of reality.

How do I know if he is having a mid life crisis?
I totally agree.

The research I have done indicates the best course is to be supportive, and give him his space. Four weeks ago - I told him he needed his own space to figure this out and asked him to leave. He did and is definitely not ready to come back. He contact us when it fits into his schedule otherwise is very wrapped up in work, which is his sense of security right now.

But somehow my instinct tells me that he needs a good swift kick in the &*%. At some point he has to wake up and see what he is pushing aside. I'm telling you - this is not my husband. It's like he stood too close to a space pod and an imposter took over his body! I am trying to put a plan into action so that we wont be so convenient for him. Actually wont be around at all. It breaks my heart, but I am considering moving. Just my niece and I packing up. No communication whatsoever with him for a while. Let him be the one to worry.

Moving? With or without a forwarding address?

Knowing the situation only from your side, I'd recommend that you and your niece start building a life without him. Are you always available when he calls? Does he decide when to visit or are visits planned together?

By the by, a Very Important Question: Does your niece miss him? Under the circumstances, I don't recommend moving her during the school year.

My plan was no forwarding address (except my family). He wants alone time with no demands on him, no perceived arguments, to live for himself. Then give it to him.

We are too conveniant for him. It's around his schedule.

My neice misses him terribly. I miss him terribly. He misses us terribly.

Are you sure that vanishing would improve things?

Have you talked with him about a No Communication period?

I can't be sure, but I get the feeling you're finished with being patient and want to assert yourself.

Granted, selfishness is a major part of a mid-life crisis--but remember your man is not "normal" right now. All sorts of clutter from his past is getting in his way, whether he chooses to deal with it or not.

No - I am not sure that vanishing would greatly improve things. But I do know that he has the best of both worlds right now. A job he is absorbed in (it's the only thing give him a sense of security and being a man right now), and us when it's convenient. And yes he does have a lot of emotional baggage right now - most that he never faced before. And no - he is SO not hisself right now. That is one thing that scares me. How much is he going to hate himself when he snaps back to reality and sees what he has done?

But back to vanishing - my neice and I have to move forward. He's off tonight and can't even come to her open house at school - which really hurt her feelings. How long are we supposed to wait for him?