Sat 22 Oct, 2022 12:27 pm
I'm 40 and have been in only a few relationships in my life. In the past, my longest relationship was 6 years and I realized that I put my partner up on a pedestal and was crushed when they left me. I was alone for almost 4 years and was working on everything in my life, went to therapy, went back to school (and will graduate soon) and saved some money. I have now been in a relationship for almost a year, and it has been great until recently. I continue to put him up on a pedestal, he is in fact very smart, driven and extremely likeable by most people. He has pushed me in my endeavors and continues to help me get better and face some really tough problems.
Lately, He has been getting very frustrated with me. He says he's noticed that I don't listen well with his advice and I continue to handle things as i always have which continually leads to problems for me. He has put a lot of effort into helping me change how I think, but I've been unwittingly resistant. He's right, accountability has been tough for me, I try not to make excuses and have that horrible victim mentality, but then I do or say something that shows that mindset and he gets very upset. It then feels like all of my logic freezes and I am so overwhelmed that I made him upset and continue to say all the wrong things. I see this as a completely victim mentality. It seems like I'm going to drive away one of the best people in my life and I can seem to change how I think. I have changed a lot and continue to put effort into myself since I've known him. But, things have been strained and he seems to be at his wits end with me. I have learned that I may have anxiety and may have had it my whole life, based on my reactions to people. I don't take meds for anything. I don't feel like I'm learning fast enough and I still freeze when I upset him. Its a really bad cycle.
Any advice on what I can do, or any change in perspective would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I'm too old to have the issues that I have and I get really down on myself. I've been through a TON of adversity in my life and I'm actually extremely strong-minded with many people. But, in a relationship, I feel weak and inadequate which then colors the rest of my life.
You're not his girlfriend; you're his reclamation project.
Now read that sentence again.
This isn't loving behaviorâ€”on his part. Even if it has helped you in the past, at a certain point he is getting upset because you're not doing things his way.
That way lies madness.
PS please go back to your therapist and ask for a referral to a psychiatristâ€”because a psychiatrist is an MD and can prescribe medication. You do not have to go through life with what may very well be a chemical imbalance. There is no shame or weakness in supplementing your metabolism with the hormones it isn't making, no more than it would be if you were a diabetic and took insulin.
Thank you so much for your reply! Its so hard to see when I'm in it. I've never heard it phrased this way and I think you might be right.
I'm going to make an appointment on Monday to speak to a psychiatrist. I've always been so high-functioning that therapists generally though I was fine without meds. And honestly, I thought so too. But, anxiety persists and I just want to be okay.
Jespah is good that way. We're blessed to have her on A2K.
Yes, she gives good advice.
You're gonna be okay.
And eek, I have a fan club? <3
Especially in this post.
The OP needs to understand what a precious person she is.