Baby or Career?!

Thu 28 Apr, 2016 12:04 am
I have always wanted to be a mother. Since I was 20 years old I was so excited to have a child but I had not met the right guy yet.

I am now 24 years old and have been with my man for over a year. We have discussed having children and getting married many times but he recently told me he is ready to have a child as soon as I am. If he had of said this last year I would have been absolutely thrilled. 4 months ago I decided I didn't want to wait around in hopes of being a mother and it not happening so I decided I wanted to figure out a career. I found an amazing course I really like and I am currently 3 months into it. This course will take me about 2 years to complete.

Now I am not sure whether to complete my course or not. If I complete my course then have children I don't even know if I will end up working in that industry as I would like to be a stay at home mum until all my future children are in school so is there a point in completing it?

My second dilemma is that I am from a religious background and so I would like to be married before I have children but my partner isn't as fussed and is more eager to have a child than getting married.
The main person I don't want to disappoint is my father who would definitely be disappointed if I had a baby before marriage.

What do I do?
Thu 28 Apr, 2016 02:53 am
Hello,I've read your message and I want to give my opinion upon this if it can help.
As a person from a traditional country, I think you'd better get married before giving birth to a baby,for your family,expecially your father,might be feel better .
And for the first question,you should ask yourself,think twice and ask yourself which one you deem more important.If you think career is much important,you should firmly go on completing your course.And if you think baby is good for you and your boyfriend right now,you could have a baby and stop your course for a time.
My opinion is that you are still so young and you have many rights to select, to choose.Don't be so stessful, relax and listen to you heart,you can finally do it.
Wish you a happy life!
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Thu 28 Apr, 2016 03:33 am
I would recommend that you get some qualifications before settling down and having a family. Women also need to have occupation skills and a bank account. Try to be independent so that you have a sense of maturity and security. Being independent is the most important part of growing up. Be your own boss and remember that your parents are the only people that can truely love you unconditionally. Other people can let you down if they are not truely close and loyal to you.
Your father is correct, if your partner is a decent respectable human being he should ask your parents first if he can marry you, which obviously depends on how much he truely loves you of course. I prefer the old school way, if you want to take a girl on a date or marry her, ask her parents first. Otherwise, the young man in question has a dark hidden agenda...
Thu 28 Apr, 2016 03:54 am
I definitely agree on establishing a career. I just do not recommend one person letting themselves become completely dependent on another.

I also wonder about the guy being more eager to have a baby than in marriage. I'm kind of old school in some ways, too.
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Thu 28 Apr, 2016 06:57 am
Get your education. This guy could die or become disabled tomorrow, and could end up dependent on you.
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Thu 28 Apr, 2016 08:07 am
The first situation - figure out what you want. You are still young enough to wait to have a baby so you could do both. My personal opinion go for completing the course. At the end of 2 years you will be 26 still very young to have babies. You could even work for a few years and still be very young to have babies. I had my first baby when I was 35 - now I wouldn't say to wait until then as it is a personal decision --- just want to let you know that you do have time.

The other reason is -- you do not know what the future holds in store -- anything could happen. Even if you decide to be a stay at home mom, you still have your education to fall back on if something unpredicted happens. What if your husband gets laid off and has difficulty finding a job? Now there are two employable people to support the family. What if it takes several years for you to get pregnant, what if after your children are older and more self sufficient you may want to work even part time -- there are a number of reasons why having a degree of some sort would be helpful.

As far as the second item whether to get married before having a child or not - again what do you want? If you want to be married first then let your partner know how important it is to you. Why does he want to have a child before getting married? If he is so committed as a partner and parent why would it be an issue to be married first? A child is a lifelong commitment so I might be worried if he wasn't willing to commit to marriage unless there some specific reason why.

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Thu 28 Apr, 2016 04:08 pm
I had children and studied for my BA at the same time.

I took 1 - 2 classes each semester - all year long, while my kids were young. By the time the last one went off to school, I was ready for work.

PS: One year is not enough time for you to plan a family with someone, IMHO. You are just getting to know each other! Why is he rushing you to have a baby?
Thu 28 Apr, 2016 04:16 pm
I agree with Punkey. Both can work, and often do.
Also with those who say you have plenty of time.
Where do you live (approximately)? Are you in a country where women with children don't work? You seem to make it a dicotomy - children or career - an obsolete question at this point.

I get those who are saying finish your program, agree with them. Plus, Mr. Newly Wants kids now isn't quite someone I'd change my academic courses for.

Thu 28 Apr, 2016 07:39 pm
I worked after having children but the reason I answered the way I did because the poster made it clear she wanted to be a stay at home mom and not work after having a child.
Thu 28 Apr, 2016 07:48 pm
Did she? I see your point, but I take her as very confused.
Not my business to order her thinking.
Thu 28 Apr, 2016 08:18 pm
There are so many ifs and maybes in life.

You don't know if you'll marry your current boyfriend (or anyone else) at this point.

You don't know if you will be able to have children.

You don't know how many children you will have.

You might marry tomorrow and have 4 children right away - keeping you out of the workforce for six to ten years.

You might marry tomorrow and spend a couple of years getting to know your husband before you have children (the route I recommend).

You might marry tomorrow and never have children.

You might marry and divorce - with or without children.

You don't know.

Consider completing your course so that you will at least be able to support yourself and live independently regardless of what happens in the future.
Thu 28 Apr, 2016 08:34 pm
Now there is a useful post.
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Sun 1 May, 2016 09:24 am
“Love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe.”

Finish your study course and be ready to stand on your own, if the time ever comes.
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Wed 4 May, 2016 02:18 pm
Regardless of your decision, few I believe take into account that as soon as a baby is born a parent does the arithmetic to guesstimate that if the parent lives to a certain age, how old will the child be when the parent, in effect, has to say good-bye (by dying). Needless to say, the older a child is before he/she has to say good-bye to a parent, the more emotionally secure the (adult) child is likely to be. In effect, it is not all about a young person and their life decision to have a child now or later.
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Fri 15 Jul, 2016 05:10 pm
Really, its if you're ready. Children are A LOT of work and time, but you're still young, very young, it depends on your career path you're choosing. If it's family friendly then go ahead and finish your two years, start the job, see if it works for you and try it out, THEN have the baby. As for your dad, It sounds as though he is pretty fixed on the marriage before baby thing snd has your partner is "as fussed" then make your father happy and marry the guy, from personal experience ( I may be old fashioned!) The family unit is MUCH better with the parents TOGETHER, it shows commitment and unity and creates a bit more of a together family.
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Sun 17 Jul, 2016 04:43 am
ossobuco wrote:

Did she? I see your point, but I take her as very confused.

Yes, she did: "I don't even know if I will end up working in that industry as I would like to be a stay at home mum until all my future children are in school".

Which can be a valid choice. Nowadays, fortunately, both parents are free to pursue a career if they want to, but a desire not to and focus full-time on raising children is legitimate too.

The only problem, I agree with others here, is that you never know what might happen. Whether your partner will always be successful enough in their career to provide for all of you. Not to mention that they might suddenly get laid off and have trouble finding any new work; or get in an accident, or ill, or worse.. Or whether the relationship might not, after all, fail in one way or another - you never know, no matter how determined you are, and you certainly can't really know after just one year together... So having access to a plan B is always good. And a degree can help with that, even if it doesn't guarantee anything. A couple of years of work experience would be better still (esp in combination) - and, at least in the West, 24 is still plenty young enough to do that first.
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