In too deep to get out

Phoenix,
He does not support me in any way. I have been taking care of myself financially for the entire time my ex and I split up. I pay all my own bills, and am even putting some into a retirement account. So that is not a worry. I am not a money monger. I do not seek to be rich. Just want to live and pay my bills on time, and have enough to pay my funeral costs when I die. If I have some money left in my retirement account for my children, then very well.
He sometimes helps me out unexpectedly. I would say maybe 3 or 4 times in our 6 yrs together he has given me a 'gift' of less than $100. Usually to help me with my children's college expenses (that their father will not pay). As you can see, financially I am floating. I am ok. Its just the emotional part for me that cannot cut loose.

Jun- If you are willing to settle for crumbs, IMO, you are selling yourself short. Can't you see that he has the far better end of the deal? He has a home, a wife, and a family. He also has a lover whom he sees, completely on his terms, to whom he throws a few bucks once in a while.

I think that this man that you love is a self-centered cad, who caught the brass ring. The problem is that you cannot perceive it that way.

Think, woman. You are in your 40's, and have a whole lot of living to do. Don't waste your life.You deserve better than that.

Jun,
are you simply afraid of being on your own (with the possibility of it being for the rest of your life)?

can you imagine, without freaking out, a good happy life without any man in your life?

Dear Jun
I hear you. I am at this very moment at the very beginning of a similar relationship. Never have been though (e.g. never got involved with a married man). Read the thread I initiated: "In love with a happily married man." I am 42, he is 50.
I enjoy it now, but I do not want to spend years waiting for him. At least I have made it clear. My rule: we have what we can have, but I remain open to other possibilities. And he knows that when they come, I will go for them/him.

I tried to PM you but the system did not let me. Try if you can. Best, Dew

Dear Jun 2
Jun:
I have this same nickname in Edit [Moderator]: Link removed and you can pm there...if you so desire. MD

Hello Jun,

I think your first action should be a trip to a competent
therapist. Clearly you have gotten depressed, frustrated and distraught over the years, just waiting for a handout from your lover.

Anyone can fall in love with a married person, however,
one never should lose sight of its own life, and realize that
this is more important. In entering a relationship with a
married person, you have to set yourself your own goal
for how long you are willing to share this person and what
do you want to (ultimately) get out of this union.
If, after one year, your goals were not met, you need to
move on.

Jun, you see your lover every 2 months and spend the rest
of the time waiting for him. You put your own life on hold
for this brief moment to immediately fall back into depression the minute he leaves. I only can imagine the
emotional emptiness you must feel.

You need to learn to take your life back into your own hands. Join a support group for mistresses (I'm sure they're
available), register for classes, join a gym or whatever
suits you, but please don't put your life on hold for someone
who is only willing to share a few hours with you.

Of course, it won't be easy and you'll have many lonely
nights, but imagine 10 years from now, when you're in your mid 50 and still at the mercy of this man - you'll be in utter
despair and have waisted many many years of waiting.

An outlook like that would depress the heck out of me.

agreed
I agree with Calamity Jane, dear Jun. Have your life besides/in addition/instead of this man.

With all respect, I do not believe quite much that they do not have sex at all. My lover told me at first that he currently gets it 3 times a week (from his wife). Wow! I said with my best intention, "Í wish I have that after 24 years of marriage!". Still, he looks for me. So, two possible scenarios: (1) either he has a high sex drive (and we both benefit, but then someone else may benefit as well), (2) he does not get it 3 times a week, he gets it less than that (he recently said he gets it 12 times in 3 months, e.g., once a week. Still is not bad).

I know I am being cynical to this point. I do have feelings for this man, and I am grateful he admits he has sex with his wife. In addition, as I said before, he knows that --given the opportunity-- I will accept what other men may offer, since I do not envision myself waiting for someone who will not be entirely mine. To be honest, I don't know for how long will I be able to share him. If someone else (a new single man) comes along, I don't know if he'd be willing to share.

Dear Jun, be with this man, but open yourself to others, and to the nice things life may offer you. You are young and attractive. Life is only once, don't waste it, live it to the fullest, with our without him, BUT not exclusively with him.

Hugs, MD

same situation and I agree. Just because we accept the terms does not mean we like them. And also does not mean we will always accept them.

You have total and complete non judgemental support from me. Its not an easy way to live.

Have you gone to counselling? You need a professional to help you through this situation and your emotional state.

You got yourself into this mess by choosing to start a relationship with a married man and you accepted his terms even though you didn't like them. You can also get yourself out of this mess. I would start with self-reflection.
Do you feel good about being involved with a married man?
How would you feel if you were his wife and found out that your husband has been having an affair for 6 years?

You can turn this around and make yourself a better person.

You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. Stop wasting time on something that's going nowhere. Start respecting other people's marriages and committed relationships. You can get through this, but you need professional help. It will get more difficult before it gets easier, but it will be worth it. You can find love again with someone else who isn't attached and it will feel so good and so right.

And another bandwagoner on the "its all your fault he was married and is innocent"

Grow up people and start assigning blame to where it belongs, to the one who is cheating on their spouse.

Really easy to throw stones from that glass house, isn't it?

He's just as guilty as she is. I addressed Jun's accountability as she needs to focus on what she has control of --herself.

This thread is from 2005 !

You're the mistress, that's the job you signed up for and that's what you got. You settled for less and therefore got less...And now you're surprised?