Spouse has no respect

Have you discussed your situation with your pastor?

I discuss the situation with my Pastor regularly, but my wife won't talk to him. She denies that there is anything to talk about.

She doesn't want to change.

Therefore, the situation will not change until you change it.

We have no magic amulets that will change your wife for you. Either learn to live with a financially feckless woman or divorce her.

Close out your joint checking accounts and open one in your name only.

Not only is your wife irresponsible, she is disrespecting you by bouncing checks. What in the heck does she do with all the money that she earns--and doesn't share with the family--that she runs short and has to drain the family bank account too? She's not just spoiled, she's a self-centered tyrant.

Your wife is working a full-time job. Inasmuch as she isn't paying any of the household bills, she can pay her own work expenses--transportation, clothes, lunches, etc.

She should have her own account--in her name only--and you are not responsible for your wife's bounced checks. In my state, bouncing a check is a crime--you're not responsible for her crimes. If you refuse to bail her out and she gets her name in the paper for writing NSF checks, maybe she'll be more careful. She's a grown woman; she can learn some financial responsibility.

If she leaves you because she's a spoiled brat and won't take responsibility for her financial malfeasance--so be it. You can let her emotionally blackmail you or you can stand your ground and refuse to allow her to bounce checks anymore. Let her sit at her mother's house for a few weeks and she'll probably be begging to come home. I can guarantee you--she won't be the QUEEN in her mother's house.

Re: Spouse has no respect


I can't be absolutely sure because the law differs from State to State, but generally you would not be liable for checks your wife wrote on a separate account in which your name did not appear. A possible exception, however, would be under a common law (ie., based on appellate court decisions as opposed to statutes passed by the legislature) duty for spouses to provide for the reasonable and necessary support of each other.

Spouses are both EQUALLY responsible for providing basic necessaries for each other: food, clothing, housing.

Hubby is providing all necessaries from his income; whereas wifey does nothing to support the family and keeps all her income for herself. Hubby is not required to supply wifey with money for shopping sprees, designer clothes & handbags, and expensive restaurant meals. So long as there is food in the cupboard, a few weather-appropriate clothes in the closet, and a roof over his wife's head--hubby has provided all that is necessary for her survival. (But, she's not providing anything for his necessaries . . . so she's not honoring her legal duty to him.)

Writing a check for payment of goods or services when there is insufficient funds in the account is a CRIME. Hubby is NOT responsible for his wife's criminal acts. If his wife doesn't want to land in jail or have her name published in the paper for writing NSF checks, she better become a little more concerned about her own behavior and stop expecting her hubby to cover her bad checks.

Because of wifey's demonstrated criminality and financial irresponsibility, hubby shouldn't give her unfettered access to his money. He ought to close the joint accounts and open a checking account in his name only.

I agree.

If you must, get an attorney to protect yourself financially if you really feel her spending could wipe you out in the near future, seriously endangering your home or retirement or something really critical. This would ruin your whole family's future.

But, please forgive me if I go back to your original post and throw out a few thoughts on the psychological aspect of your marriage.

You seem like a fine man who has done all the right things. But I can't help wonder about how your wife has felt all along - she has always been the one who needed help, who wasn't educated, who needed improvement, who could not live up to your standards. She might have always felt like your "project" - someone you were going to improve. Someone who wasn't loved for herself just the way she was.

Maybe this has made HER feel inferior all along. This may have gradually thrown her into a depression. Depression does NOT always show itself just as sadness - but as irritability, anger - and over-spending is often practiced by those with depression and low self-esteem.

Not that her behavior is acceptable! Far from it. But I can't see anything in your future but one big long escalating battle. Already, it sounds like she is verbally abusive. And the dynamic is set: she is the rebellious spoiled brat and you are the long-suffering adult.

So, on some level she really resents you because you are always the "good" one and she is always messing up. It sounds like, with support from her family, she has constructed a lot of justification for her behavior - seeing herself as someone who has been cheated out of being rich, who has to put up with an "inferior" man.

I'm sure you deserve lots of credit for your virtuous conduct - sincerely. What you have done is not so easy. And I admire your sticking to your ideals.

It's just - what now? There can't be a real marriage here with this set up. Not the kind where the partners love and respect each other. You can't be the stern father and she the disrespectful teenager - that is not man and wife!

So, after all this preamble, I dare suggest this: Tell her everything's OK, that you love her just the way she is. That she is beautiful, the mother of your children, and you are sorry if you have neglected her emotionally or some way. Be humble. Tell her you won't try to make her go to counseling, that she is perfectly capable of making her own adult decisions. That she had added something wonderful to your life which might have been dull and loveless otherwise. That you need her. That she has incredible value to you.

Then stop. That's it. Don't say any "buts" - "but, you know we'll have to do something about the money, "but, I want you to do ....," "but, you can't do ...." "but, I won't have you ..."

And hold her! And tell her you really love her! And think - you did marry her for some need YOU had for her. Let her feel she's still needed.

Maybe you will be able to break into her heart which has hardened against you so. And you will feel very vulnerable too. After all, you feel hurt. Maybe both of you feel more hurt that you think and can come together over this. Ask her about her FEELINGS about you and the marriage.

I just don't know what else would work at this point because as long as you are at war, each side trying to "win," then I can't see any breakthroughs or progress. What can the end of the battle mean? She continues to be so mean and make you miserable and you continue to be frustrated and afraid?

I say try to reach that place where you are both "naked" in a sense - emotionally - where you are humbled in each other's presense. Where all anger and resentment dry up, where you can see each other's pain. If it doesn't work at first, try again, and always be gentle. I'm hoping underneath her meaness and your sterness are two loving hearts.

And yet, I agree with the other posts somewhat too. I tend to want to just tell you to get a divorce before things get worse! But, why not try something different? What do you have to lose?

Do yourself and kids a favor and get a divorce. No where is it written by God that you have to stay with one person for all eternity.

Well C_M, I looked through the entire post and now its my turn.
In the words of a counselor that I once knew..."dump the b**ch!" As for Christian values, if a woman disgraces your name, or commits an illegal act, these are grounds for divorce.
She has no respect for your money, ergo, no respect for you.
Why would you marry a woman thats money hungry, disrespectful and bad in the rack?
You basically got two choices here.
Divorce her or shut up and lie in the bed you made.
Ahhhhhhhh that felt good.

maybe your wife doesn't feel like she's important?