Spouse has no respect

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As my sign-on name says, I am a Christian man, and have no desire for a divorce. I have been married for 26 years, and have been 100% faithful to my wife. I have tried to get my wife to tell me that she has been faithful, without flat-out asking her, but I can never get her to tell me that she has been. Anyway, she has never had much interest in sex, so I can't complain there. I knew that before we married. She was a high school drop out, but I encouraged her and when she was in her late 20s she got her GED. However, I have always been the main breadwinner. I went back to school in my 30s and got a Masters degree in administration.

In the past I worked as a mechanic, so I continue to do all the work on our vehicles. I teach classes at a junior college and put all that money into paying bills, etc. I try to do things for my wife as often as finances allow. For instance, I made arrangements earlier this week to take her on a special weekend trip. I pay all the family expenses from my pay, including sending our two teenage sons to a private school.

My wife has no respect for any of this. She is always complaining about how we aren't rich. She wants a mansion with servants. Recently she took a job that was just three hours a day. She informed me that this was going to be her money to do with as she pleased, and not for bills. That was fine with me. I was hoping she would cheer up a little if she had some extra spending money. The job has now turned into 8 hours a day, after which she is too tired to fix meals, so she orders our meals out, but she pays for them out of the joint checking account. She buys the gas for her car to go to work from the joint account, and expects me to keep the maintenance up on it (which I really don't mind doing). However, it seems to me that she should contribute to the added costs of this new job. In addition she has been spending more money from the joint account than she was before. Now she has started bouncing checks on the joint account, sometimes three or four a week. The bank is charging me $28 per check for this, but my wife doesn't seem concerned. It is like she knows there is nothing I can do about it.

So, before I write a book. Is there anything I can do about it? Legally, short of divorce? What if I close all the joint accounts and open accounts in just my name, and invite her to open accounts in just her name? But I would still be liable for any checks she bounces I suppose?

Any help?

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money
I am no expert but maybe you are too particular about money, my wife and i have had many money problems in the past and yes my wife also likes the finer things in life and we have both admitted money problems do put a strain on a marriage, but what i tend to do is now and again show her all outgoings and incomings, becuse i, like you pay all the bills my wife was unaware exactly how much things were. It doesnt resolve the cash flow but i managed to make her responsable for her main outgoing which for me was overseas calls to her family. Try and make her at ease with bills and money thgings and say dont worry we will be able to afford it even i you cant, then cut back on something else likw one less evening meal per month or less drinking or smoking etc.
Hope this helps but i am no expert, one last thing if she wants to be rich encourage her or both of you too think rich and think of an idea that will make you both rich, even dreams are important in life, and if she is not as religiuos as you dont keep mentioning God to solve all your problems, even if you belive that is the way she may think differently and think you and her are in control, dont knock her for her ways and just accept.

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I assume you've talked to her about the family budget and living beyond your means. What does she say?

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hi Christianman.

Yes, there are things you can do. You may not like them though, and your wife definetly won't be pleased at first.
You and your wife have created an unequal financial relationship. If this has been the pattern for nearly 26 years, it won't be easy to change. It can be done though.
At present, just from the info in your post, it seems your wife has almost no financial responsibility. She relies on you to do all the heavy lifting. She has the accountability of a teenager (no offence, just stating my observations) when it comes to money. Any money she makes is hers, but your money is both of yours. She is taking advantage of you, plain and simple.
I would assume you would like an equal marriage. (?)
Or, at the very least, that you are asking for a way to have some help. You are struggling to meet the needs of the family, and need to get your wife clued in.
Ok, just some of my suggestions:
First, sit down and have a talk about this with your wife. Let her know how you are feeling about what she is doing, and that you are going to make some changes. Let her know why.
Personally, I would turn over all the joint accounts to my name. She is putting your family at risk by her irresponsible behavior. You have to secure the family's saving and livelihood before she creates a financial distaster for all of you!
Explain all your expectations of her. She is working: she can set up her own bank account and learn how to manage money with that. You can continue to pay the bills and necessities; but she must provide for her own activities (gas for work, expensive clothes, any other personal expenses).
She will not have access to any of the vital cash flow at this time.

I'm sorry to say this, but this is a problem with your relationship (it ain't ever just about the money). If you want to save your marriage, you have to be strong now and make some changes. I don't know if your wife and yourself can work this out: but it is worth working on.
26 years is a long time for your wife to be just sitting pretty (she sounds spoiled to me); isn't it time she contribute to the best of her ability? She is putting your security, healthy, and family in danger.

I would also suggest seeing a good financial advisor, and considering therapy for you and your wife.

lots of luck to you. Smile

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My wife has helped with paying the bills, etc. in the past. I said that I pay all the bills from my pay, not that I don't allow her any access or money. All of our current bank accounts are joint, and she has her own checkbook. A couple of years ago she was writing the monthly checks for bills and she started bouncing checks, so I told her that wasn't acceptable, and she basically threw the checkbook at me and told me to deal with it. I have been dealing with it very well until recently when she starting bouncing checks again. She really doesn't care. She doesn't consider it "her problem." Her mother and sisters have all been divorced, and live with an attitude that men are inferior. She knows she can go live with her mother any time she wants, so she has no respect for our joint finances. In the past she has gone on spending rampages, sometimes spending as much as $6000 at a shot from our savings. When I ask her what she spends these sums of money on she says she doesn't know. I don't think it is drugs because it only happens once a year or so. But, she never has anything to show for the money. I don't know how to control it because talking to her does no good. She just gets mad and says she feels like a "slave." I have to find a way to keep her from spending the family money on every thing that she feels she wants. I would like to find a legal way to do that short of divorce. What about taking her name off all the joint accounts? Would that accomplish anything? I suspect she would go open accounts in her name and continue to bounce checks, but I think the bank would come to me to cover those expenses also. What can I do? Thanks for the help so far.

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hey Christian,
I didn't mean to insult your wife in any way. I was just stating that she is putting you in a very difficult position, and it isn't right what she is doing.
I really do think you should get some professional council at this point.
I don't know the two of you, only the info you have posted, but it sounds like a situation ready to explode.
I would get legal advice. A good lawyer or financial advisor could help you to dissentangle the mess before you find your bank accounts cleaned out (I don't know if this will happen, but it's possibility if things continue to go sour).
Does that sound like something you could do?

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I've thought about financial counseling in the past, but don't think my wife would go. She doesn't feel she has any problem. I doubt anything would get her attention short of being arrested. Honestly, I'd let her get arrested for the bad checks to teach her a lesson, but I'm afraid they would arrest me instead, since my name is on the account too.

On a side note. My father in law suffered from mental illness from his 40s until his death. Is there any chance that can be inherited? I hate to think so, but my wife acts just like he did sometimes. Thanks again.

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Hi. Try to take all my advice with a grain of salt- I am no expert.

First, yes, mental illness can be inherited. It tends to run in some families, but not always. Your wife would have to be professionally accessed to find out. So, I wont comment any more on that.

If your wife is being as disrespectful as you have described, you have no choice but to make some decisions without her. It honestly sounds as though your relationship has some serious problems that need outside help. If you want to stay with your wife and love her (which it seems you do), you will have to start taking action now. Like I said, I don't know if you can work it out, but you have to deal with this head-on (even if she won't).
Simply do not allow her to continue to hurt you. Get outside help: go seek council ON YOUR OWN, if that's what you have to do. You can't control what your wife chooses to do, but you can change the dynamic in your relationship by making some changes yourself. You can stop allowing her to hurt you. You can take control of your own situation. She may or may not change - but you can not keep living allowing her to do this.

I'm wishing you lots of luck. I know it must be a painful time for you. It's times like these when friends and outside sources can be a real life-saver.
You don't have to take it quietly. You deserve to be treated well. I really hope you get some outside professional help for this. It's obvious you care a lot about your wife and your marriage.

Smile

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c_m--

One half of a marriage cannot ensure financial stability for the family.

If your wife will not go with you for financial counselling--and the financial problems in your marriage may be a symptom of other problems--you will have to act unilaterally to protect your cash reserves and your credit rating.

You may have to make a choice between your marriage and your children's college education--or your retirement comfort--or both.

Make an appointment with a bank officer at your bank. You can't "take someone's name off a joint account", but you can open accounts in your name only.

Ask the bank officer about your responsibility for your wife's debt: bad checks, credit cards, charge accounts. Find out what your legal position is.

Good luck. Wilful financial idiocy is very difficult to live with.

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I agree with Noddy completely. No, you cannot have some simply removed from a bank account. When a joint account is formed, that means that both owners of that account are legally entitled to that account and also legally responsible for that account.

You would need to open a new account in your name only and begin depositing your family funds into that new account and paying the bills from that account.

The hard part will be asking your wife for the checkbook back and telling her that that particular account is closed and no more checks can be written on that account. You can then encourage her to open an account in her name only to use (or abuse) in any way she wishes. As long as you are NOT a singer on her account you are NOT liable for your wife's out of control spending habits..

The only way she can tarnish your credit is in the future, lets say if you both decide to purchase a new home together jointly. Her bad credit (under her SSN) will show up alongside your good credit (under your SSN) and it could have a negative impact on any future joint purchases (not just a house).

Plus, if she habitually overdraws her own account, the bank may close it for her after a period of time and not open a new one. When this happens her banking history gets reported to a National agency called CheckSystems and she will be rejected from opening an account anywhere.

It's a hard act to balance when you have both held everything jointly for so many years, but it may be a necessary step to help get some control over what is happening with your money.

Good luck to you, Christian_Man....

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oh dear....I agree with the others, it appears she has completely forgotten
what 'joint' means!
reminds me of that old saying 'whats yours is hers and whats her's is her's'

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forget that! just cut her off and hope she comes around. typical girls playing games.

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Get a seperate checking account for yourself and put a few bills in her name.

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Remember, Mrs. CM has a job and funds of her own.

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CM you have gotten very good advice on here. i just have one thing to add. if she is bouncing checks on your JOINT account, it affects your credit as well. i just got a credit report for me and hubby as we bought a house recently, and the house shows up under both our names, along with the checking account, the savings account, and everything else that is joint. like noddy said, you have to make a decision here...protect your marriage or protect your family (as in your children's livelihood as well as your own).

i hate to say it, but she needs a rude awakening. not being able to remember what she spent 6grand on???? i can remember what i spent 3 bucks on at the 7-11 on my way home from work. she just doesn't want to tell you. and there is something wrong with that. if mr. d ever spent $6,000 without consulting me first (i am not a control freak but that's a lot of money and could put us in default state) i would be taking all possible forms of him getting his hands on our money away.

sorry, i really don't mean any disrespect, but i am scared for you and your sons (as far as money goes). Good luck and keep us posted. also feel free to vent anything you need to, we are here for you.

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dragon49 wrote:

if mr. d ever spent $6,000 without consulting me first (i am not a control freak but that's a lot of money and could put us in default state) i would be taking all possible forms of him getting his hands on our money away.

.

The agreement in my marriage is anything over $50 requires discussion before purchase.

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re
Christian_man, try to get her into counseling. If you have already tried this with no success use another therapist. The two of you need to sit down in front of a professional therapist & things need to be broken down into steps. She needs to understand some things as well as you. Posting on a public forum might not find you the help you seek & you may end up more frustrated.

I have a similar situation only the problems in my marriage don't involve credit or money but I am having difficulty getting her into counseling. I'm still trying & the battle goes on!

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Cancel all joint accounts.

Open accounts only in your name.

Allow her to open accounts in her name.

Be sure not to have any co-mingled funds.

You may or may not be responsible for any debts she sets up, check with an attorney. Laws vary from State to State, area to area.

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Bella Dea wrote:

dragon49 wrote:
if mr. d ever spent $6,000 without consulting me first (i am not a control freak but that's a lot of money and could put us in default state) i would be taking all possible forms of him getting his hands on our money away.

.

The agreement in my marriage is anything over $50 requires discussion before purchase.

my dear, that is because you have expensive taste... Twisted Evil

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My wife won't go to counseling. I was speaking with a counselor recently, and he asked me a lot of questions that I answered honestly about sex and money within our home. After about 30 minutes he was without any further suggestions (considering my wife's lack of concern and refusal to admit there is any problem). In the end he left me with these words that keep ringing in my ears. He said, "No man should have to live like that." Maybe so, but I have no Biblical grounds for divorce, so for me that is not an option. I'll probably close the bank accounts as suggested, and open new ones, but the bank says that if my wife pushes the issue she has a legal right to withdraw money even from accounts that are only in my name because we live in a "joint property" state, whatever that means. They said it is as though she has a standing power of attorney through our marriage license. Thanks to all for the input. C_M.

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Spouse has no respect

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