Dora v. Passive-Aggression: The upcoming family BBQ(Advice?)

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Hello everyone, just thought I'd ask all the helpful people here for some advice on a situation I've been mulling over the last couple weeks.

It is almost time for my boyfriend's niece's second birthday, and her parents have planned a family BBQ, same as last year. Well and good, but last year my sister-in-law's (not officially, but let's just simplify Smile

) father made a number of comments about me that I overheard.

I had heard him in conversations with several different people at the party, and he was repeatedly telling people about something being "grey." Over and over I heard things along the lines of, "they just look grey," or, "I can always recognize them, they look grey." Odd, I thought, but i had no idea to what grey object he could be referring . It was only as we were leaving that I heard my mother-in-law exclaim, "Dora isn't grey!" that I realized that he had been criticizing vegetarians the entire time.

My bf and I are the only veggies in the family, which is fine with us, we have no issues with being at a carnivore event, we just pack our yummy portabello burgers and we're fine. We don't comment on it, and the rest of our family is fine with it. But this guy just could not stop saying how unhealthy veggies look, and not even to me, but to everyone else when he didn't know I could hear.

I have no problem with teasing or jokes or anything (especially if it's to my face and I can respond), I'm pretty accustomed to it and I just tease back. But this seemed to me to be pretty offensive, because he wasn't just making a joke but seriously belittling my lifestyle and a belief that is important to me. Besides which, I had done nothing to draw attention to the issue, I am not the type to proselytize or anything like that. Am I being over-sensitive? What type of response is appropriate?

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Grey? vegetarian?

Huh? and huh?

Don't worry yourself a little wit about being vegetarian, but what is this grey stuff?

Never mind. Be your wonderful self and above whatever it is.
Niece's extended family can adjust or not. Just be.

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I think it's not uncommon for people who aren't used to vegetarians to think that we look unhealthy. Certainly there are some shining examples of unhealthy looking veggies who stand out. I don't think anyone would say I look unhealthy.

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Hardly.

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Which, oddly enough, seems to mean exactly the same as "not hardly."

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really, there is such a thing as vegetarianphobia? That is almost charming in it's isolation booth.

Well, never mind it. Laugh and mean it.

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Good point Roger! Not that I use 'not hardly' often.

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Sometimes carnivores feel rather threatened by vegetarians. It makes them (the carnivores) feel less virtuous, more crude & vulgar (eating the flesh of dead animals & all...) when confronted with a committed vego. They tend to tell you you look pale & unwell at times like this & that a nice juicey steak will put some colour in your cheeks. Laughing

This makes them feel better about not being "virtuous" themselves.

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thanks everyone for the responses.

Osso-- yeah, I thought "huh?" too...I am very pale, but that is my Scotch-Irish heritage and I'm proud of it dammit! But he was perfectly convinced that he can see a grey pallor in a vegetarian's skin.

Oh, and I'd say yes, there is such a thing as vegetarianphobia, I see a lot of it because I live in a small town where there are lots of ranchers and cowpokes who just can't imagine it. I've known several people who have never actually met a vegetarian before me so it seems really unusual to them. Confused

Nice people like you, osso, who tend to be more accepting of people, are usually surprised to find that anyone would even think of these things...

Littlek-- I'd forgotten you were veggie, nice to be reminded! Hi! I don't meet 'em a lot IRL, as I said... Do you think there really is a vegetarian "look" that's noticeable? I myself have never noticed it, but I have seen a lot of Americans in general who look more than a little unhealthy...hmm...

Olga-- I have often wondered if that kind of response is based on feeling threatened, although since I don't tend to think of myself as "virtuous" it seems a bit ridiculous! Very Happy

But I am interested to hear that this is an impression that you've gotten too; it's something I've wondered about but hardly dared to believe since it would imply a little bit of doubt on the carnivore's part... Sad how often we reveal our insecurites by being aggressive towards others.

So, on the whole, would everyone's advice be to just ignore it? That's my natural response to things like this, but then I get so agitated about it later and feel stupid for not having said anything. I had been under the mistaken impression that I wouldn't really ever be around this guy again, until I heard about this two weeks ago, aargh. Rolling Eyes

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Hmm. As long as he isn't talking directly to you, I might let him go on being a foo'. People should start yawning about it at some point. Well, maybe not, maybe just wishful thinking on my part. If he is very loud about it and goes on at length over the length of the barbeque, he has more problems than this particular conversation. I bet he is as obnoxious about other matters.

Not that I think people don't have a right to think being a vegetarian is a nonsensical choice - they do. But going on about someone present is really rude on the face of it.

Try, sweet, not to start off on an ill-health-of-americans diatribe... it's so obvious it just makes his diatribing funny.

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I'm older than you, so my inclination would be to greet him warmly and hug him saying "Hey, Red. Good to see ya again."

Then drop it. Let him spend the day wondering what "red" means.

He probably doesn't even remember saying you look grey. If that was the first he had really been around you, it was likely due to what others have mentioned above. Now it won't be as big a deal.

This year he'll probably occupy himself with how So and So looks blue with that cheap hair rinse.

His problem, not yours. Let it roll off.

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Osso--Oh, no, I wasn't even considering an ill-health-of-Americans-diatribe... I have no intention of getting into a who-is-the-healthiest-one-of-all thing! Smile

I can't think of anything that sounds less fun. It's not the veggie vs. carnivore thing I was thinking of addressing, but just the "please stop discussing me" thing. But on the other hand, nothing I heard was *specifically* about me, just about vegetarians in general... so I suppose that's not quite the same as talking about me behind my back.

Edited to make it clear who I was responding to--hadn't seen Squinney's post when I wrote this...

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good point, squinney, I hadn't thought about that... we'd met only once before, and my diet didn't come up that time cause no one was eating so it wasn't apparent (although come to think of it, he knew anyway-- noticed the peculiar tinge of grey in my skin and all Very Happy

). Maybe since it's old news now it won't be his topic of choice this time.

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dora--

He doesn't care about you! His carrot-loving son is breaking Daddy's Red Blooded, Carnivorous heart and this is all because of little, ol' gray you!

The next step is the black helicopters--and perhaps the men in black hats in the black whirlybirds will take him away.....

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cute, noddy, hee hee... you made me snort-laugh Very Happy

...oh, but, in all the convoluted explanation of in-laws and stuff, things must've gotten muddled-- it's not my boyfriend's dad, it's (brace yourself) my boyfriend's brother's wife's dad Smile

Luckily my father-in-law actually was veggie for a while and is perfectly okay with it. Thank God this guy is not my father-in-law, eek! He absolutely would be the type to have a conniption if he had a son who was anything other than a good ol', redblooded, All-American, meat eatin' lad... it makes me smile to imagine it, giggle...

Actually, it's good to be reminded that this is not a member of my boyfriend's immediate family-- lovely, supportive people they are...counting blessings...

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Hi, dora17!

One of my favortie books is "Dealing with Peoople You Can't Stand," or something like that ... I can't find it now ... anyway, they would call that behavior "sniping."

And the way you deal with that is, when you "overhear" it, you call him on it, "What did you say?" Or, "Did I hear you say ...?" Then, you make a childlike face, or even an Edith-Ann face, and say something like, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me." Or "What you say is what you are," and stick out your tongue, and then laugh.

Suddenly the focus is on the sniper and his childish behavior, and not you. You just mirrored his childish behavior ever so briefly and put him in his place.

Better go shake his hand or hug him afterward, so he doesn't feel like a creep the whole event long.

But don't let it go without responding, and don't respond intellectually or informatively either. It isn't about that at all.

And nobody will do it for you, and you will heap mountains of gratitude from lots of people who've been wanting to shut him up for decades!

Have fun!

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Thank the Powers that Be that there is no blood connection.

Think about having Gray-from-Jealous-Projection baby.

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oh my god, he'd be feeding my baby raw steak to counteract the grayness every time I turned my back!

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Steak?

Liver!

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dora

I got wise to the concerned: "My, you're so pale! Are you getting enough protein?" routine during 15 years of vego-dom. Rolling Eyes

Yes, the fact that you don't eat meat IS threatening to some carnivores. They actually think that you are making some point about being superior to them! It says more about their insecurities, I say! Cool

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Dora v. Passive-Aggression: The upcoming family BBQ(Advice?)

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