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Boyfriend moved in - should I charge rent?

 
 
Reply Sat 6 Aug, 2022 08:40 am
Backstory: I’ve been dating a guy for about 9 months, he unofficially “moved in” about 4 months ago. He was in a less than ideal situation, was staying with a family member but didn’t have a room or a bed and they were making him pay rent. He was recently out of jail and trying to get back on his feet, but that’s a different topic. He was trying to save up to get his own place but he would’ve needed to get a roommate and I was a little worried about that with his past (drugs) I didn’t want him to be tempted by that with a roommate. He was staying with me 3-4 nights a week and then a few months ago the family member told him he had to stay with me for the weekend because he was sick and she was worried about covid with her kid and he just never left. I’ve never lived with a man or even thought about it until him. We’re both in our mid 30s. He is very good to me, tells me all the time how lucky he is to have me and how I’m the best thing that has ever happened to him. We’ve known each other through friends of friends for a while and he had a crush on me. He’s loyal and kind and genuine and honestly the best relationship I’ve ever had. He isn’t love bombing me or anything like that, it’s just a genuine caring and we’re both getting older and want to settle down and I think this is the person I actually want to do it with, which is weird of me to say because I’m so independent and stuff.

My question: is it appropriate to ask him to pay “rent”? I own my house and have for about 10 years, I bought it at a good time so my mortgage is only $800 for a 4/2, which I’ve handled on my own since I bought it. I could get at least $500-$600 for rent for one bedroom in my home based on location and all that. I realize him paying rent would pay for part of my mortgage and he wouldn’t be getting that added value of the equity in the home since he isn’t on the deed, but most people have to pay rent so I don’t know if that’s valid. He adds value to the household in other ways - he cooks and does the dishes most of the time. He also said he would take over my yard work and had me fire my yard guy, but he has only done it twice because he got bad poison oak, I don’t blame him not wanting to do it again, but he said he would still do it. That saves me maybe $50 a month. He started paying my utility bill right away without me asking, but that’s $150-$250 per month. Something I’ve thought about asking him to do is pay our weekly grocery bill which is about $80 per week and go to 50/50 on the utility bill. Right now we’re paying 50/50 on the grocery bill, but he eats a lot more food than me and a large portion of the grocery bill is going towards his breakfasts and lunches and it really has started to bother me, I think because he doesn’t contribute to my other bills and I end up paying more than when he wasn’t there between the grocery and food bills. I feel petty saying I’ll pay half of what I’ll eat and you pay the rest and to divide that up is just a hassle. If he’s paying it all that issue won’t really be there. When we go out to eat (3-4 times per week) we do 50/50 or I’ll pay this time you pay next time, which works well and I would continue to do. One thing to note is I make quite a bit more money than him, but I have a degree and he doesn’t and he’s still trying to get on his feet. I’m also paying for it in student loan payments, which is several hundred a month. He ends up having more disposable income than me because he isn’t really paying a lot of bills other than my utilities and some court costs he has, so he’s spending money on his hobbies and odds and ends and I’m not really because I’m saving and spending a lot of my income on bills. Don’t get me wrong, I treat myself to things when I want to, but I’m very responsible with my money and a little frugal. Is it reasonable to ask him to pay a portion of my mortgage (maybe half - $400) or the grocery bill and go to 50/50 on the utilities? Is there another solution I haven’t thought of? I know I need to have the conversation with him because it’s starting to build up and bother me, but I’d like to have a resolution to propose before I do it.
 
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glitterbag
 
  5  
Reply Sat 6 Aug, 2022 11:27 am
@Unknown-username-123,
I'd be thrilled if someone else was paying my bills, but unfortunately I've always thought it was important to be able to support myself and my family. You do need to ask him for rent, do not say for half of your mortgage payment or he may think he's buying or entitled to a portion of the worth of the house that YOU have paid for. Never underestimate the cleverness of a former prisoner, he will have learned many techniques to exist without digging into his own pocket.

Next, rehire your yard guy, he will keep your yard clean for $50, and it's worth the money to keep it clean and regularly tended to. That $50 bucks could wind up in the 'boyfriends' pocket and then you will wind up cleaning your yard, while you keep him well fed and comfortable. There may have been many reasons why the 'boyfriend' went to jail, and I don't need to know why but very few innocent people wind up actually serving a jail sentence. Sometimes it's because they ignored normal laws, sometimes it's for abuse of some kind, maybe stealing , driving drunk or impaired.....could be anything but usually means they used very poor judgment at some time or many times. This usually means their sense of FairPlay is impaired and their first thought will always be "how does this benefit me?".

In other words, all of the advantages you have achieved such as graduating from college, earning more money, buying your house, paying your bills are all because of your efforts. It does not mean you are now obliged to support 'nice' people who are 'nice' to you because they are grateful for all the 'wonderful' help you have provided. Your current situation is only a few months along, and I think your friend is worming his way into your purse. I urge you to be very careful, lock up valuables, do not share bank or credit card information and do NOT share any personal insecurities or concerns with someone you may want to trust, it's just too personally dangerous.

Good luck and please play safe


P.S. do not put his name on the deed even if he tells you he's dying
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  3  
Reply Sat 6 Aug, 2022 02:02 pm
@Unknown-username-123,
I don't know in what state you're living, but here in California a contribution to the mortgage would mean that he's entitled to a portion of the home. So do not ask him to contribute to your mortgage. Let him pay the groceries and 50 % of the utilities and that's it for now.

It seems you're most upset about the grocery bill since he's eating so much, so let him pay it all together. You pay your mortgage and keep all of it separate.

As glitterbag said, keep the gardener for $50 it's money well spent. Also if you have any repairs in the house, call a professional and pay him. Do not let your boyfriend repair anything - that would be considered a fair contribution to the upkeep of your home and entitle him to some equity compensation later on.

Encourage him to go to college at night/online or vocational school to get a better job, in the meantime only ask for the groceries to be paid and half the utilities and nothing else.

Keep good records of everything just in case you're having a falling out down the road. Good luck!
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Sat 6 Aug, 2022 02:14 pm
@CalamityJane,
Here you are considered common-law if you're living together, giving this guy 50% of all she has when they split. I wouldn't let him live there at all - just date him.
0 Replies
 
bobsal u1553115
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Aug, 2022 01:56 pm
All depends: is he a rock drummer?

What do you call a rock drummer with no girlfriend? Homeless.
0 Replies
 
Elexor
 
  1  
Reply Mon 22 Aug, 2022 04:20 pm
@Unknown-username-123,
Personally I'm not sure its the best idea for him to live with you based on the background information you have given. However I think he should be paying rent if he is living there as well as half of the utilities/groceries. How much he pays for rent is hard to say though without knowing his income. Really you two should have a sit down conversation about his financials. Especially if it seems like he is spending a lot of money on luxuries and not saving.

The most important thing I would suggest is getting a proper lease with him. Specifically a month to month lease just in case. That might sound formal for a romantic relationship, but it is to protect the both of you. It really doesn't have to be weird unless you guy's make it weird. I would also only ever call it rent. Do not say he is paying your mortgage. He is just paying you rent.

0 Replies
 
bobsal u1553115
 
  1  
Reply Thu 8 Sep, 2022 07:09 am
@Unknown-username-123,
Yes. Is he a partner or a lifestyle choice? If he were any kind of person, he'd have offered.
0 Replies
 
 

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