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We only invited one of my kid’s siblings to Disneyland. Ex wants us to invite both

 
 
Reply Mon 1 Aug, 2022 09:00 am
My work does a family event every year. This year they are doing a Disneyworld trip. Every employee gets 4 tickets. One of my coworkers only needed two tickets so he gave us his spares. So six tickets total. One for me. One for my wife. Two for my kids (they’re from a previous relationship and live with their mom part time). We then decided to let the kids each invite a friend to go on the trip with us.

My son, James (age 10), invited his best friend. My daughter, Camille (age 7), had a harder time picking someone because her friends already had other plans for next weekend.

While over at her mothers house Camille, unbeknownst to me, invited her half brother Jason (age 6). She must have also let it slip about how we got six tickets for free because my ex called me upset that we didn’t also invite her other son, Mark (age 11). He’s apparently very upset and we are messed up for not including him when the whole rest of the family is going. She says it’s wrong I didn’t think to invite my kid’s siblings in the first place because it will cause jealousy issues between the siblings. She says he’s already been feeling excluded because sometimes Camille will invite Jason over as they get along well. However James does not like spending time with Mark (they have very different interests) so he doesn’t get invited over often. My ex thinks this trip would be good bonding for them.

Now she’s basically said that unless we invite Mark as well that Jason that not come. Is that a trick or something? Because I also found out that one of Camille’s original invites is actually free this weekend and I know she would prefer this friend came instead of Jason. She actually asked if her friend could come instead when she found out. I originally told her no because its rude to uninvite someone, but now it sort of feels like his mom has basically said no to the invite. Is it alright to just say something like “We understand and we are sorry that Jason cannot come”? I’m not sure what else to do. It’s not like we could uninvited Jame’s friend. That would be rude and unfair to James.

Also anyone asks why we can’t just bring Mark along too I can’t afford to pay for all the expenses of another child. Another set of tickets, food, souvenirs. Plus we would have etc rent another car as my truck only sits 6. It’s just a lot. It was already going to be a stretch with Jason. Meanwhile James and Camille’s friends parents have offered money for food and souvenirs. I know my ex can’t contribute because she’s broke.
 
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Mon 1 Aug, 2022 09:14 am
@wrangler,
You've answered your own question.

Take your kid's friends and tell your ex she can have her children over the Summer.
wrangler
 
  1  
Reply Mon 1 Aug, 2022 09:17 am
@izzythepush,
I don't want to give up my kids for the whole summer.
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Mon 1 Aug, 2022 09:44 am
@wrangler,
You never said anything about giving up your kids, just hers.

Maybe you should have talked about it to her beforehand.
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Mon 1 Aug, 2022 09:44 am
@wrangler,
Camille should not have invited Jason without your permission precisely because of this situation. I am not blaming her as she's only 7. But perhaps you could uninvite Jason and invite the friend of hers that is free. Tell your ex that her demands are unreasonable and so neither boy is coming. End of story. They're your tickets. You can dole them out however you wish.
wrangler
 
  1  
Reply Mon 1 Aug, 2022 09:56 am
@izzythepush,
I think I'm just confused by your first comment. To me it sounded like you suggested I let her have our two kids for the summer as a compromise.
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Mon 1 Aug, 2022 10:10 am
@wrangler,
I thought you were going to take your kids and their friends, and that she could have her kids, (the ones who have nothing to do with you,) over the Summer.
wrangler
 
  1  
Reply Mon 1 Aug, 2022 10:18 am
@izzythepush,
I guess I just don’t get the point in telling her she can have her own kids in the summer when they live with her.
0 Replies
 
engineer
 
  1  
Reply Mon 1 Aug, 2022 11:03 am
@wrangler,
If she is willing to pay for Mark, let him come assuming you can take seven. (That is a full minivan). If she is not willing to do that, say you understand and withdraw the invitation.
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Mon 1 Aug, 2022 11:36 am
@engineer,
He said she can't pay anything because she's broke and he doesn't have room for a 7th.
engineer
 
  1  
Reply Mon 1 Aug, 2022 11:39 am
@Mame,
Rather than make that assumption, I think he should make her the offer. Maybe a relative (maybe a grandparent) would step up or the mother has more than he assumes. Either way, how she pays (should she choose to) is not his problem. If she declines, problem solved.
RPhalange
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Aug, 2022 12:58 pm
@wrangler,
Hello, this is your out

"...While over at her mothers house Camille, unbeknownst to me, invited her half brother Jason..."

Nothing else matters. You do not give permission to Camille to invite her half brother.

Simply (I know it is not that simple as far as emotions), say I am so sorry. Camille invited Jason without our permission. Unfortunately, we do not have an extra ticket. Camille should actually be the one to say sorry to her half brother as she was not in a position to invite him.

In any case, you are not obligated to even have Jason as you are the ones with the tickets and decide who should be invited.

And be clear with your children to not do this in the future without discussing it with you.
PoliteMight
 
  -2  
Reply Tue 2 Aug, 2022 08:11 pm
@wrangler,
Just find a way to fund the extra kid and stop crying about the money. You got the tickets for free and thus you should be considering that a loan/debt against your household budget.

Otherwise just give the tickets away and cancel the trip regarding your kids. Better yet give up your spot for the extra kid and consider it a day off from the children, and spouse.
wrangler
 
  2  
Reply Tue 2 Aug, 2022 08:43 pm
@PoliteMight,
If you are in a more privileged position where you can just find away to spend so much money on a whim good for you.

Canceling the trip seems like the absolute best way to create feelings of resentment and anger between the kids.

As for the last point in no way would I ever put my wife in the position to have to take care of 5 kids for a weekend away from home by herself. That’s a ******* ridiculous idea.

wrangler
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Aug, 2022 08:44 pm
@engineer,
Lol, making assumptions about a non assumption.
0 Replies
 
wrangler
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Aug, 2022 08:52 pm
@Mame,
Its probably my fault for her doing that. I sort of just told the kids ask a friend if they wanted to go and have their parents contact me about it.

My initial thought was to not have Jason come. It just feels wrong to me because I was always taught that uninviting someone is very rude (especially when the person in question is excited to go), but based on her last response it sort of feels like she gave me an out etiquette wise with the ultimatum.
0 Replies
 
wrangler
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Aug, 2022 09:01 pm
@RPhalange,
It’s probably my fault for her doing that. I sort of just told the kids ask a friend if they wanted to go and have their parents contact me about it. Obviously a mistake on my part, but I didn’t require their permission on who to invite. Taking that into account it doesn’t seem right to make her apologize when she didn’t do anything wrong. I’ll make sure to talk ahead of time about invitees for any future outings to avoid this issue.
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Aug, 2022 09:56 pm
@wrangler,
Life is not fair and Jason will learn of this rather sooner than later.
Both, Mark and Jason cannot come, period. I would tell Jason though that
you don't have the financial means to take all the children and his mother
wanted to either have both sons attend or none and since you can't afford
to take both that means neither can go. Smooth it over with bringing them
something from Disneyland and they should choose what they want.
This way they have a t least a present from Disneyland.

Blended families are tough for the kids as well as for the parents, except
the little ones don't understand it that well yet. Have fun!!
neptuneblue
 
  -1  
Reply Wed 3 Aug, 2022 06:13 am
@wrangler,
When I first got divorced, it was a requirement to take a Parenting class to learn how to co-parent. The mantra was "The Best Interest of the Children." The x didn't take that seriously but I did. Now that the kids are adults, we've had discussions and they reiterated how fully aware of the sacrifices I made for them to keep the peace with a very combative x. They asked me why and I've always maintained it was because their interests have to be the focal point.

This whole situation is your fault. You should have, at the beginning, contacted your x, let her know about the trip and who was invited. Instead, you've allowed a seven yr old to take charge and now you're stuck. This is what happens when you don't communicate with your x.

These four children live together. They are not strangers, and it seems the two youngest bond quite well together. Although the oldest two aren't that close, they can still get along without major conflict.

I don't agree with your x, that if one can't go, the other one won't either. That's not fair to your daughter who choose Jason to go. Having said that, it's not fair to Mark to be purposefully excluded when THREE of his siblings go on a trip without him. That just seethes resentment and anger.

I also concede the point that Life isn't fair, Simba. But what lesson is the one you want these kids to learn?

I'd suck it up and take all the kids, all five of them. It's just the right thing to do. Kids won't look at this the same way you do. They will remember this trip. Don't make it a bad memory.



RPhalange
 
  1  
Reply Wed 3 Aug, 2022 07:26 am
@wrangler,
Ok I see your point; your instructions were not clear. Seems you did not see that coming that your daughter would invite her half brother.

For the future though where this half brothers one is close to your one child, but the other is not, I would ask them to check with you both first before they ask one child and not the other. That also gives both of you the opportunity to discuss with the boys' mom.
 

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