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Looking for second opinion

 
 
Reply Tue 19 Jul, 2022 07:44 pm
Hello! I’m looking to see what others would think about my current situation. I’ve been married for 17 years, and I have beautiful 16 year old daughter. I have been thinking about leaving my husband for over 5 years, but haven’t been able to actually make it happen. I’m the breadwinner in the family, so there aren’t any financial concerns for me. I’m worried my husband is disrespectful and emotionally abusive.

I clean all the dog poop in our yard, and sometimes I leave the bagged up mess near the back fence because I don’t want to walk outside of the fence (usually early in the morning or late at night). This made him so upset he took the bag and put the dog poo in my new car that I had just purchased and was very proud of. He felt very strongly that I should have taken it directly to the trash. I can be a messy person, but I am constantly working on it. I do all of the housework.

He is constantly criticizing me. Every day I am told how I should be doing something. And when I ask him to not tell me what to do so much he says he is only “helping” me, and that I am unable to accept help from others.

He got so upset yesterday that the dog dug a two inch hole in the yard. He threatened to hit the dog next time, and carried a whip outside. He then yelled at me for not caring about the hole ( I did, and I was planning on covering it up), and then later I went in my bathtub and there was dirt and grass all in there. I did not see him do this, but I don’t know how else it would have gotten in the tub.

He regularly calls me horrible names when we are fighting, and then 25 minutes later acts as if nothing happened. If I let him know that I’m not feeling like chatting with him after one of these incidents, he says “oh you haven’t gotten over that yet”

All of these incidents happened in the last week and a half, so they are pretty frequent.

He can be a decent person at times, but whenever I express my frustration or let him know how I am feeling, he says I’m too sensitive, and that’s I need to see a psychiatrist to find out what’s wrong with me.

I am not perfect, and I have definitely taken my frustrations out in unhealthy ways, but I always try to start with calm conversation.

At this point I’m seriously questioning if I am too sensitive, and wondering if the problem is me.

I did not mean to make this so long, I would appreciate any one’s opinion. I don’t t have a lot of people to talk to about this so it is kind of hard.
 
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Jul, 2022 07:54 pm
@ZZtopanga,
Your husband has some serious issues. If he does hit the dog (which I hope he doesn't), then it may only be a matter of time before he hits you.

He's certainly not above being petty, destructive, and gaslighting.
0 Replies
 
roger
 
  3  
Reply Tue 19 Jul, 2022 08:47 pm
@ZZtopanga,
The problem is his. I think it's about time to leave him behind.
glitterbag
 
  3  
Reply Tue 19 Jul, 2022 09:36 pm
@roger,
I agree with Roger. Your husband would not know where to hide if he dumped dog poop into my cat....it would be a painful experience for him.
0 Replies
 
Below viewing threshold (view)
engineer
 
  2  
Reply Wed 20 Jul, 2022 06:33 am
@ZZtopanga,
ZZtopanga wrote:

I’m worried my husband is disrespectful and emotionally abusive.

I think you need to leave ASAP. Take the dog with you.
0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Jul, 2022 06:54 am
@ZZtopanga,
Sorry to see this. You deserve better. This all has to stop as these behaviors are dangerous to your health and your daughter’s too. This sets a poor example for her future relationships.

ZZtopanga wrote:

I’m the breadwinner in the family, so there aren’t any financial concerns for me. I’m worried my husband is disrespectful and emotionally abusive.


“I am constantly working on it. I do all of the housework. “

“He is constantly criticizing me. Every day I am told how I should be doing something.”

….

“He got so upset yesterday that the dog dug a two inch hole in the yard. He threatened to hit the dog next time, and carried a whip.”



He regularly calls me horrible names when we are fighting, and then 25 minutes later acts as if nothing happened. If I let him know that I’m not feeling like chatting with him after one of these incidents, he says “oh you haven’t gotten over that yet”


All of these incidents happened in the last week and a half, so they are pretty frequent.

He can be a decent person at times, but whenever I express my frustration or let him know how I am feeling, he says I’m too sensitive, and that’s I need to see a psychiatrist to find out what’s wrong with me. “



You’ve stated all of this and not written about whether or not you love him. You’ve even written that you think he’s a decent person. You need to understand that his behavior is not what decent people do. He’s manipulating you and verbally abusing you. He’s controlling you as well.stop allowing that to happen. You need to get your confidence back and that won’t happen with all of these behaviors continuing. Stop allowing this. This may take counseling for you or marital counseling and/or both.

We all have faults but threatening harm to the dog over the dog normal dog behavior is a sign of being very unwell. Manipulation is destructive . If You’re the breadwinner and the maid, that should stop. What does he contribute positively, financially or emotionally?

This seems very unrewarding. When and how will it stop? It’s up to you to break the chain.
0 Replies
 
kesiping
 
  -4  
Reply Wed 20 Jul, 2022 11:38 am
I have always believed that the person who brings in the dough is the actual "head" of the family. It just so happens that you are a female stuck in a "man's world".
You have considered leaving him. It simply means, your attention has been diverted elsewhere.
Always be honest with yourself and I do not think it is bad to say what you feel.
Talk to him and maybe you could sort things out or take a moment to be away from each other for awhile.
0 Replies
 
coluber2001
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Jul, 2022 11:59 am
Forget the marriage counselor unless he agrees to go with you. Go to a clinical therapist, especially a redecision therapist to learn why you accept abuse and then work with the therapist to change the decisions you made in childhood. It's not that difficult and doesn't take a long time. Fix yourself and move on. If your husband agrees to help himself, then you can work it out. If not, adios.

https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/redecision-therapy
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  3  
Reply Wed 20 Jul, 2022 02:06 pm
@ZZtopanga,
Do you really have to ask? Lose that idiot at once!
Toss his sorry ass out the door or if you're afraid of him, move yourself
immediately. It seems he's not even working.

Why put up with **** like this - you only have 1 life to live, don't waste it with a$$holes.
0 Replies
 
Medusax
 
  1  
Reply Thu 21 Jul, 2022 07:33 pm
@ZZtopanga,
Seeeeee ya........
0 Replies
 
BarbaraRutkowska
 
  -2  
Reply Fri 22 Jul, 2022 02:20 am
@ZZtopanga,
roger say right
0 Replies
 
lili8659
 
  -1  
Reply Fri 22 Jul, 2022 07:27 am
@ZZtopanga,
i think he has some issues
0 Replies
 
kesiping
 
  1  
Reply Wed 3 Aug, 2022 10:46 am
@ZZtopanga,
From the looks of it, you still have things under control. However, do know that martyrs are called martyrs because they are dead. Suffering from so many things which leads only to pain. I am not saying that you fight back but at least have the decency to have some self-respect.
I have a close friend who may technically be in the same scenario. She was an abused housewife. Her partner was cheating on her and she has bruises when we meet over coffee at times. She eventually showed me a message one time where she finally got fed up and hired a hitman online. She got the idea from a blog or something. Now, don't do that. That is an extreme method for fighting back. Though her d!ck of a partner is gone, I can see her more cheerful now but I guess she will be stuck with the thought forever.
What I am saying is, have some self-respect. Leave if you must or at least be honest with your partner with what you are feeling.
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Thu 4 Aug, 2022 03:30 am
@kesiping,
That's only one definition of martyr.

There are others, someone who exagerrates their condition can be said to play the martyr, and someone who constantly suffers from a condition can be a martyr to, backache,migraines etc.

That's just the noun definitions, martyr is also a verb.
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Aug, 2022 08:43 pm
@izzythepush,
Donald Trump sees himself as a martyr for American Freedom, However, he is also mentally disturbed and a self aggrandizer.
0 Replies
 
 

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