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My cousin is pregnant by and planning on marrying an old friend who is hiding that he is transgender

 
 
styren
 
Reply Thu 26 May, 2022 09:32 am
So my cousin announced she is pregnant and going to get married on Facebook. In her post she included a picture of her and her fiancé. He is an old college friend. We were really close in college and he told me that he was transgender and wanted to transition to a woman. Slowly during our time at school he did. A couple years after we graduated though we sort of just drifted apart and fell out of contact.

It seems that he has untransitioned (don’t know what word to use). Towards the end of school and for some time later he had been dressing in very feminine clothing, wearing makeup, and was using female pronouns. In all my cousins posts that include him he is now back to looking and dressing how he did when I first met him (very masculine) and is currently using masculine pronouns again (so that’s what I’m going to use in this post).

I know it’s bad, but my curiosity got the better of me and I ended up snooping online. I found an old social media account that he used to use to post anonymously about transgender stuff. He’s still using it. On it he’s made comments about being trans, but hiding it specifically from my cousin because he doesn’t want to lose her. He has apparently had a lot of trouble dating over the years and said it was easier to date as a man. He talked about an old college girlfriend he had who broke up with him when she found out. So he’s afraid of telling my cousin. The worst thing though was that there were several replies that encouraged him to keep it a secret from her. At least until after the wedding and the baby so she was “locked in”.

I don’t know I just find that last part a little bit disturbing. I feel like my cousin has a right to know. Especially since she is not gay or bisexual. However I know that outing someone is like one of the most horrible things you can do and I don't want to be the one to do it. I’m wondering if I should just maybe anonymously send her a link to his anonymous account and posts so she can see undeniable proof herself and can privately choose how to deal with it. I don’t know. Somehow saying something feels really wrong, but also not saying something feels really wrong. What do I do? I really wish I didn't know all this.

There’s also a chance I could see him again on Monday. My aunt and uncle (my cousins parents) are throwing a Memorial Day bbq as a sort of engagement party and to introduce him to the family. I sort of want to say I’m busy though so I don't have to see him and deal with this.
 
glitterbag
 
  2  
Reply Thu 26 May, 2022 09:52 am
@styren,
Well, the safest thing might be to go and make sure you say Hi. If he thinks the transgender thing can remain a secret, just having you show up could nip that in the bud. There is always the chance that his blog stuff is just over-imagination........I don't know, and even your suspicion may be incorrect.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Thu 26 May, 2022 12:19 pm
@styren,
Perhaps you could contact him and tell him your dilemma. It's not fair or right for him to be hiding this big of a secret from someone. She has the right to know.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 26 May, 2022 12:37 pm
@Mame,
Mame wrote:

Perhaps you could contact him and tell him your dilemma. It's not fair or right for him to be hiding this big of a secret from someone. She has the right to know.


That is exactly what I was going to suggest - I'd reach out to him. Tell him although you respect his choices it is unfair to hide such a bit part of his life to someone that you are making a life time commitment to - would it be better he marries her and once she finds out she divorces him - which is likely to happen even due to a larger part of his deception .
0 Replies
 
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Thu 26 May, 2022 04:43 pm
@Mame,
This is a better answer than mine, calling him makes so much more sense.
0 Replies
 
styren
 
  1  
Reply Thu 26 May, 2022 05:57 pm
@Mame,
Okay, so I tried messaging him through his anonymous account since that’s the only contact info I have. Basically just said I was her cousin and that I think he needs to tell her the truth. It doesn’t say whether or not he read my message, but I think he did because not long after his account disappeared. I tried looking for it using my boyfriends account, but it still didn’t come up. I scrolled down a bunch in a sub I knew he posted in and I was able to find one of his old posts. In the area where it says the posters username it now just says [deleted]. I looked it up and it said that that’s what happens on Reddit when someone deletes their account. So now I don’t have any other way to contact him. I haven’t been able to find him on any other social media.
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Thu 26 May, 2022 06:48 pm
@styren,
So what are you going to do now? Confront him when you see him (discreetly, of course)? Or tell your cousin? Or just let it go?
styren
 
  1  
Reply Thu 26 May, 2022 07:14 pm
@Mame,
I don’t know. I’m not sure how discreet I’d be able to be at the bbq. My aunt and uncles place isn’t huge and there’s gonna be a bunch of people. Not a good chance we’ll be able to talk privately.

I don’t think I can let it go either. She’s one of my favorite family members. I’d feel awful about keeping it a secret from her. I guess I can’t tell her anonymously anymore either since he’ll know it was me who told her. It’s just such a messy situation. I really wish I just didn’t know.

Do you think it would be better if I let it go? Someone else on here said maybe it’s just all his own make believe. Although I really doubt it.

I’m probably going to just stew over it all weekend until I make a real decision.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 26 May, 2022 07:26 pm
@styren,
Do you have any mutual friends from college...someone that might have his personal information?
styren
 
  1  
Reply Thu 26 May, 2022 07:33 pm
@Linkat,
No, I dont
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Thu 26 May, 2022 09:14 pm
@styren,
Are you close to either your Aunt or Uncle?
0 Replies
 
neptuneblue
 
  3  
Reply Thu 26 May, 2022 11:30 pm
@styren,
styren wrote:
I don’t think I can let it go either. She’s one of my favorite family members. I’d feel awful about keeping it a secret from her. I guess I can’t tell her anonymously anymore either since he’ll know it was me who told her. It’s just such a messy situation. I really wish I just didn’t know.


I think you are assuming a bunch of things. You don't really know anything. You haven't seen or known this person in a very long time. You are assuming he hasn't told your cousin or that she hasn't known about his gender as an issue in their relationship.

You've tried and failed to reach out to him and was blocked from your efforts. You somehow think this is your secret to tell. It isn't. Not your circus, not your monkey...

Even if you do manage to break up this relationship (because that's exactly what you're planning to do) are you prepared for the fallout you, yourself have caused? Do you honestly think interfering in someone else's relationship is a healthy thing to do?

Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Fri 27 May, 2022 07:04 am
@neptuneblue,
Quote:
Not your circus, not your monkey...


I see a bit of your point in this and how you state you are making a lot of assumptions. I think that is why most of us are trying ways of suggesting how she can speak to him. I don't think the goal here is to break them up, but to let the cousin know he is potential hiding this pretty bit thing in his life.

I honestly do not like the above quote - it is sort of like a way out rather than making any sort of help. There are situations where this is true - but I think this situation is very close to a fine line.

For example, if someone is on the street getting kicked and beaten by someone else - do you say oh not my circus not my monkey and walk away and do nothing? Probably not - this is a life threatening situation and we should feel a personal responsibility to help - whether it is calling the police or jumping in - if you strong enough to put a stop to it.

This is not life threatening but is life impacting. I think encouraging this man to share the truth (if he has) is the best route. Explaining hiding something is not the best way to start a marriage and it is better to work things out prior to getting married.

I am not huge on reaching out to the cousin just for the reasons you state - if you are wrong in any assumptions (who knows maybe this guys is just grandstanding on this website) -or maybe he has discussed this with your cousin and she is ok with it.

Can you find him on facebook or maybe through any alumni addresses/phone numbers if you university has such a contact list? Try not to be confrontational on it - and try to be respectful of him - but concern for the both of them - for example if he does have this hidden life - it may be best for him to pursue that rather than getting married.

Sorry you had to see all this - and I wish you the best on it.
neptuneblue
 
  0  
Reply Fri 27 May, 2022 10:45 am
@Linkat,
There's a BIG difference in watching an assault take place and interfering into a relationship that has no bearing on the OP.

There is no way this CANNOT be confrontational, just the subject matter alone is accusatory in nature and demeaning in context. The covert/clandestine Facebook stalkerish behavior needs to stop immediately.

If OP really wanted to help the cousin, then do so directly. Call her up and explain why OP thinks the father of her cousin's child is transgender, dishonest and a liar. I'm sure that will go over well.
PoliteMight
 
  -1  
Reply Fri 27 May, 2022 11:42 am
@styren,
College is a time of experimentation. You have girls who claim to be lesbians after being associated with feminism and womans center of their college to even being against racism.

However with time and usually being home sick they flip that mentality around and go the other way. Usually making feminism a hobby or cult while serving under their husbands.

It is like "lets go to college to get her experience with people and places outside of her life".

............

Point being even guys have _____ experiences of the opposite sex or think certain ways.

I feel sorry for the young man who got a sex change recently in the news and "he wants to go back"
0 Replies
 
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Fri 27 May, 2022 11:48 am
This is all so confusing. If he is transgender and doesn't tell the cousin, it's deceitful but not criminal. If the cousin marries the man and THEN finds out about transgender life style, either she already knows and is fine with it...........or she is thunderstruck and then finds out her family knew but didn't say anything because it was none of their business.

I honestly don't know what I would do, but I might want to at least call my cousin and just mention that I was in college with the fiancee. Maybe this guy just has a vivid imagination and likes to sound 'complex' online, I really don't know. Hopefully this guy is being honest with your cousin.
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Fri 27 May, 2022 01:16 pm
@neptuneblue,
neptuneblue wrote:

There's a BIG difference in watching an assault take place and interfering into a relationship that has no bearing on the OP.

There is no way this CANNOT be confrontational, just the subject matter alone is accusatory in nature and demeaning in context. The covert/clandestine Facebook stalkerish behavior needs to stop immediately.

If OP really wanted to help the cousin, then do so directly. Call her up and explain why OP thinks the father of her cousin's child is transgender, dishonest and a liar. I'm sure that will go over well.


I was using the assault thing as to why I do not like that statement -

This could be life changing - just because something is physical vs emotional or mental like some one lying about their true lifestyle and preference - does not make it any less harmful. People die by suicide as a result of things like this. So yes, it can be just as harmful.

I do not see how reaching out to a former friend and saying I am worried about the two of you - that maybe if you really want to live this other lifestyle that getting married might not be right for you. I am worried you are both making a mistake - out of concern for both of you - I just had to say my peace.

I had a friend that was engaging in an affair with a married man. I pulled her aside and told her something similar - I said you are an adult, so I am just going to say this to you once because I care about you - talked about how it would more likely end up being hurtful for her. She listened continued on - and then got hurt - we still remained friends - you can tactfully address something like this and still be careful and caring.
0 Replies
 
styren
 
  1  
Reply Fri 27 May, 2022 01:54 pm
@styren,
Don't know what happened, but the heard through family that the bbq is now cancelled.
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Fri 27 May, 2022 01:57 pm
@styren,
Well Yikes, I don't know if that is good or bad..........
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Fri 27 May, 2022 01:59 pm
@glitterbag,
glitterbag wrote:

Well Yikes, I don't know if that is good or bad..........


Shocked
0 Replies
 
 

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