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Should a couple discuss donations they make?

 
 
Reply Mon 23 May, 2022 05:04 pm
My wife just told me that about a month ago she had donated to a cause I feel ambivalent about. I said I would have expected her to tell me about it sooner if not discuss it beforehand. She became very upset by this.

We have a single family budget and we always discuss (or, I guess, have previously always discussed) any expenses that aren't absolutely required. We both work and we make enough to put food on the table and pay off our mortgage, but not much more beyond that.

My problem isn't the amount or the donation itself, but the fact she didn't think to share this with me. Was it wrong of me to tell her how I felt about this?

Thank you for any advice!

P.S. I can provide more details about the cause and what I think of it, but this is secondary. Please let me know if you need this additional info to provide an informed answer.
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Type: Question • Score: 8 • Views: 916 • Replies: 22
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Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 May, 2022 05:21 pm
@Obfuscator,
If the amount doesn't matter then I don't try think I would care. I guess put it to you this way, do you discuss every item you purchase? Like say you go out to lunch, would you discuss this purchase before actually buying your lunch?

Or say you are out and see some sneakers you like do you ask your wife before you buy it? If you don't in either case then I don't see any reason why this would be different. But if you typically do or the amount was high (but you did say you didn't have a problem with the amount) then I can see being upset.

Also I see no reason discussing this. If something bothers you you should discuss. But she might not agree she needed to clear this with you. Maybe come up with an agreement say put together a budget including donations ...say you agree on $100 for donations and you both could decide on a place to donate in total or say split it and each choose your iwn
Obfuscator
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 May, 2022 06:42 pm
@Linkat,
Please see below for more details. And I don't think she did anything wrong per se, so there's nothing to forgive. I just felt like I deserved to be told about it -- not to be asked for permission, but just to be made aware of it.

She and I seem to have different priorities regarding who or what deserves to be donated to. However, I can't have a say in it if I don't know about it, can I? I suspect she did not tell me about precisely because she didn't want us to have a discussion about the merits of the cause.

She donated 60 euro (about 70 US dollars) to an animal shelter. This is a small but kind gesture, and it might even help some animals get better care. However, the animal shelter is in Ukraine. There is an actual war going on there, with tens of thousands of people dead and millions displaced from their homes over the last 3 months. With so many people suffering, I would certainly consider directing donations toward helping people before animals. I would also do due diligence to check that the person or charity can be trusted to spend the funds the way they claim to.

How this came up: I suggested she could hold a fundraiser on Facebook (she has 7000+ friends and followers) selling one of her pieces of art, and we could then donate the proceeds to a charity in Ukraine. That's when she said she had already made a (smaller) donation a month ago.

For more background about us: we don't typically donate to public causes, but we help our family back home where we come from (which is not Ukraine).

The amount is not going to break us; that's not the point. The point is to share things and keep each other in the loop -- like a couple, you know? This issue was important enough for her to open her PayPal and send the money, but not enough to tell me about it.
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 May, 2022 08:00 pm
@Obfuscator,
First, I have to check with my husband, so if he permits me, I will offer a suggestion.
Obfuscator
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 May, 2022 08:44 pm
@glitterbag,
Do you and your husband have a limited supply of opinions and suggestions that you can voice on forums?
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 May, 2022 08:46 pm
@Obfuscator,
I'm waiting to get his permission.
0 Replies
 
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 May, 2022 10:53 pm
@Obfuscator,
Obfuscator wrote:
And I don't think she did anything wrong per se, so there's nothing to forgive.


That's a lie. And you should at least acknowledge that. You have a big problem she spent money that wasn't discussed, to a cause you don't believe in and an amount you feel is too extravagant.

That's why you posted this, correct?

The first way to solve a problem is to admit there is one.

So, how is this really a problem in any way?
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 May, 2022 10:58 pm
@neptuneblue,
I suppose your husband was ok with you're response to this query? 😎.
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 May, 2022 11:22 pm
@glitterbag,
I dunno. I didn't ask.
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 May, 2022 11:24 pm
@neptuneblue,
I didn't ask either, just needed a little entertainment out of the $70 animal feed story.
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 May, 2022 11:36 pm
@glitterbag,
Between the four different types of bird seed, corn and assorted feed for squirrels, deer food and salt licks, hummingbird syrup (made fresh daily), cat food and treats for three extremely ungrateful mongrels plus fresh and dried catnip, bunnies, opossums, raccoons and other assorted creatures that consume suet, husks, salads and vegetable left overs, this guy seems like a cheap bastard to me.

Just sayin'...
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 24 May, 2022 05:18 am
@Obfuscator,
So now I understand why she did not discuss this with you because she knew you would react this way. If the amount is not an issue then why does it matter what she spent it in?

You are both adults, there are going to be things she thinks is worth spending money on and supporting and there are ones that you will that and she will not...if it is not illegal or immoral then her choice isn't wrong and I am sure you might choice to spend money on something she thinks is a waste but that doesn't make you wrong simply a difference of opinion.

I suggest ...and I did something suggest earlier..you asked what we suggested so here I am...together you determine an amount in which is reasonable and low enough that you don't need to report to each other (because most reasonable people can see it doesn't make sense to clear every purchase with their partner- for example you never answered whether you clear it with your wife what you are going buy for lunch or if you can purchase a beer after work). your purchases then she can donate to a cause she feel is worthy and you can buy a shirt that she feels is ugly as sin.

This cause probably hits her heart and although you might find using money on animals us wasteful many reasonable people find it otherwise. This eliminates your differences on what is worthy to use money on and what is not.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Tue 24 May, 2022 05:36 am
@Obfuscator,
I see you say you're a single income family and your money is tight. Given that, I do understand why you'd be a little upset at one of you donating without a discussion, regardless of where it went.
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Tue 24 May, 2022 05:45 am
@Mame,
You've misread that. Both of them work and contribute to the household budget.
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Tue 24 May, 2022 06:05 am
@neptuneblue,
You're right, thank you.

That casts a different light on it. I don't really see why she would have to discuss this with you before donating. You don't object to her donating so what difference does it make where she donates? My husband has some charities he favours and he gives something to everyone who comes to the door - I have absolutely no idea to whom or how much ... and I don't care. I don't see why it matters so much to you. Does she have to have a discussion with you about other ways she spends her money?
0 Replies
 
engineer
 
  1  
Reply Tue 24 May, 2022 06:44 am
@Obfuscator,
I think for small expenditures, no there is no need to discuss and this seems like a small expenditure in your budget from the way you describe it. From what I read, you think people are more important than animals and this money could have been better spent. She may feel that there are plenty of people supporting other charities and this one needs the help more. That's probably a good conversation to have. That said, this is not a hill to die on. It's not like she is giving to a charity that is diametrically opposed to your beliefs, nor is she donating money you were going to use for groceries. In a marriage, you should pick your fights wisely and this one doesn't qualify.
0 Replies
 
PoliteMight
 
  -4  
Reply Tue 24 May, 2022 05:23 pm
@Obfuscator,
Well for starters does this cause have a website or youtube page or something???

Quick solution...... just start pinching the penny when it comes to certain expenses until the amount is made up for, and then go back to being regular.

Honest to gosh a story I tell. A couple had a family business. They also went to church. The wife took a huge sum of the money and donated it to the church. The family took a vote to kick mommy to the curb. Now they all are metal-heads giving the devil-sign, while mommy belongs to the cul....church that brought them apart.

0 Replies
 
PatRussell
 
  1  
Reply Thu 26 May, 2022 03:41 pm
@Obfuscator,
I think the amount is probably small enough that it does not merit discussion. If she is doing this with several charities every month - then it would be a problem. I am a wife who has done exactly the same thing, knowing how we are situated financially. If your finances change, then you need to let her know that.
The Anointed
 
  -2  
Reply Thu 26 May, 2022 09:14 pm
@PatRussell,
Would you expect your husband to discuss with you the fact that he was donating to the sperm bank?
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Thu 26 May, 2022 09:24 pm
@The Anointed,
So should she tell him if she's planning on becoming a donor mom? Just wondering.
 

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