in love with a "happily"married man (?)

There are a number of possibilities.

He is a chronic philanderer, and you are one of a string of conquests.

He has reached the BIG Five-O, is having a midlife crisis, and you caught his fancy.

No matter what it is, he has spelled it out very clearly. His wife comes first. If you want to settle for sloppy seconds, be my guest, but know what you are getting yourself into.

After a few weeks, you really don't know this guy. Why not retreat, while you have not put too much time and emotional effort into a relationship that can bring nothing but heartache for you?

BTW, welcome to A2K!

And, isn't this weird?

I am in the position of the mistress (my first time) telling my married loved man what is gonna happen.
he is NOT the typical married man pouting for an unhappy marriage, all the opposite. He also states he can be balanced and won't get bored of this (we'll see, I know).

Sometimes this leads me to think that he could have his wife knowing about his mistress everyone's happy. As said in my former post, I prefer his wife to know and, either continue without lies, or just stop it now.
I also know that you may think that I believe in flying pink elephants.

Thank you Phoenix for your kind answer!

I investigated him and he is not a playboy. I think is more a 50 y.o. midlife crisis (even if he denies it). He has been overweight (and felt unattractive) for a number of years, and has lost 45 lbs in the last year. He is very proud about it and he looks much younger than his wife at this point. He keeps saying that I make him feel 20 y.younger.

You are right, Phoenix. I am trying to resist his enthusiastic, infatuated love words and keep it cool, and in control (my emotions, I mean).

Morning Dew--

Welcome to A2K.

Your lover wants it all--Wife and the world they've built together over the years and wild, passionate love with a younger mistress.

As you've observed, it is very doubtful that his wife would agree with this masculine plan. When she finds out, she will be terribly hurt. She could probably accept a fling more easily than the continuing deception of an established mistress.

He "loves" her--but he doesn't care whether or not his actions hurt her.

Lying doesn't bother him at all. Undoubtedly he sees his deception as "protecting" his wife. Will he "protect" you when the crunch comes?

As Phoenix said, if you're happy being a poopsie-on-the-side, go for it--and be prepared for heartache down the road.

From your post can I safely assume that you are much younger than him?
Morning Dew, right now he is (rightly) enthralled with himself. He has gone from comfortable, paunchy middle age, to a sleek young stud. He is intoxicated by the idea. And there is nothing more intoxicating to a man who thought that a beautiful young woman would never be attracted to him ever again, to find a young gal who is interested in him.

In my opinion, he needs to work through his life changes with himself and his wife.

you are going to eventually start causing problems with her wife he is not going to want to be with her, make love if still does it, nothing. he is confused and you will bring terrible pain to that marriage if you dont stop right now and cut him out cold turkey.. is not your place if they got children this will suffer too.

you allready know this. you may do what you want

the only real problem in his marriage is you. you are taking his affection away from his wife .
what goes around comes around

Yes, you are all right in one way or the other. First, I am not that young, I am 42 y.o. Second, his children are fully grown, and they are all married, some with children (the youngest is 23 y.o.).

I respect moral values, but this is not my direct point here.

My question is not a moral one here, my question is emotional-psychological: why such a happily married man falls into this, and keeps saying he is happy, stable, and balanced but still keep doing this.

Phoenix is correct in his/her assesment. I do think that he is going through a midlife crisis, and he does not see it yet.

I appreciate input and advice. I will let you posted what comes out of this.
Dew.

I've observed many among people in their fifties scrambling for a kind of renewal, and that is often a good thing. Midlife crisis is a misnomer to me, as I've seen it in every decade...
Still, this fellow seems almost a poster child of renewed sense of self on weightloss.

But the weight loss - and let me guess, he has actually had his hair styled, or bought one or more men's magazines...

I'm not mocking, but - at this point I don't think it is good for you to be the one to help him knock his longstanding wife aside. And for the wife, it can be horrible, and at this point in life, if it is the first time... incredible to deal with.

I'm also not superior in tone here, I've had such an affair though not exactly the same and remain obtusely unapologetic. Still, you are best out of there.


Edit to say,

those two people, husband and wife need to deal with each other. Their marriage is their business and needs to be resolved. If this is the love of your life, back off and wait, probably for quite a while. If it isn't, back off and move along. Almost none of this is about you, and I mean that not unkindly.

I hope you are not planning, consciously or unconsciously, to break up his marriage. You know what I mean: the phone call to his wife, or some other form of sabotage. One of my best friends had the immaturity to have an affair with a younger woman. She eventually called his wife. It turned out that he would have nothing to do with the younger wife for her betrayal, and his wife, while staying with him for financial reasons, cut him out of her affections for his betrayal. He has been trying for years now to win her back. They live in the same house but in different bedrooms. It was a lose-lose situation for everyone.
Find yourself an unmarried man.

hey girl, something like this happened to me when i was 19. a 37 yr old fell in love with me, well thats what he said. i always thought it was just maybe infatuation, but i dont know. i was in college when i met him. we were best friends. he was married with two kids. back then i really wasn't attracted to him, I mean sexually nor physically; I was attracted in a different way; I cared about him. I did have a b/f in college who was a prick, no excuse though; i met this guy everywhere, except when i was 19 my intentions werent' bad; i just kept telling myself he is just a friend nothing more; until one day he said he loved me and if his wife ever past away he would look for me. something like that. he did try to kiss me and i backed away. phew im so happy at 26 now remembering i did back away. This is something i am ashamed of. I regret it. I dont' regret knowing him, but i regret the people i hurt; he ended up telling his wife he cared for me, im not sure what else, but i hope he didnt tell her everything he felt. until this day, i blocked it out; i was 19 in a bad relationship, thought he was my soul mate; i thought i could have a best friend as a man and a b/f at the same time, but its totally wrong. i dont think about it anymore, it took a long time to block it out. If he is married get out as soon as you can. * for me we both just stopped one day talking. it was the best thing that could happen. its just infatuation unless you feel in your heart you really love him...but he is married and devoted to someone else. people never change. Oh and i am a firm believer you can always fall in love with more then one person, just cant' let that happen when you are married or involved in another relationship.

good luck

Right on.


(edit - the right on was to jln)

Why? He's full of ****, that's why. He's yanking your chain, blowing smoke up your skirt, pulling the wool over your eyes, etc. You're 42? You should know better.

Re: in love with a "happily"married man (?)
My advice is too seek counseling. Fix yourself and only then seek a relationship with a new person who you have never met who is close to your age and *single*.

Re: in love with a "happily"married man (?)


Are you really in love with this man? I mean, really? You knew him a sum total of 5 weeks and then you had to leave that jobsite and return to your real world. What a whirlwind romance that must have been. And how terribly exciting for you, a 42 year old single woman being wooed and seduced by the handsome stranger you just met. He says all the right things, professes his love for you. This is almost like the movies, except it is real! Right? Real, true love? Could it be, by any chance that you were very much in need of some tender love at this time in your life, a bit lonely sometimes and the first innocent flirtations between the two of you just got out of control, each of you needing assurance that you are both still vital and attractive and sexy?

He'll brush off his wife of what...24 years and feel it is ok to lie to her. You have really only known him for 5 weeks in person. Do you think he could be lying to you as well? The big "I love you....I am IN love with you are words that wanting ears long to hear so badly. Had he not said anything of love to you, do you honestly think you would still feel this strong attraction to him?

He said ALL the right words to reel you in and keep you on his line. He knows he has a free pass to your bed anytime the two of you meet up for business. He has laid it out and is already planning out the next time oh so perfectly.

Sweetie, don't be anyone's fool, least of all this married man trying so hard to live out his own mid life crisis. Unfortunately, I think you are being played and when the music is over, it is you who will go home alone again.

You want an answer on just emotions instead of morals. Well I can tell you emotionally stay away from this man, you are in for a lot of hurt in the future. It will all come down on you, he will end up with his wife in the long run and you are left holding all the responsibility in this. Most me just want for themselves, he sounds like a very selfish man to me. He wants you and says he loves you but he is not thinking about what this affair could do to your future. Trust me in this stay away from me like this, one you will never trust him even if you do end up with him. Who cares if he just lost weight and is feeling good about himself, so he needs his ego stoked why does that have to be you, let it be his wife. Let go before you get to far into this.

by the way in the post I just wrote, I meant to type men for some reason I just typed me. Re-read it with spelling as men

trfirst--

You know you can edit your posts, if no one else posts immediately after.

Look at the little boxes in the top right hand corner of your reply box, click on "Edit" and rewrite the past without anguish.

Would that life worked that way.

You can edit your posts any time. Deleting a post can only be done if no one else has posted.