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How to divide up time between friends and a relationship?

 
 
LDeleon
 
Reply Thu 28 Apr, 2022 04:58 am
A girl and I are in between a relationship and being best friends. We're not officially together but we're more than best friends.

I am finding myself spending less and less time with my friends since I want to spend as much time with her as I can, it's just more enjoyable and what I prefer. It makes me wonder when we become (fingers crossed) officially together how exactly do I divide my time up between her and my friends?

On the one hand I have heard that you should never devote yourself completely to one person (even when married apparently) and always maintain friend time for a healthy relationship. But what if you enjoy your time with this person more than with friends, isn't that kind of forcing yourself to do what you don't want to do?

The other thing I'm worried about is friends having an issue with me not spending as much time with them and calling me out on it. I really don't know what I would say.

How do you find a balance between friend time and relationship time that works for you, and is it ok to have more time on one than the other?
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Thu 28 Apr, 2022 05:29 am
Are you and she in the same general friend group? If so, then suggest some sort of group activity. Table top games. A day hike. Museum or movie and dinner. Local convention or flea market. Whatever works for your posse.

BTW I would suggest starting now, before anything official happens. Don't wait for that to happen, if it ever does.

And if you and she aren't in the same group of friends, then what's stopping you from introducing her to them?
Linkat
 
  2  
Reply Thu 28 Apr, 2022 06:58 am
@jespah,
Great ideas!

My daughter is recently dating someone in last few months. What they have been doing is almost as jespah suggested. They will sometimes go out as a group with his friends and then with her friends and then also just the two of them or any combination. My daughter also still sees her friends frequently without him as well.

There are 7 days in a week - even if you work or go to school fulltime there seems plenty of time to spend with a variety of different friend groups and as a couple.
0 Replies
 
LDeleon
 
  1  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2022 05:21 am
@jespah,
The group activity is a great idea since you're with that person, but technically with others as well, so you're out together but technically out with friends as well. Not quite sure why I didn't work that out earlier!

In practice though there are a few "social challenges" to make that happen though. Firstly we are not in the same group of friends at high school, she has a mostly girls group and we have a mostly guys group, we only have one mutual friend who usually doesn't sit with either of us and has her own group of friends too.

So from either my end or hers, asking our group to do a joint activity with the other group is going to be treated as weird or suspicious. I know for my friends, especially if they're not interested in anyone from that group, the first thing they'll think is that I'm doing it because I like someone from that group, unless it is an event where we all happen to be there randomly eg. school event/excursion. So if I was my friends I would be thinking: so you like this girl and you want to drag all of us out to make a move, what's in it for me? It doesn't bother me that they would know I'm interested, but it feels a bit self serving that's all. And I can't talk for her, but I suspect a group of girls being asked to a social activity with a group guys they don't usually talk to will be treated awkwardly too. Unless of course we invited just our friends without telling them who else was also going, a bit sneaky though, and not sure it would work after the first time.

It almost seems like it would be easier if we were official because then our intentions are clear to both groups.
LDeleon
 
  1  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2022 05:36 am
Also I'm not too experienced at this sort of thing, but my understanding is that there are some relationships where the two people "click" and devote a large portion of their spare time just to each other early on because that's what they prefer. It's kind of the romcom cliche. I keep getting warned by friends and family about the pitfalls of falling too deep too fast (they keep telling me to watch 500 Days of Summer actually), but I'm not really wired to go into something like this holding back, and second guessing when things might fail.

So with that said, do you think good friends should also have some level of understanding and accept that if you're in a relationship that will mean less time with them overall? From my perspective, if my friend has a girlfriend I'd never complain to them that I don't see them much anymore, it would bother me not seeing my friend but I would respect their choice, because it would feel so much more awkward getting in between the two of them.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2022 05:54 am
@LDeleon,
... or you could throw a party for everyone (doesn't have to be a blowout) for everyone to get acquainted.

After all, if you're in high school then I can pretty much guarantee that your guy friends won't want to go to a party without at least some girls (yes, even a group of 100% gay guys would probably be fine with some girls at a party).
Cybermonster
 
  1  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2022 10:06 am
@LDeleon,
You know, I think you have to live your life so you can do what you want to do, not try to deliberately divide it up.
LDeleon
 
  2  
Reply Sun 1 May, 2022 02:04 am
@jespah,
That could definitely work! Thanks
0 Replies
 
LDeleon
 
  1  
Reply Sun 1 May, 2022 02:08 am
@Cybermonster,
Yeah I know what you mean, it feels to me like this constant juggling act and no matter what I do eventually I'll drop the ball which will make someone unhappy. But I guess if I'm not unhappy then whether everyone else is or not doesn't matter that much either. Hopefully I can find a happy medium.
0 Replies
 
Zavala
 
  -2  
Reply Sun 1 May, 2022 10:12 am
@jespah,
My suggestion The person who engaged someone or likes her divides their time Especially meeting friends on a weekend & an hour or 2 hours normally bu, on the other hand, spend a lot of time with their Girlfriend future wife it gets beneficial for both of them.
0 Replies
 
Mrknowspeople
 
  -2  
Reply Mon 2 May, 2022 06:26 pm
@LDeleon,
Dear oh dear. You do you and make them comply,
0 Replies
 
 

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