Am I setting myself up for hurt?

Thu 7 Apr, 2022 09:16 am
I'm in a relationship with someone for 7 months. At his suggestion, we have decided to live together starting in a few months. We are older so I'm not certain if the recommended one year rule applies. However, while he'd be moving into a newer and larger apt, I'm coming from my large home to a different town 50 miles away.

Here's what I do know about him....he is who he appears to be. By that I mean, he has nice adult kids, a brother he is close with and many nice friends, all of whom seem well grounded. He is a lawyer and does not bullshxx or otherwise mislead. However, he seems hypersensitive about his ex wife. They were married for 34 years and been divorced for 3.5 years or so. She asked for the divorce but she is alone and do not believe she has gotten through it. He has told her he is in a relationship with me and apparently, she has been worse to deal with than before. Their son is engaged and having an engagement party (the son and fiancé are giving it just for their friends and their parents and not the parents' friends). He told me the other night about this and said I'm not included because his ex would be too upset and she's emotionally fragile from the divorce. This was on top of a mutual friends' wedding for their son out of town that I was excluded from and the wedding shower b/c he told me “it was be too uncomfortable for his ex“. I told him I'm his partner and his ex is just that, an ex! By the way, he refers to her by name and never uses the “ex“ term.

I further told him that the only people before me should be his children always but after that, it needs to be me. Further, I told him he compares me with his ex even telling me we both dress nicely...told him that is totally inappropriate and I never need to hear her name unless absolutely necessary. He was understanding and not defensive. Told me he loves me and would not be wanting to live with me unless he wants to have me in his life. Of course, moving is an advantage to him since it's in his area of town and he won't be spending any more money but will have a larger unit, albeit sharing it with me. I, on the other hand, have to sell a large home and move to another town. I do really like the new area but there's much more involved for me so I told him I need to know I'm not going to be 3rd fiddle and moving forward, I need to be part of his family's celebrations. If his son and his fiancé aren't comfortable with me at this party, that's fine but the reason shouldn't be b/c his ex will feel uncomfortable and may make a scene. I also told him he should be focused on my happiness and not how his ex is feeling - she needs to get therapy or whatever help and I won't be blocked from being involved b/c she always may feel uncomfortable. Am I being reasonable?

He did remove the old photo of him and his ex with their kids and added one pic of us together. Is this enouhg? Should I wait to live with him just in case?
Thu 7 Apr, 2022 09:34 am
Trouble3009 wrote:

If his son and his fiancé aren't comfortable with me at this party, that's fine but the reason shouldn't be b/c his ex will feel uncomfortable and may make a scene.

People aren't in bubbles, it could be that seeing his mother upset upsets him which is why he would not want you there.

Seeing you there will upset his mother and he would rather have his mother there than you.
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Thu 7 Apr, 2022 09:50 am
Live with him just in case?

Just in case of what?

In case you dumping your largest asset to chase a guy who's not fully committed turns out to not be foolish?

In case you catering to this guy's every need while ignoring your own turns out not to be something you'll regret?

Run. Fast. In the other direction. Away from this trainwreck.

3 1/2 years is enough for pretty much everyone to quit being emotionally fragile after a divorce. Hell, the American Psychological Association says mourning past a year for the death of a loved one is a condition called prolonged grief disorder.

This guy's being emotionally manipulated by pretty much everyone. And that will continue unless he either grows a pair and tells them he'll have no more of it, or she gets therapy (assuming she's not just playing for sympathy).

She seems to be having buyer's remorse for divorcing him, probably learning that hey, divorce is expensive. And it's expensive for years, long after the papers are signed. It can radically change a person's lifestyle, and women are often more adversely affected than men are. Or she's not happy seeing him happy and would prefer him to be miserable, just like her.

So I suggest you cut ties now, before things get expensive and bogged down and harder to do.
But if you don't want to leave yet or aren't sure, read on.

If anyone puts their foot down, it needs to be before you sign over your largest asset. And I would also suggest a sit-down with the son and his fiancée to be sure this is what they want—and to assure them that no one wants to spoil their special day. What that means is, if you go through with any of this, then back off from the engagement party and send a card with a check instead. This is not to kowtow to the ex; it's to give respect and consideration to the son and his beloved.

Further, do whatever you can to hold onto your house for the time being. DON'T SELL IT unless you immediately toss the $ in an account in only your name and make some $ on it, and/or you buy another place for yourself. I am serious, and I know a second household is costly. But you need to have an escape hatch. And you need for your main assets to be sequestered from this bullshit.

Given everyone's ages, is he or you near retirement? If so, then there are a lot of guys out there who are looking for more of a nurse than a romantic companion. Sure that's not what this is?

And also, if you're close to retirement, you need to protect yourself financially because it is so easy to lose everything. Take action now, before your faculties start going and you become more vulnerable and easier to manipulate. You have the power to have a pleasant end of life or a not so pleasant one. Fight tooth and nail for the former.

And finally, as they say, fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

You might want to ponder what that means while you consider everything after just seven months with Mr. Wonderful.
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Thu 7 Apr, 2022 09:54 am
Given the big changes you are about to make and the uncertainty you feel about his ex (both huge considerations), I'd wait a while. What's the rush? It hurts to be excluded and it may be that more of that is in the future. I think this fellow should have a sit down with all his family (and maybe a few friends) about his relationship with you and what that may mean to them. For example, he and his ex likely have long-term friendships - does that potentially exclude you from gatherings with them?

You're right - his ex does need to move on and I sincerely hope she does. Her attitude is not fair to her ex-husband, regardless of who he's with.
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Thu 7 Apr, 2022 03:03 pm
Errrmmmmm.....selling YOUR home for HIM??? I'd sit down and think about THAT long and very hard. Seven months is not long enough for this person's hodge-podge of obvious "loose ends". I'd be backing away, but I know that reaction isn't for anyone.
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Thu 7 Apr, 2022 03:45 pm
do whatever you can to hold onto your house for the time being. DON'T SELL IT

True - 100% true.

Me, I would not move - you have a house - he is renting and easier for him to uproot and move so he should. His family is grown and 50 miles is just an hour so it is not like he has little kids he will be picking up from school.

At the very least do not sell until you feel 100% certain you are ready which you are stating doubts so why uproot yourself and sell your home? Also, (depending on what you earn on the home) do you realize you will be having to potentially pay tax on the gains of your home? What are the plans for money you will get on your home? These are all things you need to plan out for your future.
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bobsal u1553115
Fri 8 Apr, 2022 07:48 am
Very few things in life entail no risk. This endeavor has high risk involved. At what point is his ex not going to a reason to "include you out"? A year, ever?

I'd hold onto my house and rent it out. 75% of him is solid. That last 25% causes a need to be watchful. I don't know what state you're in but I'd keep my assets and financials mine and separate.
Fri 8 Apr, 2022 07:01 pm
@bobsal u1553115,
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Tue 12 Apr, 2022 01:15 am
Please don't sell your house. You've only known him for 7 months, wait a little longer, make provisions in your will that the house stays with you or someone you leave it to. Don't enter joint ventures, keep separate bank accounts, no access to your funds without your explicit permission.......just don't sell your house. Living together unmarried isn't a joint venture like marriage. Many people make it work, but sometimes there is trouble.
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