Not asking my nieces father permission to bring her friend on a family trip

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My family has decided to have a big family vacation/reunion this summer. The reunion will be in Hawaii as that's where the majority of my extended family lives. We do plan on all meeting up and staying at a resort though.

My late brothers daughter, Alex, (age 16) has not met a lot of our family aside from me, my sister, and one aunt. So I want her to come on the trip with us. I already asked Alex's mom several weeks ago if she could come (I am paying for her ticket as well as a hotel room) and she has agreed.

Last week I realized that there won't really be anyone else at the reunion that is her age. All our relatives are either much older adults or young children. Alex would be the only teenager there and might get bored. Since my family is very open with friends coming too I told Alex she could invite one of her friends to come along with us and I would pay for their ticket and other expenses as well.

Alex was very happy about that, but has asked me to not tell her mother. Apparently since this trip was first brought up Alex's sister was upset because she wants to go to Hawaii too. Alex's mom and stepdad weren't happy about things being so unequal between the girls, but had gotten her sister to calm down about it as they explained it away as a family trip. Alex is afraid since we are okay with a friend coming with her that her mother will pressure her to bring her half sister with her on the trip or not let her go at all. Instead of bring her best friend, the person she actually wants to come and who we have already invited (I already have talked to her friends parents and they have agreed).

Now if Alex actually wanted her sister to come along it would be okay with it, but she doesn't. The two girls don't actually get along that well. I assume if she found out about Alex's friend coming it would make things worse. Alex really wants to keep it all a secret from them to avoid any issues.

To be honest I'm not that familiar with parenting issues as I am not a parent, so I thought I'd get some outside influence. As far as I can tell we only have three options.

1. Try to keep it a secret that her friend is coming
2. Tell her parents and risk Alex not being able to go on the trip
3. Disinvite Alex's friend

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@dopguy,

That is a pickle - I don't like the idea of keeping secrets as what happens if this is found out. It will cause the parents not to ever trust you again. And with social media - Instagram and every other way kids post their travels and lives - I would think this would be difficult to keep as a secret.

On the other hand - it is YOUR decision who you want to pay for and really none of anyone's business that you paid. That part I can see you leaving out. Is there a way to rely this information that this friend is coming and leave out that you paid for her?

Just mention that it was wonderful that this friend's parents were a position to send her. Word it as such that it sounds like they paid without letting it out of the bag that you paid for her? I think that is fine because it is no business of theirs who paid. Hiding that this friend went with you will be difficult and if found out will cause more of a rift than the other way around.

The other thing is if they mention about their other daughter coming - you could say sure she can come along, but you are not in a position to pay her way so if you can pay for her expense to come- would that work? Do you think they could afford to send her? That might just be enough to stop them.

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@Linkat,

Leaving out the paying thing might help a little. However I don’t think paying for just the sisters ticket alone would be too much for them and then she might actually be able to go. Given that they don’t get along and Alex doesn’t want her to come I don’t think I do either. The last thing I want to deal with is two teenagers that don’t like each other, but would basically be forced to be together for 5 days straight.

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@dopguy,

Could you simply be honest? I would leave out that you are paying for her friend - I don't think you need to ask your niece's dad permission to bring the friend. Simply say it was nice that her parents were able to send her.

Say you would normally like to have her sister but seeing they do not get along, their difference in age/their likes and dislikes and the fact that she would be all alone and left out as a result if she came. You could always preference it by when she is older it would probably be a better situation for her too come along - I am guessing she is significantly younger?

There is also the fact if she is a bit younger she needs more supervision which would be a burden to you. As you plan on not babysitting but having a vacation yourself. A 16 year old requires minimum supervision so that is a big difference.

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@Linkat,

They don’t have a huge age gap actually. Less than two years apart.

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@dopguy,

All this because some kid would get her nose out of joint? Too bad if the kid is upset. There's a reason she's not invited. Can't Alex go somewhere without her? If you want to tell the parents Alex has invited a friend and your family has graciously agreed to host her, that's fine. She's not OBLIGATED to take her sister. And not because they're not full sibs. Full sibs often go away with friends instead of family.

If Alex's parents decide not to send her because of the half-sister, that's on them, not you.

I'd get this conversation over with asap if you're going to have it. You have to cancel flights and rooms, if they're not going.

I also don't agree with keeping secrets. What if the parents of both kids meet each other at the airport? Then you're complicit in the kids' lies and they'll never trust you again. Come clean or tell Alex to.

This is NOT your problem.

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@Mame,

I agree with this as well - but just trying to think of a way to keep the peace. This Uncle I am sure wants to keep in touch with his niece, but unfortunately due to the fact that his niece is a minor he doesn't have a say. If the parents don't want him to be around they can cut him off. Now I think that is stupid.

You know this family best - the mom best. Can you have a heart to heart with her without offending her? I agree with what Mame says but my guess is that in the end - what you really want is to be able to take your niece with you and her friend so this is a pleasant experience.

I guess a lot of this and how you handle it depends on how reasonable the mom is. It would be best to be kind, but honest.

I have two girls and very often one went away somewhere without the other - for different reasons. Yeah I dealt with one whining about how it was unfair her sister got to go to grandmom's house in Palm Desert or so and so got to travel with their cousin. It happens and as a parent you talk with your child - they need to learn that happens sometimes. So personally I am not worried about the younger sister - she will be better served to learn this. And also there can be a world of difference between a 14 and 16 year old - this is likely why they don't get along all that great now (there could be others).

But I ramble - anyway although I agree with Mame - I think it would serve you best if you are as diplomatic as possible.

On the flip side - your niece wants you to be deceitful - it is probably best if you sat her down and let her know that being deceitful is wrong and that it is more likely to bite you back. Maybe all your niece is concerned about is the uncomfortableness she will need deal with at home with her sister. Is it really that they won't let her go or is it that she doesn't want to deal with the uncomfortableness and it would appear to be easier for her if she and you were to lie?

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There is no clean easy way here. I see no way this will be kept a secret. I see no good effect from encouraging an adolescent daughter to lie to her father and your brother.

All of that processed through the fan will benefit no one in any way,

1. Put the cards on the table and let the chips fall as they may.

2. Find away to bring the sister along.

3, Take the sister but promise the friend a special trip of some sort in a short but later with your niece.

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@bobsal u1553115,

To me I personally don’t see bring sister along as an option because of how much they don’t get along. But I like the idea of offering the Alex and her friend another trip later on. Maybe a graduation trip.

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@Linkat,

Linkat wrote:

Could you simply be honest? I would leave out that you are paying for her friend - I don't think you need to ask your niece's dad permission to bring the friend. Simply say it was nice that her parents were able to send her.

Say you would normally like to have her sister but seeing they do not get along, their difference in age/their likes and dislikes and the fact that she would be all alone and left out as a result if she came. You could always preference it by when she is older it would probably be a better situation for her too come along - I am guessing she is significantly younger?

I agree with your first paragraph. And I'd end with that. The sister was not invited so no defence or explanations are necessary. She's not part of that family. Period.

If the parents want, they can take the younger one somewhere while Alex is with her family, but the uncle is not obliged to invite her just because they're sisters. The little one is not related to the uncle's family so should not be there if Alex doesn't want her.

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@bobsal u1553115,

I disagree that he has to 'find a way to bring the sister along'. She's not related to the uncle's family and her sister doesn't want her there.

Why should he take the sister (whom his niece doesn't want) and THEN offer a special trip later with the niece? This is a family reunion. This IS the special trip. Little unrelated sister is not family and is therefore not invited. She should get over it.

What if the trip was to some podunk town in Ohio and not Hawaii? lol This is the crux of the matter, I think.

I agree with not keeping secrets!

1 Reply

@Mame,

I don't think you understood Mel I don't think the younger sister should go. I was just trying to come up with a kind way of handling...whether v someone serves kindness or not .... I would try to preserve the relationship with this family as they have the say on their minor child. It doesn't help anyone if his niece is then not allowed to go or there is a falling out between them all

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@Linkat,

Yes.... but ultimately it is not up to the uncle to handle, kindly or not. The invitation was extended to Alex only. If Alex hadn't said anything about her pouting sister, the uncle would never have known and it wouldn't be an issue.

If there's a falling out over something so trivial, they'd have problems no matter what. As you said, your daughters went places without each other and had to deal. Birthday parties, dances, etc., where the little one wasn't invited or old enough.

These jealously issues need to be nipped in the bud! So glad your daughters didn't have that problem.

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@Mame,

Oh they did have issues here and there but like you said you nip it in the bud and don't give in to their whining.

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@Mame,

The crux of the problem here is adults.

Auntie is willing to put her niece on the line to tweak dad's nose so she can out maneuver dad for a week, leaving niece to deal with a breach of trust.

And what about the sister? Is she being snubbed to tweek dad, too?

There are two children used as clubs by adults to game each other.

I curse both families. I fear for the children.

Both families need to meet put their cards in the table and work to a meeting of the minds.

1 Reply

@bobsal u1553115,

No they don't! This is a blended family and the half sister wasn't invited and
since she's not getting along with Alex, why should they be thrown together.
I imagine that half sister has many advantages over Alex since she's the biological child of both parents.

All the parents need to know is that Alex is going to a family reunion, period!
If she takes a friend along or not is not the concern of Alex parents. There aren't any secrets to be kept, it's plain and simple none of their business.

Just take your niece and her friend and have a good time! If the parents find out later on that Alex took a friend then they may have to deal with the fact that the girls don't get along.

1 Reply

@CalamityJane,

Seriously? A parent has no need to know how, the where, why, who of taking a kid out of state??????????? Encouraging a child to buck a parent???????

Please rethink this.

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@bobsal u1553115,

The parent does know the how, where, why and who. The teen will be under the care of her aunt/uncle.

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You let Alex choose who is to be invited to go along on this vacation. She made her choice.

End of issue.

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@bobsal u1553115,

bobsal u1553115 wrote:

Seriously? A parent has no need to know how, the where, why, who of taking a kid out of state??????????? Encouraging a child to buck a parent???????

Please rethink this.

What engineer said! The parents know where Alex is going, with whom and why. What should matter to the parents is that she's protected and well taken care of. What should NOT matter to them is that aunt/uncle are considerate enough to invite a friend of Alex along. End of story!

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Not asking my nieces father permission to bring her friend on a family trip

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