8
   

How to deal with my kids having more expensive things than my stepdaughter?

 
 
neptuneblue
 
  2  
Reply Tue 22 Mar, 2022 10:47 am
@Linkat,
The only thing Maddie is learning is that she's an outsider and always will be.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 22 Mar, 2022 10:58 am
@neptuneblue,
Why would she feel an outsider? If you discuss it with her and include in her these discussions how is she an outsider? If you get her counseling if it seems warranted because her jealously is taking over her being reasonable?

No one said just suck it up - people gave various ways to handle it where she is not an outsider - just giving her stuff because she complains teaches her that you get what you want by whining.

You empower someone by providing them insight and allowing them to discuss their feelings, acknowledging their feelings, but also teaching them there are things beyond their control. You don't just give someone something and force other people to as well.

Question - do you think that Maddy's mom should have the other kids over when Maddy is supposed to be spending her time with her mom? These two other kids don't have a dad to spend time with so it would only be fair if Maddy's mom is also forced to spend equal time with these two other children - otherwise they are outsiders.
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Tue 22 Mar, 2022 04:57 pm
@Linkat,
Ok, let's use your example...

Say Maddie goes to her Mom's for Christmas. And Sasha and Caleb go with her. As they sit around the tree, Maddie opens all of her presents and Caleb and Sasha have none. Zip. Nada. They are NOT part of the family so why should they get gifts?

How do you think Sasha and Caleb are going to feel? Will you tell them, hey, Life's just not fair, suck it up? They aren't babies, they know Maddie has another part of her family. Or would you be a little pissed that the adults purposefully excluded them? Fair IS fair, correct?
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 22 Mar, 2022 05:22 pm
@neptuneblue,
Yes exactly and I see no issue with it. Would it be nice if the mom gave them a gift too? Yes, but if she didn't and the kids came home and complained you sit them down and talk to them about it. This is Maddys mom these were presents for her because it is from her mom. You get presents from me .. Your mom.

Kids aren't stupid. You can explain things so they grow up resilent and understand sometimes yeah you get stuff and sometimes it is somebody elses turn.

The thing is you turn stuff like this into an all or nothing meaning you tell the kids to suck it up...no that is not at all what I was saying you sit them down talk about how they feel about it, acknowledge their feelings and talk about what the situation is...This is for Maddy...from her mom we should be happy for her. When you gather with your family you get your presents then. There is no meanness there..you can have a reasonable discussion.

When I was younger and I mean a little kid under 10 and not even a teen, we used to go over my aunts and uncles on Christmas eve. They held an open house and there was lots of good food and presents. Now I never got one a present that is....my older brother did because he was their god child, but I didn't ....my cousins did as they were their kids and many of the adults did but i did not. I understood that ....I didn't complain ....yeah I might of been a little bummed but I enjoyed the food and the celebration and I also knew on Christmas morning I'd have lots of presents under the tree.
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Tue 22 Mar, 2022 10:43 pm
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:
but I didn't ....my cousins did as they were their kids and many of the adults did but i did not. I understood that ....I didn't complain ....yeah I might of been a little bummed but I enjoyed the food and the celebration and I also knew on Christmas morning I'd have lots of presents under the tree.


Just imagine you're Maddie, knowing that tomorrow, there's nothing for you but a present from Dad, knowing that's all he could afford and being grateful you got one.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Wed 23 Mar, 2022 05:39 am
@neptuneblue,
You know when thing I knew growing and learned from the years is it wasn't the price or number of gifts I got but the thoughtfulness. In my family because we were so large ... Meaning aunts uncles and cousins, we did not get presents from all our relatives however just our godparents would give us presents. My god parents did not have as much money as my siblings but they always gave me something thoughtful...that was for me.

I learned this important lesson and the only time I got jealous was when I went shopping with my mom and my godmother ( who is my moms sister) ...she had two boys so it was special for her to have a little girl....well she brought the girl next door along...I was livid and as jealous as could be. You see to me the time spent with someone you care about was so much more important than any gift.

My kids have always been more excited about the family gathering and seeing everyone over the gifts...even though we can afford to get them more than my parents could.

If I were in Maddy shoes especially at 17 ...that present from my dad would be just that more meaningful knowing that.

I guess we just have different values on what is important in life and what is important to teach them and to value.
neptuneblue
 
  3  
Reply Wed 23 Mar, 2022 05:54 am
@Linkat,
Yes, we certainly have different values.

This isn't about gifts, it's about being included, seen as a part of a family and being recognized as such.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Wed 23 Mar, 2022 08:39 am
@neptuneblue,
This is weird because we must be seeing things differently. If this comes across wrong I am honestly sorry but can you explain how you see this as not being included?

This is a blended family so you have the core family now with the 3 teens and the newly married couple. In this nucleus everyone should be included as equally as is possible. Maddy, Caleb and Sasha for various gifts get equal quality and quantity gifts, they get equal chores, equal school expectations, equal time and attention from the new parents. Everyone is included ..if there is a dispute it is discussed and handled equally.

The issue comes up is that Maddy has an outside family ...her mom and her mom's extended family and Caleb and Sasha have an outside family her grandparents as the dad us no longer there. Unfortunately with blended families...the outside of this nucleus is not equal. One had more money, one has more attention.

As the parents within the nucleus they can ask those outside to make things equal with what they provide ....money or time, but you can't force it.

It seems they are trying to do what they can with the nucleus by requesting the grandparents to stop giving large gifts so it isn't in the face of Maddy. I am not sure what else they can do to make things equal from those outside the family and make all the kids feel heard...other than talk with them ...see how they feel and include them in the resolution.

So honestly besides the outside family as that is beyond their control how would you suggest making everyone feel included. And point out besides gifts where I made any suggestion that would make anyone in the family not feel included.
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Wed 23 Mar, 2022 09:00 am
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:

So honestly besides the outside family as that is beyond their control how would you suggest making everyone feel included.


I think you're spitting into the wind, Linkat. The way to make them feel included is to invite them to play a game, to invite everyone to a movie, that all the kids participate in making the parents breakfast, to offer a ride on your bike (or whatever)... THAT is inclusion. GIFTS are not.

My next sister is a year younger, has curly red hair and freckles whereas I had straight brunette hair and was slim. All her life she was jealous of me and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. To this day, she sneers because I have more money and thinks I should share it with all the sisters.

Jealousy is within a person or it isn't. It's the responsibility of the jealous person - nobody else can unmake that feeling for them. Like I said, she needs counselling. Today it's the family siblings, tomorrow it could be dorm-mates, or work mates or a neighbour.

Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Wed 23 Mar, 2022 10:44 am
@Mame,
Well I think that was what I was getting at...if the problem seems lack of inclusion what to you do to resolve it. I don't disagree with you on what you said as part if inclusion but I don't see then what this family is doing and the 2 kids having more material things has to do with Maddy not being included? That is why I am confused as to what this has to do with not feeling included.
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Wed 23 Mar, 2022 10:53 am
@Linkat,
It doesn't have anything to do with it; it's just Neptune's position on it.
0 Replies
 
PoliteMight
 
  -1  
Reply Fri 20 May, 2022 06:12 pm
@Chturbin,
Clearly your new husband has been raising his daughter with limited resources and more or less like a dude. I mean just buy the bare essentials for her and see if anything else of hers could sell or whatever.

Your spoiling your kids, while he sounds like he was trying to live cheap like a minimalist. She is lucky to even have anything at all from her dad at all.

.............

On paper girls in most cases are damsels in distress. Not knights in armor. So clearly it would be expecting that her outcome is that maybe she would get married or end up with some guy or whatever.

..............

I have seen the two house types.
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Fri 20 May, 2022 06:12 pm
@PoliteMight,
Wow, look at all the assumptions.
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Fri 20 May, 2022 07:47 pm
@jespah,
No kidding!
0 Replies
 
 

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